rant rant rant rant rant

So I guess I'm here writing again, well this is kind of awkward to say the least...

I mean I haven't really been very faithful to the blog, and it's comparable to that friend you only talk to on rare occasions, and they think you're using them. But you're not, because when the shit goes down they're the only person you call, even if you don't see them very often. But you feel bad for using them only in need. Yet you appreciate them more then 90% of the friends you see everyday.

That's this blog.

Anyhow, onto buisness, I wouldn't be writing in here unless there was something up, right?

Right.

I don't really know where to start: Obvious generalization seems like a good place:
I'm still sad.

K, now that that's out of the way let's move on to deeper thoughts into it and different possible reasons on a given day: K, sounds good.

I'm trapped in a self-perpetuating death spiral of guilt, plus I'm a pessimist. But more on that later.

CassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassie

WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH YOU OWEN!?!?!

I've got some guesses, but nothing good enough to explain why it still hurts. I must be just straight f-ed. I mean, let's look at the facts:
1. Havent seen, heard, ANYTHING about her for 3 months
2. Got dumped 8 months ago
3. She only used me for the 5 month period after dumping me
4. Despite all my best efforts to help her escalating substance problems, she didn't give a fuck
5. She's probably still dating the "love of her life", who she basically dumped me for. But it's clear he doesn't actually give a flying fuck.
6. I am all "growed" up, and these are trivial adolescent angsts that happen to immature high schoolers.
7. I believe in a God that not only protects me, but has a specific plan for me.

that's just off the top of my head. Of course there are more reasons I could name, but I'm tired of that list.

I went back home last month when Mitch was sick as most of you know. When I was there i reread old love letters from her (ya, I know)..

It's not that it made me see anything new or rekindled old feelings. I've thought about her at least once a day, EVERYDAY..... Sometimes its a 5 minute moment of weakness. Sometimes its 3 hours during the day. And sometimes it keeps me from sleep all night long.

Mostly, I think it's because that this past year was obviously my shittiest year to date. And in the middle of the shittiness is when I met her. And even though I messed up a bunch early on. She didn't let that stop a relationship (albeit, a short one) from growing. And she still appreciated me, for being me. Right up until the end, and everything since then doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

I guess it's the fact that I always feel a constant pressure to perform "Up to potential" "To norms", etc etc... I know I have good potential and shit. But when I fall down, I don't care about the future, or about what other people think. I just don't want a crushing feeling of being alone and for being wrong for feeling that way. Which is what I feel day to day.

I guess it's why I feel so sad about the whole happenings. It was the first time that I could mess up, and still feel wanted. Which is one thing that makes me sad, another is I still believe it's my fault she's gone. Which means I, myself, am responsible for losing my favourite feeling of all time. And that sure as hell makes me feel worse.

So in short, A past mistake, that probably didn't even affect the eventual outcome of the relationship. Makes me take all responsibility for losing a girl, who, obviously, didn't really love me. Yet it brings me down to my knees daily.
Self-diagnoses says that I'm pretty much as crazy as I, personally could get. There is so much wrong with that story. But I can't break it. And deep down, I'm not sure I want to.

I mean, I want to be happy, and with the right person, whoever that might be, I'm not still trying to go back. But it feels impossible and almost wrong to do it alone. I've always moved on by "changing targets" so to speak. But when there's no prospects, I lose hope fast and my thoughts always drift back to her.

I bet that if i found someone new, I would instantly stop thinking about Cassie. I just don't have a future I can look into, it's all hypothetical with no evidence or potentials of it actually happening. So I look back

Then there's the issue of since her. NOTHING. I am incapable of attracting someone. Which then makes me question if there's anything that would attract a girl inside me. And a lot of the times I come to a flat "no" conclusion.

Sure I want t

People all around me say things like "Why would a girl want you how you are right now?? Depressed, uncaring about life, timid, shy, introverted. You have to change and become better first"
FUCK...... THAT!!

Ok, maybe I don't disagree 100%, but to a point. I just want to be appreciated and WANTED for what I have to offer right now. I want to make someone happy. I want to feel close, and needed, not just another aimless person.

A lot of me doesn't want to become better without finding someone. Because I would never know if they liked me, or if they liked my abilities, my potential, my skills. But not me.

And if that ever happened, I don't know if I could deal with it when the lie was finally exposed.

I've always wanted this "person". Even back to elementary school. And when I had opportunities. I took them, I developed. I wanted to become someone who was "a good boyfriend". I busted my ass trying to become that sort of person. But not because it was forced. I WANT to be that person.

The most satisfying compliment I hope to get is "A good husband and father"... I guess that's the bottom line

And if I was able to be happy without being on the path to achieving that. It would have to mean that it lost some of its importance. And that's something I CANNOT let happen, no matter the cost.