1000 Leagues

So I had this dream a couple nights of go that I thought I'd write down here, well what's left of it. Obviously after so long I have forgotten most of it, but I remember the moments before waking up clearly and the general idea of the rest of it. Seeing as how I haven't updated since my rage fest, thought this was the most pertinent activity as of late.

Speaking of that rage fest, I talked to the professor about my 'concerns' about the grad student's grading methods. And, although I didn't want it to be about a grade change (because it's not) it seemed as if that's all he heard. He was fairly dismissive and didn't want to understand my point of view but keep the prof/student barrier in place. I was out of there in 60 seconds when I was expecting something more like a 5-10 minute conversation about my concerns.

The main focus of the dream revolved around this video game, but it was real at the same time. It's contradictory but I'll try and explain how it worked. The game was a giant sandbox style game about the ocean. The player was just some diver who had some sort of handheld device that allowed clear vision in the water as if it were mere air. This came in handy as sometimes the water would become so cloudy you couldn't see more than 6 inches in front of you.

The dream had a bunch of different characters, Jason was there for a short period, and I had conversations with Cole and Matt too. The next thing I remember is Inna is playing the game, but not really. Because we're both in the water in diving suits in super cloudy water, she's got the handheld vision device so I can't see anything. So we're swimming farther down for some reason when I ask to see whats going on. I take the device and look through it only to have a giant squid beak be the only thing in the lens as it lunges at me.

At this point I can't use any words that properly convey the terror that shook me. I immediately woke up and for the next couple hours, after I had gotten over the shock, I was 100% convinced this was a real game I owned. Not until later in the morning during my routine was I sure it was purely a dream. This is unusual because although the emotions of dreams have been known to stick with me for a little while, the distinction between reality and fantasy has always been perfectly clear seconds after I awake.

on a side note, holy fuck is the ocean a scary place, dream aside, there are so many things and ways to get murdered down there. And there's nothing you can do to stop it.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore

"When I awoke there was nothing real in this life, but dreams are so intoxicating."

I'm getting real frustrated with University these days, particularly papers. I know that my prose is fairly loose and I don't pretend to be great. But my efforts haven't been correlating with grades, I might as well just fuck around with each paper because the marks are coming back random anyways.

This frustration was sparked by a paper I just got back that was graded by a grad student who left no correction marks on the essay. For fuck's sake, she doesn't have the experience grading enough papers to "just know" what a good paper is. AND, even she did, you still need to two things 1) justify the grade you give by exposing weaknesses and 2) help improve the students writing skills by offering suggestions.

Our education system is supposed to be about EDUCATION, that means teaching people things, through lectures, tests, and papers. People can only learn if they know what they did wrong. Arbitrary numbers should NOT be the focus, but it is. I'm going to school to get credits for a degree, university and society doesn't care if I learn anything. They want me to get "good numbers" and not "bad numbers". But the assigning of numbers is so fucking subjective, yet in the long run everyone takes them as objective.

I hate this fucking planet and the people that inhabit it.

Hark, a project

I guess I should come back for an update, I said earlier that I would try and post once a week but I've fallen behind slightly once again. Anyway, So with final projects and Skyrim I've been throwing all my time away.

Feeling pretty good day-to-day, finally got used to my new lifestyle, wish I had some more physical activity though, with the weather getting so cold I stopped jogging and could use some movement. Anyhow, seeing as this is all I want to say, I'm out.

Take a Look and See for Yourself What Makes a Man a Man

Megan came back for the night. So we went to her house for a couple drinks before everyone went to the bar. I had a couple drinks early on and was having a great time with a couple people, but as more important people arrive I always feel in the background, even when I'm involved in the conversations. So I decided to stop drinking as it would just lead to a night of sadness and drive people where they wanted to go.

Ended up having long conversations about video games with Mroz and Boots at Cam's house, which will do, but it's not what I want. Although I have constant thoughts of inferiority I'm thoroughly convinced I posses some sort of value. This is only a logical perspective, based upon my perceived abilities and how I relate to people, I think I'm proficient at being "social" or "liked". Yet, the results of such evenings are always the opposite of my prior observations.

So what's off? My self-awareness? My applied interaction? Something isn't working like it should, as the cause isn't correlating with the effect. I'm trying to figure it out but for many years I've felt like something is a little bit off, and after attempts and successes at improving so many different aspects of myself the most basic of problems still persist.

I leave off with a quote from Paradise Lost, by John Milton, Book IV

Context: Satan has just reached Eden and is reflecting upon himself

Hadst thou the same free Will and Power to stand?
Thou hadst: whom hast thou then or what to accuse,
But Heav’ns free Love dealt equally to all?
Be then his Love accurst, since love or hate,
To me alike, it deals eternal woe.