Source of Pain

So I haven't posted in a bit because I thought something might happen that was worth posting. Nothing really did, so this is just a quickie about my banal life.

Saw Dennis (my Psych) again yesterday. Good stuff, we joke around alot, he's sweet. But we talked about focusing my effort only on things that fit these two criteria 1. Is it =true? 2. Is it helpful?

So if its not both of those things im not supposed to think about it. lol. That's fairly easy to say.

Cassie stays in my mind alot more then just because she broke my heart and lied and whatever. It's also because she's in a position of great influence and has oppertunity to help alot of people based on her childhood, it's unique. I know she doesn't use it properly, and that shes definately greatly misguided (if guided at all).

I was given an oppertunity to become a positive influence in her life, she has a huge potential in life, yet uses so little of it, and for the wrong things. And I failed. Not that I made a couple stupid mistakes or something minor. I messed up huge, and I know that I don't get a second chance, I failed. Period.

I could have showed her the love of God, how she could reach her potential, she could have reached so many people who would never have known. And it kills me to know that I fucked up so bad.

So, for the record, it's alot more then just "She hurt me". Even after 3 years with Inna, that break up was alot less painful because I knew it had to be done, we had given it a shot and it wasn't right and didn't work properly. We flew the plane for a couple hundred feet and then bailed out before it crashed.

It feels like with Cassie that we bombed even before we got to the runway, sittin in the hanger waitin to test the new prototype out when the hanger explodes.