Belated Anniversary

So I forgot to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of this blog, the first post was on April 19, 2009. Feels like just yesterday, yet also a distant fairy tale at the same time. I think I'll keep it going for a while, every month or so I like to come back here.

It's become a sort of reminder to myself of what's happened and a constant refocus to remember what is truly important in my days. And most importantly to keep my dignity and integrity through anything.

Foreign Language

The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them-- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear.
-Stephen king

Pearl of the Stars

I'd give you everything,
If only I'd have known you'd take it.
But you don't...

Broken mess

The Classic Crime- Broken Mess
He can't sleep, he can't eat
He keeps thinking about her behind the locked door of her bedroom
As she knowingly tortures the shell that is left of her bridegroom
And what did he do to deserve
This whore of a wife who parades her disgrace to his face now
When he loved her and gave up his life in more ways than she knows how
And all I can say is that

Love is a terrible art, it’s a hook in the heart
That can drag you on broken glass
And as you protest the shards in your flesh
The hook tears out your chest until you’re just a broken mess

Where is God in this rot?
Depraved she commits the most heinous of sins and breaks her vows
But he loves her despite all the crimes she devises in his house
Where is God? I’ve been taught
That He’s close to the broken, it's true I have spoken with Him some
When I look in my brother's eyes I can see where his love comes from
And all he can say is that

Love is a terrible art, it’s a hook in the heart
That can drag you on broken glass
And as you protest the shards in your flesh
The hook tears out your chest until you’re just a broken mess

But he has mercy on her lover and does not bleed him dry
A credit to his self control, if it were me that monster would probably die

Love is a beautiful thing, she can make your heart sing
When you’re walking on broken glass
She will open your eyes, make your heart feel alive
Point you toward the sunrise
Help you leave all this broken mess behind

Love is a beautiful thing
Will you leave this broken mess behind?

Forget My Name

1 in the chamber, and 2 in the clip, do what I have to to die on my feet.

The Coldest Heart

song time.. lyrics are in no order... just as they play in shuffe...spaces indicate different parts of the song.... where as lines indicate song changes.
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Woah I'm losing hope, there's a hole in my heart that's been cut out of stone. Woah, cold comes, cold goes. Could you fill this hole? Because I can't do it alone.

The coldest heart can be brought to life, when it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes
I've got the coldest heart
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A smarter man than me said "there's no bravery, just degrees of fear." but I fear that we're incapable

Where's the kid who went out of his way just know your name?? ( I never should have bothered) We're taking a good hard look at the bald faced crook. Too rich to last, too famous too fast.
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I don't believe that everything you've known about me is gone forever. And I won't forget the things we spent forever, it haunts me.
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In the valley of the dying sun I walk a crooked path alone. I came across a shadow of a man with an angel's breath. "Oh boy." He said to me, "I see your future. Though you long for peace, the sword is your father!"

Bathed in the powder of a thousand guns I am the king of sorrows. Watered by the tears of the innocent ones the river grows, it moves, it swells. "Son." it calls to me, "Your days are numbered, sow the seeds you will, but I am the reaper."
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Cheap Shots

I expect someone to get to know me a lot more before judging me. More then a week, more then 4 conversations. I think once I show my real self to someone, most people will like that. I know I make bad first impressions and come off too strong or strange sometimes. I try not to, I attempt at normality, I'm not normal nor do I want to be normal, but I'm not as far off as I sometimes give the impression to.

I have a strong set of values, and goals, and so much that just takes a long time to understand. I didn't develop who I am through simple ways, it's been long and complex and mostly just really shitty. And I want someone to hear the stories, to try and understand the logic, the actions, the consequences.

Some days I feel like I'm wearing thin, the cogs have been grinding, the wear and tear of this life starts to show some days

If (acoustic)

I want someone to want to know me

Unnatural Selection

Hello my faithful readers, rejoice for your hallowed leader has returned. lol. I guess I'm back writing what appears to be another blog entry. Update...? bllllaaaaarrrgggghhhh. that's about all I have atm.

well I might as well get into it, luckily the ripples created from these words will not exist, so I don't really have reason to abstain, plus in the future I will enjoy rereading them myself. I feel kinda zombie like. I appear to be waiting for something, but I cannot risk making it specific, for precise goals can fail precisely, but ambiguous ones are harder to lose, so I keep mine as vague as possible and keep looking towards the "future".

Anyhow, so I feel pretty shitty day-to-day (hyphens? heck yes). Can't say I'm very surprised, it's been this way for so long that sometimes I pretend it's always been like this. Alas, I know it has not, yet I suppose that it a main cause for this mood: I once tasted joy, it's been absent for longer than I imagined possible. So long I forget the flavour, and even worse, assume I cannot taste again.

On to a more recent development:
I'm currently pathetically attempting to court a rez girl. Yet I am nearly certain she has forgotten my name by now. I have no ways to really engage her in conversation, and I cannot bring myself to approach her during a meal (the only times I am in the same room as her). So either I get lucky and see her in the hallway, in which case I would extent an invitation to conversation. Or I let this die inside of me, using a mixture of pessimism and depression to kill the hope in my soul.

I hope I run into her at some point.

well this killed a couple minutes, that's good. I am in a never ending chase to acquire the future. The irony is so rich it's nearly unbelievable. For those keeners out there, I might write again within a couple months, I like this blog and it immortalizes the present, trapping it. but I try to write either in time of ecstatic joy, or more sadness. I wouldn't bet your money on the former