Another day is done, I'm trying to make the days go by as fast as possible. I'm not sure I know when or where i want to be, but it's anywhere but here. I don't have much to say, it's all inside and it's all stuff that needs to just fade away. But I will leave off with a song.
RED- Overtake You
Time
It's eating me alive
Unable to rewind
Sink deeper while I'm climbing
Never to arrive
I gave you everything
But still you need to feed
And underneath it all I'm screaming out
Just carry on
Just prove me wrong
I know that I'm dying right now
And it seems that I'm so far gone
But not for long
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now I will overtake you
Just one that you can use
One risk but you can't lose
Play the victim while abusing
Anyone you choose
Painful consequence
Of standing on your lies
I'm barely breathing but I'm screaming out
Just carry on
Just prove me wrong
I know that I'm dying right now
And it seems that I'm so far gone
But not for long
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now I will overtake you
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
dissapointed, by everything
So just watched the season finale of Heroes tonight. Hate to say it, but it was terrible. What was supposed to be an epic battle was a lame cop-out to keep all the main characters on payroll. Especially that stupid bitch who died 3 times now, they found a way for her to come morphing through the water. And don't even get me started on Nathan, that son-of-a-bitch got what was comin, none of this memory transfer bullshit. First 40 minutes-Awesome. Last 20-Terrible. If season 4 isn't absolutely kickass, heads will roll.
Apart from that, Cassie decided on Saturday that I "NEEDED" (QUOTE) to know some stuff about her life. I won't post it here, it's her buisness and I'm not going to disclose it. However, I will voice my anger about the fact that apparently she still thinks she should tell me things about her life, without actually telling me anything. She gives a snippet, even an invitation of friendship. (Not that I'm so stupid and blind, but if someone wants to honestly be my friend, then i will honestly be there's. and to me that requires listening, and caring, and forgiveness.) Now if any of you know anything about what's happened between us, well then you can guess what happened. NOTHING. She goes through the motions, says the words, but doesn't mean any of it and especially doesn't care. All lies, just like everything before.
Don't get me wrong now, I'm not really surprized, nor am i extremely disheartened. I feel the same feelings i would if anyone pulled that shit on me. I value friendship greatly, especially open, honest friendship. I do get angry that she does this nearly every week, however, I won't let that stop me. Like i said before,
"Strength is getting sucker-punched in the face, but getting up and loving them, and the next stranger, just the same" (or something like that, I can't exactly recall)
I'm just trying my hardest to do everything in love, even deal with this bullshit in love (not perfect, but trying). Well faithful reader, i guess that's the rant for tonight. Before you judge me, thinking I'm weak, or bitchy, or anything negative. Remember- I write this because I'm in my weakest state. To me, this is a journal, and I try to not have barriers, so it's open to people. So the stuff that bothers me the most gets in here. It's mostly negative, but thats how i view life right now, so suck it.
Apart from that, Cassie decided on Saturday that I "NEEDED" (QUOTE) to know some stuff about her life. I won't post it here, it's her buisness and I'm not going to disclose it. However, I will voice my anger about the fact that apparently she still thinks she should tell me things about her life, without actually telling me anything. She gives a snippet, even an invitation of friendship. (Not that I'm so stupid and blind, but if someone wants to honestly be my friend, then i will honestly be there's. and to me that requires listening, and caring, and forgiveness.) Now if any of you know anything about what's happened between us, well then you can guess what happened. NOTHING. She goes through the motions, says the words, but doesn't mean any of it and especially doesn't care. All lies, just like everything before.
Don't get me wrong now, I'm not really surprized, nor am i extremely disheartened. I feel the same feelings i would if anyone pulled that shit on me. I value friendship greatly, especially open, honest friendship. I do get angry that she does this nearly every week, however, I won't let that stop me. Like i said before,
"Strength is getting sucker-punched in the face, but getting up and loving them, and the next stranger, just the same" (or something like that, I can't exactly recall)
I'm just trying my hardest to do everything in love, even deal with this bullshit in love (not perfect, but trying). Well faithful reader, i guess that's the rant for tonight. Before you judge me, thinking I'm weak, or bitchy, or anything negative. Remember- I write this because I'm in my weakest state. To me, this is a journal, and I try to not have barriers, so it's open to people. So the stuff that bothers me the most gets in here. It's mostly negative, but thats how i view life right now, so suck it.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
ugh
Weekends, what fun! (FUUUUCCCCKKKK).... I hate all this bullshit. I hate the lies, i hate the fake smiles, i hate the free time, i hate the thoughts i have, i hate so much. Mostly i just hate that I'm not happy. And when that happens, you hate everything else, because it doesn't matter to me. I have no purpose ATM, i want to help people, but no one wants my help, i want to be helped my people, but no one wants to help me. Time is getting killed without any reason. I run through the motions of life, without living.
I'm freaking useless, and i hate it. Life is about love, as of right now, No one wants my love or wants to give me love. and I don't mean romance. I need a reason to keep doing this shit. unfortunately, i dont have a reason, but im just going to keep doing it. Don't ask me why, (No one will read this anyways so what am i worried? lol). but it kills me on the inside. THIS ISN'T FUCKING FAIR!!!
I know it isn't. I knew it wasn't going to be. I said I'd take it anyway. and fuck me sideways, cuz i will. I'll just hate every second of it. (FUCK) [I wish there was a stronger way to communicate suffering]
I have this dream, where I'm bleeding.
We're in your car, I start to panic.
Waves are crashing. Over head, stars are shining.
You left me for dead. Down by the shore.
I'm freaking useless, and i hate it. Life is about love, as of right now, No one wants my love or wants to give me love. and I don't mean romance. I need a reason to keep doing this shit. unfortunately, i dont have a reason, but im just going to keep doing it. Don't ask me why, (No one will read this anyways so what am i worried? lol). but it kills me on the inside. THIS ISN'T FUCKING FAIR!!!
I know it isn't. I knew it wasn't going to be. I said I'd take it anyway. and fuck me sideways, cuz i will. I'll just hate every second of it. (FUCK) [I wish there was a stronger way to communicate suffering]
I have this dream, where I'm bleeding.
We're in your car, I start to panic.
Waves are crashing. Over head, stars are shining.
You left me for dead. Down by the shore.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Woot
So, as i always thought. Got fired from Bike Doctor for a good reason. Now because of it I can start the job at RuH sooner, and at full time hours for a couple weeks (at $16) so that'll be good cash, and then i guess i look for another part timer to fill in the gaps once those weeks are over.
Take it all away (i wasn't serious)
Some of you may notice the time, oh, look its 11:47!! Aren't you supposed to be at work?!?! Why yes... I am, minus the fact that i no longer have that job.
So while i had done all my duties, i asked my boss
"hey Dave, got anything for me to do?"
"You picked up all the bikes?"
"yup, did that already"
"ok, well i have to talk to you"
...............................
I'm sure you can use your imagination how the rest went. Well maybe not, so I'll summarize. Because i have a second job in the afternoon and only work there in the morning, they found someone who wanted to do my job in the morning and then sell bikes for them in the afternoon. And because I was not off probation yet, they can fire me in a second and without reason. So out of the blue on a friday. BAM! Now I'm out a job and looking for another part time to fill in the blanks where my RuH job doesn't take up. I can't say I'm extremely dissapointed or anything, it was far from a dream job, it just fit nicely with my other one.
So while i had done all my duties, i asked my boss
"hey Dave, got anything for me to do?"
"You picked up all the bikes?"
"yup, did that already"
"ok, well i have to talk to you"
...............................
I'm sure you can use your imagination how the rest went. Well maybe not, so I'll summarize. Because i have a second job in the afternoon and only work there in the morning, they found someone who wanted to do my job in the morning and then sell bikes for them in the afternoon. And because I was not off probation yet, they can fire me in a second and without reason. So out of the blue on a friday. BAM! Now I'm out a job and looking for another part time to fill in the blanks where my RuH job doesn't take up. I can't say I'm extremely dissapointed or anything, it was far from a dream job, it just fit nicely with my other one.
AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
SOAP IN THE EYE!!!! For frick's sake. I've had soap in my eyes countless times, and it was annoying and i just washed them and dried them and everything was ok. This had to be acid shampoo.
one conclusion can be drawn from this situation- Obviously.....Someone is trying to kill me.
lol, jk. But that soap was nasty, 20 minutes later its still burning when i look around.
RED-Take It All Away
You've stripped me down, the layers fall like rain
It's over now, just innocence and instinct still remain
You watched me while I slowly disappeared
I reached for you to save me; you were frozen in your fear
Take it all away [x4]
Circling the pain inside my soul
I reached inside your silence to steal what you won't show
I tried to find the answers in my fears
But what was found is lost again as soon as it appeared
Take it all away [x4]
I'm breaking; I can't do this on my own
Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?
You take away [x10]
one conclusion can be drawn from this situation- Obviously.....Someone is trying to kill me.
lol, jk. But that soap was nasty, 20 minutes later its still burning when i look around.
RED-Take It All Away
You've stripped me down, the layers fall like rain
It's over now, just innocence and instinct still remain
You watched me while I slowly disappeared
I reached for you to save me; you were frozen in your fear
Take it all away [x4]
Circling the pain inside my soul
I reached inside your silence to steal what you won't show
I tried to find the answers in my fears
But what was found is lost again as soon as it appeared
Take it all away [x4]
I'm breaking; I can't do this on my own
Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?
You take away [x10]
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Grow Up
People seriously need to grow up now a days. And I don't meant that everyone is immature, i mean everyone is so underdeveloped emotionally that its getting very frustrating. My Grandma made a good comparison today, about 50-year old men acting like 2 year old children. The 2 year old is trying to tie his shoe, along comes mom or dad and asks if the kid needs help. Being a stubborn brat, the boy yells at his parents, "ME TIE SHOE!!!! ME TIE SHOE!!!! ME TIE SHOE!!!!". instead of letting someone with knowledge and experience TEACH them how to tie the shoe, they are so bent on independence that they end up knotting they're shoes together and the parents have to forcefully intervene to fix the problem.
How many "Mature" people do we know these days who are unable to accept help? who can't break down their barriers? who NEED to do it by them self? WAY TOO FUCKING MANY!!!! Like the 2 year old, these people are not taking advice and like children and simply yelling "ME TIE SHOE". And then in the end, they fucked it all up and have no one to blame but them self. The even sadder part: They DON'T get it. They trip them selves so many times that they think its normal, or that its inevitable. When in reality: Their own stubbornness and ignorance. OPEN YOUR EYES people, life is not a solo journey, tons of people are placed in all our lives who can help us, who can guide us, or even just listen. Let your heart be open and accept the help that you need. If it's as simple as the parents in our lives, to the friends, to the caring acquaintances, to the co-workers, wherever you turn, there are people who can help.
How many "Mature" people do we know these days who are unable to accept help? who can't break down their barriers? who NEED to do it by them self? WAY TOO FUCKING MANY!!!! Like the 2 year old, these people are not taking advice and like children and simply yelling "ME TIE SHOE". And then in the end, they fucked it all up and have no one to blame but them self. The even sadder part: They DON'T get it. They trip them selves so many times that they think its normal, or that its inevitable. When in reality: Their own stubbornness and ignorance. OPEN YOUR EYES people, life is not a solo journey, tons of people are placed in all our lives who can help us, who can guide us, or even just listen. Let your heart be open and accept the help that you need. If it's as simple as the parents in our lives, to the friends, to the caring acquaintances, to the co-workers, wherever you turn, there are people who can help.
Questions Questions Questions
So yesterday Matt and Cam finally learned the entire story of my recent past. Definitely thought Cam would be a little more understanding, and I didn't think Matt would be so vicious, my goodness, straight to the sister? Dirty shit bud (seriously though, DON'T DO IT). It made me think yesterday, was i really doing what i was supposed to? Was i listening to God's voice or was i making it up? As i was thinking about it i decided to finish the sermon i downloaded from Lake view cuz i had already listened to half of it.
I'm fairly certain it gave me the answer: "If you give through God's love and not your own, then you can never run out, because the source is infinite". Well that's the answer I'm taking, cuz it makes sense to me. I'll give when i think there is a need, and rely on God to do what he will with it, if my help changes no one, or everyone, is not my concern, Mine is to merely give what i can when i can. So, to Matt and Cam- I'm doin what's right and i think i better be a little more careful, but I'm not stoppin. Another thing,
Romans 12:20-21
If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink,
and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you.
Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.
So in yo face. I will always concentrate on doing good and let God do the rest.
I'm fairly certain it gave me the answer: "If you give through God's love and not your own, then you can never run out, because the source is infinite". Well that's the answer I'm taking, cuz it makes sense to me. I'll give when i think there is a need, and rely on God to do what he will with it, if my help changes no one, or everyone, is not my concern, Mine is to merely give what i can when i can. So, to Matt and Cam- I'm doin what's right and i think i better be a little more careful, but I'm not stoppin. Another thing,
Romans 12:20-21
If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink,
and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you.
Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.
So in yo face. I will always concentrate on doing good and let God do the rest.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
A Good Example
I was at work when this started. no editing, these are all the txts that happened between me and some kid named Braiden, if he exists and isn't Cassie in disguise....however i doubt that...11:21-1:15
Note- 880-0117 is Cassie's cell number
Also Note- I hadn't txted her at all that day or last night, and when i did txt her, it was all small talk bullshit ending with her saying she would call me last night if she got the chance. The last contact to me was 3:56pm the day previous. a txt.
11:21am
880-0117- Cassie wants me to tell you that i have her phone.
Owen-And who r u?
880-0117-Braiden
Owen-And y do u have her phone?
Braiden-Long story.
Owen-im bored....lets hear it
Braiden-Don't worry bout it.
Owen-lol....im not worried...whatever floats ur boat bro
Braiden-Not worried? Why wove you be?
Owen-Wove??
Braiden-Would. Obviously.
Owen-Not so obvious in my world.. Obviously i said it in response to ur "dont worry about it".
Braiden-Well whatever. She just wanted you to know so you don't get all bitchy that she didn't call you yesterday.
Owen-Holay....all bitchy he says...i cant say i care that much...i just think if shes gonna say shes gonna do somethin she better do it
Braiden-Whatever dude. Get a life.
Owen-haha....she's just trashed me behind my back to u guys...ur funny...i didnt realize honesty was a terrible thing... u dont even know me bro
Braiden-She hasn't said shit. I have her phone buddy. I see the pathetic shit you say to her so really. Get over your phony angst.
Owen-lol... 1. u have no idea buddy so chill....2. Attempted suicide isnt a phony angst....so back off.u dont know me
Braiden-Deal with it. Your shit ain't nothing.
Owen-Ok...all knowing asshole...whats my shit?
Braiden-Your parents divorve. Your dad moving. Your misguided sense that you'll save the world. Your other girlfriend.
Braiden-Fuck man. You're so naive.
Braiden-You're so fucked. You need more help. Stop kidding yourself. You're not gonna save shit.
Owen-Got that all from the txts??? Fuck you bud...she never knew me then....let alone now... I got the help... Im not stupid...change the world??
Owen-Never said that to anyone...nor do i believe it...do i want to die now??? No...am i in alot of pain??? No
Owen-Im a good guy living a good life...im trying merely to be friends with someone i cared about...and shes still lieing to me
Owen-So how does that make me the pompous asshole???
Braiden-Theres this little thing called reality. And i hope it hits you in the face and knocks you on your ass. But other then that, i've got nothing to say.
Owen-Haha i know more about reality then any of you people...tell me....what am i faking??? What am i lieng about that the truth will reveal??
Owen-U dont know me....u have no idea who i am...its ur lil friend there who is constantly running and lieing...so back off faggot
Braiden-Lol. You obviously don't know me either.
Owen-I never said anything about you....you've been attacking me the whole time...i've been trying to explain but u keep assuming u know it all
3 possible motivations for Braiden's behavior arise
1.Trash talk- Cassie has trashed me so much to this kid that he thinks I'm some asshole who deserves to be attacked.
2.Protection- He sees Cassie as a vulnerable virgin who needs a knight in shining armor, she's painted him the picture that I'm a dragon and she's the maiden, this guy sees it as his duty to protect the weak and fight the evil.
3.Emotions- He has a thing for/with Cassie, from the stories he's heard about me, I'm an asshole and either A. Trying to catch Cassie's attention or B. Feels compelled to always take her side, he doesn't know my side (and doesn't care) so just attacks me relentlessly.
Regardless of the motivation we can draw an obvious conclusion.
Cassie has no integrity- I have given her no rational reason to insult me, yet obviously she's talked serious shit to me to this guy, and probably all her friends/family. She disrespected my trust of my personal information and has no problem insulting me. (I bet the words that were spoken to Braiden by Cassie when she learned of the exchange were "You're my hero".)
I have no idea who this kid thinks he is...somewhere in his tiny little mind this must just get him off. This exact mentality is where the world is going wrong, to him life is a struggle, someone has to win and someone has to lose, if he really wanted to talk me about this shit he could have easily asked, instead of attacking. Also he says "Deal with it. Your shit ain't nothing."...life isn't about comparisons, its about helping everyone with the problems they are experiencing, if the problems are big or small is not our judgment call. Perspective plays the biggest role in life and suffering, we need to look at problems in someone else's shoes, for not everyone has the same tolerance as we do. His world must (assumption) have always been a battle, with him always losing or caught in the middle. That is what life is, but its not what it should be and its not what we should strive for. Someday i hope Braiden learns that the goal is to love everyone, until then he will be surrounded in battle.
Note- 880-0117 is Cassie's cell number
Also Note- I hadn't txted her at all that day or last night, and when i did txt her, it was all small talk bullshit ending with her saying she would call me last night if she got the chance. The last contact to me was 3:56pm the day previous. a txt.
11:21am
880-0117- Cassie wants me to tell you that i have her phone.
Owen-And who r u?
880-0117-Braiden
Owen-And y do u have her phone?
Braiden-Long story.
Owen-im bored....lets hear it
Braiden-Don't worry bout it.
Owen-lol....im not worried...whatever floats ur boat bro
Braiden-Not worried? Why wove you be?
Owen-Wove??
Braiden-Would. Obviously.
Owen-Not so obvious in my world.. Obviously i said it in response to ur "dont worry about it".
Braiden-Well whatever. She just wanted you to know so you don't get all bitchy that she didn't call you yesterday.
Owen-Holay....all bitchy he says...i cant say i care that much...i just think if shes gonna say shes gonna do somethin she better do it
Braiden-Whatever dude. Get a life.
Owen-haha....she's just trashed me behind my back to u guys...ur funny...i didnt realize honesty was a terrible thing... u dont even know me bro
Braiden-She hasn't said shit. I have her phone buddy. I see the pathetic shit you say to her so really. Get over your phony angst.
Owen-lol... 1. u have no idea buddy so chill....2. Attempted suicide isnt a phony angst....so back off.u dont know me
Braiden-Deal with it. Your shit ain't nothing.
Owen-Ok...all knowing asshole...whats my shit?
Braiden-Your parents divorve. Your dad moving. Your misguided sense that you'll save the world. Your other girlfriend.
Braiden-Fuck man. You're so naive.
Braiden-You're so fucked. You need more help. Stop kidding yourself. You're not gonna save shit.
Owen-Got that all from the txts??? Fuck you bud...she never knew me then....let alone now... I got the help... Im not stupid...change the world??
Owen-Never said that to anyone...nor do i believe it...do i want to die now??? No...am i in alot of pain??? No
Owen-Im a good guy living a good life...im trying merely to be friends with someone i cared about...and shes still lieing to me
Owen-So how does that make me the pompous asshole???
Braiden-Theres this little thing called reality. And i hope it hits you in the face and knocks you on your ass. But other then that, i've got nothing to say.
Owen-Haha i know more about reality then any of you people...tell me....what am i faking??? What am i lieng about that the truth will reveal??
Owen-U dont know me....u have no idea who i am...its ur lil friend there who is constantly running and lieing...so back off faggot
Braiden-Lol. You obviously don't know me either.
Owen-I never said anything about you....you've been attacking me the whole time...i've been trying to explain but u keep assuming u know it all
3 possible motivations for Braiden's behavior arise
1.Trash talk- Cassie has trashed me so much to this kid that he thinks I'm some asshole who deserves to be attacked.
2.Protection- He sees Cassie as a vulnerable virgin who needs a knight in shining armor, she's painted him the picture that I'm a dragon and she's the maiden, this guy sees it as his duty to protect the weak and fight the evil.
3.Emotions- He has a thing for/with Cassie, from the stories he's heard about me, I'm an asshole and either A. Trying to catch Cassie's attention or B. Feels compelled to always take her side, he doesn't know my side (and doesn't care) so just attacks me relentlessly.
Regardless of the motivation we can draw an obvious conclusion.
Cassie has no integrity- I have given her no rational reason to insult me, yet obviously she's talked serious shit to me to this guy, and probably all her friends/family. She disrespected my trust of my personal information and has no problem insulting me. (I bet the words that were spoken to Braiden by Cassie when she learned of the exchange were "You're my hero".)
I have no idea who this kid thinks he is...somewhere in his tiny little mind this must just get him off. This exact mentality is where the world is going wrong, to him life is a struggle, someone has to win and someone has to lose, if he really wanted to talk me about this shit he could have easily asked, instead of attacking. Also he says "Deal with it. Your shit ain't nothing."...life isn't about comparisons, its about helping everyone with the problems they are experiencing, if the problems are big or small is not our judgment call. Perspective plays the biggest role in life and suffering, we need to look at problems in someone else's shoes, for not everyone has the same tolerance as we do. His world must (assumption) have always been a battle, with him always losing or caught in the middle. That is what life is, but its not what it should be and its not what we should strive for. Someday i hope Braiden learns that the goal is to love everyone, until then he will be surrounded in battle.
A little bug in my head
For some unknown reason i am unable to give up, i hate it, I can't do it, no matter what, i can't give up on people. I get lied to, and i get played, and i get used, and for some reason I'm still givin' er. It's fucking stupid, my cognitive brain can see very plainly without subjection the truth. I know it's a waste of time, i know I'm just going to hurt more, I don't even have feelings for guess who, she's treats me like dirt, I'm who she txts [no talking(i dunno y{I've tried})] when she has free time, she says A and then does Z.
The strange part is how it doesn't change anything, (almost unfortunately) is the fact that I want to help everyone, and yes, guess who is included in that. The weird part is that the one week where i did give up. Was probably the most peaceful week I've had in almost a year. Life was straight, it made sense, i had a goal. Then through some bizarre coincidences, guess who is back in my life and my head is spinning all over again. FML
Now before any of you people start harpin on me for bein a bitch or anything. I KNOW that this is trivial, it's pointless and very insignificant. I'm not stupid or self-absorbed, I just wanted to get it out of my head, somehow that justifies it. but realy, it's not that big of a deal to me, it's like a mosquito, everyone bitches about mosquitos, but its a minor annoyance. Strange, i feel better already.
The strange part is how it doesn't change anything, (almost unfortunately) is the fact that I want to help everyone, and yes, guess who is included in that. The weird part is that the one week where i did give up. Was probably the most peaceful week I've had in almost a year. Life was straight, it made sense, i had a goal. Then through some bizarre coincidences, guess who is back in my life and my head is spinning all over again. FML
Now before any of you people start harpin on me for bein a bitch or anything. I KNOW that this is trivial, it's pointless and very insignificant. I'm not stupid or self-absorbed, I just wanted to get it out of my head, somehow that justifies it. but realy, it's not that big of a deal to me, it's like a mosquito, everyone bitches about mosquitos, but its a minor annoyance. Strange, i feel better already.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
ugghhh
its the words you say that drive me insane...
struggle+effort+confusion+starting cold+waking up in middle of night=tired
struggle+effort+confusion+starting cold+waking up in middle of night=tired
Fence Sitters
The people who drive me the most insane (most of u are guilty >:( just not as much as these people) are the people who have no identity, who can't make decisions, they flow with the river and sit on the fence. They never pick a side and they tell you everything you want to hear. They always tell you how cool you are and how you guys should hang out. But they'll never take the initiative and most of them time even reject all your initiative. WHAT FUCKERS!!!! how dare they deny the simplest right of humans: THE TRUTH. They use, and manipulate, and lie, all so that they never have to confront a problem, so that they always seem like the "good guy".
Truth is in the actions. You can tell me you care about me a million times, if you leave me when I'm broken down then you DON'T GIVE A SHIT. That's the reality, they will make excuses, their words and actions hardly ever match up. This behavour can come out of a two different root problems:
1.Fear, they are afriad of commitment, or of vulnerability, or of responsibility, of everything. They need to remain in control. They put up walls in their relationships to prevent anyone getting close to them. They run from all forms of conflict, even if it's simply an arguement at a food store, what appears to be comprize or selflessness is actually fear. On the surface it appears as if these people are always "there" for friends, that they put other's needs above their own. LIES!!!! Unfortunately the motivation is always cowardice. And when the shit hits the fan, they are nowhere to be seen, they clam to be "too busy" when its realy "too afriad", or "too selfish". They disguise themselves as the meek, while in fact they actually VERY weak.
2.Selfishness, they realy don't care about anyone else, everyone is a stepping stone to achieve their own happiness. these type of people are rare and are actually sociopaths. Nearly soulless humans without ANY form of compassion or caring. I hope the people i know aren't that, because there's no way to change this, they are literally born without a conscience.
Everyone is afraid, everyone doesn't want to be responsible, doesn't want to be vulnerable, but it's better for youself later, but more importantly it allows you to help others without hesitiation. The world is crumbling because of selfishness, which usually stems from fear. Let us break the cycle of fear and transform our surroundings into love and caring. Chances are if you read this and disagree, YOU'RE that asshole, don't try and justify anything to me, give a good, hard look into your actions and objectively see what you do when a confrontation happens, or when friends have problems, feelings don't matter, look to your actions as truth.
Truth is in the actions. You can tell me you care about me a million times, if you leave me when I'm broken down then you DON'T GIVE A SHIT. That's the reality, they will make excuses, their words and actions hardly ever match up. This behavour can come out of a two different root problems:
1.Fear, they are afriad of commitment, or of vulnerability, or of responsibility, of everything. They need to remain in control. They put up walls in their relationships to prevent anyone getting close to them. They run from all forms of conflict, even if it's simply an arguement at a food store, what appears to be comprize or selflessness is actually fear. On the surface it appears as if these people are always "there" for friends, that they put other's needs above their own. LIES!!!! Unfortunately the motivation is always cowardice. And when the shit hits the fan, they are nowhere to be seen, they clam to be "too busy" when its realy "too afriad", or "too selfish". They disguise themselves as the meek, while in fact they actually VERY weak.
2.Selfishness, they realy don't care about anyone else, everyone is a stepping stone to achieve their own happiness. these type of people are rare and are actually sociopaths. Nearly soulless humans without ANY form of compassion or caring. I hope the people i know aren't that, because there's no way to change this, they are literally born without a conscience.
Everyone is afraid, everyone doesn't want to be responsible, doesn't want to be vulnerable, but it's better for youself later, but more importantly it allows you to help others without hesitiation. The world is crumbling because of selfishness, which usually stems from fear. Let us break the cycle of fear and transform our surroundings into love and caring. Chances are if you read this and disagree, YOU'RE that asshole, don't try and justify anything to me, give a good, hard look into your actions and objectively see what you do when a confrontation happens, or when friends have problems, feelings don't matter, look to your actions as truth.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Strength
Disclaimer-I first wrote this a couple weeks ago as a note on facebook. i feel it's appropriate to add it to my personal journal (aka blog).
People always talk about being "strong".... And whenever they say that it's always followed by "so i gotta do it on my own" or "i just gotta get over it".... and that's never made sense to me.
Why do people think its being "strong" to be alone?? To truly share your life with someone, to let them explore the deepest darkest places of your soul, to open up everything you are to them is so much harder. Becoming vulnerable is so much harder. To keep on fighting, to keep on trying and trying even though you know it's going to hurt every single time. That's real strength.
Don't believe me? look at children, when they get hurt what they do?? they curl up in a ball or they retaliate. They do anything to stop the pain. That's weak, its animal. It takes true strength to overcome your initial instincts to run or revenge. it takes true strength to let someone in on your real feelings, to explore your soul and understand YOURSELF... to look in the mirror and KNOW EXACTLY who your are. to be able to list off your weaknesses without shame. to know your potential and strive for it. to understand what your good at and to not boast. and especially to forgive, to realize the pain others have caused and accept it. Not to move on from it, but to work through it, to understand them, and possibly you might end up understanding yourself.
After this came to me I started thinking about the motivation for helping others. Why do we help some and not others? and what occurred to me was the selfish way we see everything as a debt. "ill pay you back." or "I don't OWE you anything."...how terribly destructive this becomes. everyone knows the saying "eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind". but lets consider the reverse, if we only help those who helped us then our parents would have shaken us to death as children, for we started out crying and pooping on and wrecking everything they had, they didn't owe us anything... that's weakness, its saying you are only capable of good if its an obligation, like a job... In a perfect world no one would think they owed anyone anything and everyone would help and love out of the goodness of their heart... but this is not a perfect world. The honest get swindled and the caring get used.
Yet.....the honest people getting swindled and the caring people getting used, they're doing it right... They are living life how we meant to... with pure love. They don't help their friends expecting reward or because of obligation. its SIMPLY love.
Someone once said (i dunno who) "Don't simplify what's complicated, and don't complicate what's simple."
I used to think that to deal with the world we needed to understand the complications, to figure out the system, the pattern, the hard shit. but now i know its not. To live by the simplest of rules is the only way life works out for everyone. and that one little rule is to SIMPLY LOVE
Love what you do everyday. Who you talk to. What you do to others, just always have love as goal number 1.
You WILL get shit on, its going to hurt more then anything ever before. You will always be vulnerable. Yet that's what being strong is about, picking up whats left after someone sucker punches you in the face and still loving them, still loving the next stranger even though they could punch you just like that other person.
People always talk about being "strong".... And whenever they say that it's always followed by "so i gotta do it on my own" or "i just gotta get over it".... and that's never made sense to me.
Why do people think its being "strong" to be alone?? To truly share your life with someone, to let them explore the deepest darkest places of your soul, to open up everything you are to them is so much harder. Becoming vulnerable is so much harder. To keep on fighting, to keep on trying and trying even though you know it's going to hurt every single time. That's real strength.
Don't believe me? look at children, when they get hurt what they do?? they curl up in a ball or they retaliate. They do anything to stop the pain. That's weak, its animal. It takes true strength to overcome your initial instincts to run or revenge. it takes true strength to let someone in on your real feelings, to explore your soul and understand YOURSELF... to look in the mirror and KNOW EXACTLY who your are. to be able to list off your weaknesses without shame. to know your potential and strive for it. to understand what your good at and to not boast. and especially to forgive, to realize the pain others have caused and accept it. Not to move on from it, but to work through it, to understand them, and possibly you might end up understanding yourself.
After this came to me I started thinking about the motivation for helping others. Why do we help some and not others? and what occurred to me was the selfish way we see everything as a debt. "ill pay you back." or "I don't OWE you anything."...how terribly destructive this becomes. everyone knows the saying "eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind". but lets consider the reverse, if we only help those who helped us then our parents would have shaken us to death as children, for we started out crying and pooping on and wrecking everything they had, they didn't owe us anything... that's weakness, its saying you are only capable of good if its an obligation, like a job... In a perfect world no one would think they owed anyone anything and everyone would help and love out of the goodness of their heart... but this is not a perfect world. The honest get swindled and the caring get used.
Yet.....the honest people getting swindled and the caring people getting used, they're doing it right... They are living life how we meant to... with pure love. They don't help their friends expecting reward or because of obligation. its SIMPLY love.
Someone once said (i dunno who) "Don't simplify what's complicated, and don't complicate what's simple."
I used to think that to deal with the world we needed to understand the complications, to figure out the system, the pattern, the hard shit. but now i know its not. To live by the simplest of rules is the only way life works out for everyone. and that one little rule is to SIMPLY LOVE
Love what you do everyday. Who you talk to. What you do to others, just always have love as goal number 1.
You WILL get shit on, its going to hurt more then anything ever before. You will always be vulnerable. Yet that's what being strong is about, picking up whats left after someone sucker punches you in the face and still loving them, still loving the next stranger even though they could punch you just like that other person.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The song that hits me the hardest
Lately, as most of you (aka myself) know I have been struggling with different feelings and people over different questions, mostly "why". I've been listening alot to a new band. recommended by mroz (ty). RED- most of the songs are easily spun in some way that i could use them in my life, the choruses are excellent, the versus are mediocre, the lead singer is awesome and the use of strings adds character and emotion to a rather typical sound...however, I digress. one perticular song hits home with me everytime i listen to it, it brings back strong memories of sadness and constantly asking "why". I say this song hits me the hardest because one morning when i was listening to it before work i was overwhelmed by the lies that were affecting me, that i had believed, that i couldn't get over. My thoughts were immedietely flooded and i just cried and sang and screamed.
"Out From Under" -RED
Knocked off my feet
The earth moved beneath
The edge of a dream and a nightmare
Open the door
Fell through the floor
Slipped through the cracks into nowhere
So tell me where were you?
When everything fell down like thunder
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn't get out from under
I took the fall
I took it all
My smile's just an illusion
Cut me, I bleed
Reveal me, I need
I finally broke in the pressure
So tell me where were you?
When everything fell down like thunder
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn't get out from under
Left me for dead inside my head
Couldn't you see that I was still breathing?
Screaming, I reached for you
I couldn't get out from under
Where were you?
I reached for you
The pressure broke me down
Where were you?
I reached for you
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
I reached for you
PRESSURE
"Out From Under" -RED
Knocked off my feet
The earth moved beneath
The edge of a dream and a nightmare
Open the door
Fell through the floor
Slipped through the cracks into nowhere
So tell me where were you?
When everything fell down like thunder
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn't get out from under
I took the fall
I took it all
My smile's just an illusion
Cut me, I bleed
Reveal me, I need
I finally broke in the pressure
So tell me where were you?
When everything fell down like thunder
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn't get out from under
Left me for dead inside my head
Couldn't you see that I was still breathing?
Screaming, I reached for you
I couldn't get out from under
Where were you?
I reached for you
The pressure broke me down
Where were you?
I reached for you
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
I reached for you
PRESSURE
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