Unnatural Selection

Hello my faithful readers, rejoice for your hallowed leader has returned. lol. I guess I'm back writing what appears to be another blog entry. Update...? bllllaaaaarrrgggghhhh. that's about all I have atm.

well I might as well get into it, luckily the ripples created from these words will not exist, so I don't really have reason to abstain, plus in the future I will enjoy rereading them myself. I feel kinda zombie like. I appear to be waiting for something, but I cannot risk making it specific, for precise goals can fail precisely, but ambiguous ones are harder to lose, so I keep mine as vague as possible and keep looking towards the "future".

Anyhow, so I feel pretty shitty day-to-day (hyphens? heck yes). Can't say I'm very surprised, it's been this way for so long that sometimes I pretend it's always been like this. Alas, I know it has not, yet I suppose that it a main cause for this mood: I once tasted joy, it's been absent for longer than I imagined possible. So long I forget the flavour, and even worse, assume I cannot taste again.

On to a more recent development:
I'm currently pathetically attempting to court a rez girl. Yet I am nearly certain she has forgotten my name by now. I have no ways to really engage her in conversation, and I cannot bring myself to approach her during a meal (the only times I am in the same room as her). So either I get lucky and see her in the hallway, in which case I would extent an invitation to conversation. Or I let this die inside of me, using a mixture of pessimism and depression to kill the hope in my soul.

I hope I run into her at some point.

well this killed a couple minutes, that's good. I am in a never ending chase to acquire the future. The irony is so rich it's nearly unbelievable. For those keeners out there, I might write again within a couple months, I like this blog and it immortalizes the present, trapping it. but I try to write either in time of ecstatic joy, or more sadness. I wouldn't bet your money on the former