Breathe in, Breathe out, to know that you're alive

So I was waiting for something to happen for writing some more on my blog. and finally out of nowhere something did happen. So anyways. Standard work week. Transformers 2 on Tuesday which was exactly what I expected it to be. Giant robot epic death match of excellence. Don't expect a movie, expect action, period. Anything else and you will be disappointed.

Then last night Cassie txted me to go for coffee. So after a couple people bailed on me it left the night open so I said yes and we met at tim's.

I'd say it went fairly well, it's so hard to read her so I have no idea how it actually went. But from my stand point it was good. Talked for over an hour about work, and other stuff. Mostly about her life. It ended in slight disarray.

Simply because I don't know what to expect or what to take from it. I'm doing my best to just lay back a lil and trust God. It's freaking hard though. But so far so good. I guess. It's strange because my mood changes entirely from one day to the next. ATM, I'm feelin pretty good. Hope remains.

Another round of Coffee on tuesday with Mandy. I alway enjoy her company alot.

WOOT

TRANSFORMERS 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Bank Day!

So, had friday off, bank day. (every third week). So i got up at 7. gamed till 830. roller bladed to mcdonalds and met my g-parents for breakfast. McGriddles+has browns+coke= orgasm. I love the grease and the salt and the sugar and the msg... nom nom nom

went home, was pretty bored, boots asked me to chill so went over there, new dota version was messing up or something cuz it kept dropping boots, Cassie starts txting me, I guess it was pretty good txting. Found out that she does want to have coffee sometime, isn't just making it up.
(Or at least that's what she said, and I choose to trust).

Found out I'm still super vulnerable to her. She sent an ambiguous txt that could have meant that she didn't actually want to go for coffee, which, surprizingly, (Even to me) sent me in a mini-panic. Smoothly asked for clarification of her last txt and she said that she DID want to go for coffee and didn't want me thinking she was trying to use me. phew

After the mini-panic decided I needed to get some air, go cruising, run some errands on 8th. Walk outside from boot's.

O goodie, I locked my keyes in my car.
I guess I needed the air anyways, so I walked home and grabbed my spare, mom was home, she dropped me off at car. Went home, chilled. Picked up Mroz, went to 8th, ran an errand, chilled in amazing stories, went into Hi-Tech game traders.

Was SUPER hungry and thought "A snack wrap would be nice atm". go to mcdicks and wait in line. get a txt from loc "We're seated, come one come all." went over to montanas.

ate a good burger, good conversation, beautiful crayon drawings (lol britney). Went home, chilled. Dam Cassie runnin through my head all day! I'm trying to just wait and see her interest level. Definately, not in favour of getting burned again, but if given the choice. I'd probably still take the risk.

Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart

So I guess some big things happened, and I guess that needs me to write them down. So, for some crazy reason that even I'm not exactly sure of. I invited Cassie's sister and her husband and kid to supper somewhere on me. Now if anyone reads this, you might think WTF?!!?!

well wtf indeed, I still don't know why I did it, but that was on Tuesday and so far no response. However, Mandy said that Amanda was freaking out on people who were talking about it, why? I have no idea.

AND THEN

Cassie called me after work on Wednesday, definitely asking "WTF?!?!?!". lol. So I said "dunno". lol. The conversation actually lasted 45 minutes talking about what we've each been doing and stuff. Some of the stuff that's happened to her breaks my heart. It makes me sad that I'm in no position to help, even if I was to gain nothing, I'd still give anything to help.

All in all, a decent conversation I guess, I can't read her over the phone, and so I think that it she was just talking out of obligation and whatnot, which makes me sad, for I still don't understand why I'm someone who should be avoided.

So I definetly didn't see anything happening from a lil supper invite. All i thought was either it was going to be a polite "no" or just no response at all. Cassie thought I was trying to team up with Amanda (sister) to get her back. And Amanda thought I was trying to team up with Cassie to get her back.

Still don't have a good reason, but I guess it's just as simple as trying to be nice purely for niceness' sake. And everyone is second guessing me and being suspecious. When in reality I just want to help or at least, give someone a nice meal, show them the value they have.

So it was the first time in about a month and a half that I had ANY communication with Cassie at all. My head is still slightly spinning. She said she might call me again later. I don't expect that to happen, it was probably just one of those "we should...." bullshit promises that everyone makes these days.

I'd like this to be an oppertunity to help Cassie in someway (How? I'm not sure)... So I just pray about it A LOT. It's in God's hands now. Which are perfect, so what he does with it is right. PERIOD.

so ya. fairly eventful week

Audrey, Start the Revolution

Another day down. Man, for some reason, I'm feeling worse and worse about Cassie. It's so stupid and ridiculous, It's been over 2 months AND I haven't had any communication with her for over a month.

So seriously, WTF?!?!!?!?!?!

How much longer until something happens? How long is the wait for the sun to shine again?

Dismantle, Repair- Anberlin
One last glance in a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Did not want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
Oh, things are going to change

I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
It's only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go

[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

Dreams are for Dreamers, Buckets for Bleeders

Another dream

This time I was back working at JH. It was the end of Thursday and I was supposed to leave at 4. But Cassie had just started working at 3 and I wanted to talk to her so I told everyone I’d stay an extra hour. I was back to being a merchandiser so I was stocking shelves. But, strangely, it was a supermarket setting, aka I was stocking food. 5 came around and I still hadn’t talked to Cassie, I actually I only saw her once as she walked by, without eye contact. During that time I made a friend with a bro, I didn’t recognize him and I never got his name.

Oddly enough. A zombie apocalypse broke out and everyone was fleeing the store. Cassie was first for her car but fell and for some reason wasn’t getting up, she was saying stuff like “ok guys just go on without me” and stuff in a very sarcastic tone. Everyone else ran by and started driving away. But I came and picked her up. I can’t remember anything past that, or if she even looked at me or said anything to me.

This one wasn't as painful as the usual ones.

Weekends!!!!!!

So went camping on Friday, which was a lot more fun then I thought it would be. Standard operation: Late night, drunk people, early mornings, and the best food ever.

I left on Saturday, it's not that I had anything better to do. I don't know exactly why I had to come back. Part of me says I didn't want to get bored with Saturday night being an identical repeat. But I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm fucking insane.

Well, not realy. I just mean that I'm unable to enjoy stuff right now, I need to search, I need to find. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for, I'd love to find the ability to help people, or find my future (curse the present). Or that "someone". But I don't think I'm supposed to find those things.

I look, earnestly, with focus and dedication, and the right state of heart. Yet, I feel as if I'm farther away from my dreams then ever before. Therefore, I must be dreaming the wrong dreams, looking for the wrong things. However, I'm only happy when I come nearer to my dreams.

So do I look for what doesn't satisfy me?? Or do I fight a losing battle???

Speaking of dreams, Another one of Cassie (Woohoo). This one is super messed up, all I know is that any memory of her still hurts me.

So her and I were in a plane crash. I lived and she dissapeared, so I went looking for her, Months later I'm back at the crash site and I see her walking away. I chase after her and catch up with her. She looks at me and says "You should have been there with me"

Then she says "I can't go back." So I immediately responded by saying "I can't go back either. But you can start over."

Somehow we were inside somewhere. She started saying stuff that I can't remember, but reaches for the phone and starts to dial some number. I remember that I didn't recognize it in the dream. So I hit her in the face, it gave her a bleeding nose.

So she is shocked and stuff, and I start crying, feeling really bad about myself. So I hugged her and kept repeating over and over about how sorry I am.

Then I woke up. Feeling really shitty about myself, and about everything in general. I know I'm not the guy to hit anyone. Not even some prick who deserved it, let alone someone I care about. Yet in the dream I did it.

I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm trying to do what's right. I'm trying to move on, to forgive and forget. I just keep getting caught in the undertow, over and over again.

Discovered a new band though, Decyfer Down. Here's a good song by them.

Fading - Decyfer Down
It starts with one time to fit in
Addiction slowly setting in
I drifted off into dismay

(bridge)
Eyes looking back at me
I can't even see your face
The pressure is closing in
It's taking me again.

(chorus)
Wait, It's all that I can take
And every single day
A part of my soul is fading.
But now, by letting go somehow
Unshackled and unbound
I'm calling out your name, I'm fading.
So save me, from what I've become

It's like a force that's fooling you
Its empty promise hides the truth

(bridge)
(chorus)

Wait, just about to break
Help me see the way
I'm shattering to pieces on the floor

(chorus) x2

Learning to Breathe

I am finally realizing the glory and promise that God has made me. It makes me so happy and excited I can hardly contain myself.

I went for coffee with Mandy yesterday. What a great time, I had no idea that it would be so awesome. I did vent about Cassie a bunch, but Mandy was really supportive and intelligent in her responses and it made me feel A LOT better.

and more importantly it gave me a new perspective on the whole situation and I think I finally might be understanding what happened/happening. Which, to me, is the most important part of moving on. (details will NOT be provided)

Also, I read in my morning devotion yesterday, about how if a person is wanting to find the attributes that make them a great person (patience, caring, kindness....etc). That they need to be completely and utterly destroyed.

They're emotional state has to be wiped completely clean before they are able to be "reborn" as a person who is able to develop those good qualities. And I thought "I just got SHIT on, I got wrecked and now I'm rebuilding from scratch."

And finally, I'm starting to see the changes, I can see the awesomeness that being utterly destroyed caused. It's exciting!!!

camping tonight, should be a good time. I can finally be free.

continued

So ya, and then in my dream she had the balls to say "at least we're talking again"...
made me so angry, I wanted to scream.

So in my dream, I woke up, and I was in bed, and somehow my throat got cut, so I was gushing blood everywhere. My reaction:

Meh, whatever. I layed back down, I remember hearing a plane over head and thinking " i hope that crashes into my house and I die."

Then today, one of the people from J&H txted me saying they quit (a friend who I talked to about Cassie a bunch when we broke up). I hadn't heard from her from a long time and I thought she hated me, but I don't know why.

So we're going to go for coffee on thursday and catch up, should be good. but there's another thing that brings back the memory of Cassie. Why can't I just find happiness? Am I being unreasonable? What am I doing wrong?

any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

seriously, WTF?

I am just plain sick of these stupid dreams and of being haunted by memories. The only reason I can think that these are still coming in on me is either
a)Punishment of sins
b)Prompt action
sorry, I'll explain what's going on. Last night I had the nastiest dream about Cassie yet, it started off nice and dandy with me, mroz and cam talking about transformers 2. Very quickly Cassie txted me, she ended up coming over. AND was freaking dating mroz!!!! fucking hell, so painful, woke up too many times last night.

the worst part, everytime I fell back to sleep it was the same dream, I was back to being in the same room when they're cuddling. fuck off, please.

I pray to get over, and to help, and to do God's will, EVERYDAY. Yet, more then ever I'm getting random things of her in my head.

Last sunday my church used a quote that I had only heard because Cassie had it posted before. ping
Driving to work with mom, forgot my ipod holder so i put the radio on, first song that comes on was a song we always talked about. bang

gtg to work....i'll finish the stupidity later.. this is so fucking frustrating

I won't forget this, I'll never forget this

So I guess it's time for an update. Work is going just like work always goes, which is good. I'm very lucky to have that job.

Definitely love going to church, it seems like that's all I wait for all week, it's so weird cuz just a couple months ago I'd wake up looking for excuses not to go, but now it seems like once a week isn't enough. At least at my church, I don't think I could go to most other churches more, I just love mine.

I got replaced on my Halo team, which is pretty sad. The tournament would be in 3 weeks, but looks like I won't be going to that anymore. So maybe I'll come camping with everyone, at least I think the end of june is the plan.

I can't wait to go to university this fall. I want to restart on this life thing, I think I fail at it atm, I need to meet new people and stuff, stop drifting through this joke and at least feel like I'm working towards my future, or working towards anything really. Just as long as I'm not idling.

Someday I hope to find my ordinary world. Until then I'll learn to survive.
Ordinary World-RED

It falls, apart, from the very start, it falls apart, seems like everything i touch, falls apart

Well I guess it's been a while since I posted, my supervisor is getting owned at work, apparently he's a giant douche-bag to everyone else and is super lazy most of the time. I guess he got suspended or he's on stress leave, no one knows which one, but either way I am defaulted to head of the warehouse and I started training someone to help me today, it felt pretty sweet.

Played soccer on Sunday, we won 2-1, they outplayed us but we got a penalty shot. FTW. I love the physical activity, even if I'm not scoring or anything, I just love to run in competition. Soccer gives me a little bit of an escape and happiness, So far I'm doing a great job of drifting and making time pass. Life can pass me by for all I care right now, the faster the better plz.

I just get so angry at people who I feel don't deserve the happiness they have, the people who are selfish and abusive and manipulative. Those bastards. It's almost intolerable sometimes, the randomness of life eats at my soul.

Specifically why I want time to pass, I'm doing things right, I know I'm on the right track, It will just take time for me to become stronger and to find what I'm looking for. If anyone has a spare time machine or something, I have money.