Curbside Goodbye

I suppose it's time to once again blow the dust off this blog and use it to immortalize how shitty I feel. I understand that I've already filled pages upon pages with rants and frustrations. I know how futile this, but for some reason I am compelled to write more. I woke up this morning with an overarching feeling of uselessness. As if everything I strive for and everything that is important to me is merely the ravings of a lunatic.

Obviously, I wouldn't be writing unless I felt depressed, that's the purpose of this ol' blog. However, this time, I have nothing to reflect upon, nothing to improve. Spoiler alert: I got dumped. Summary: my personality is so shitty that anything short of a complete overhaul of my identity would have been futile. I didn't make any giant mistake, I JUST AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER. Everything she liked about me in the beginning are the reasons she didn't want to be with me anymore. And if there is a way to insult a person more than by saying you hate everything about their personality, someone post it in the comments. HAHA, the joke's on me, no one reads this or comments.

"Good", as I understand, is subjective and it's equally useless to try and live up to some criteria where all of a sudden your life magically changes. And, I understand that qualities in people are not polarized nor are they "correct". People have preferences about what they want in another person. Of course there are commonalities that are cited often (funny, smart, honest, blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah). But once again, even though people use the same word, everyone has a unique definition for what they mean when it's used.

For me, this is extremely frustrating because apparently I just fucking suck. And this isn't the first person to not want to date me because apparently my personality is garbage, and they both explicitly said it. I'm not sure why so much of my happiness and stability relies on woman. I've mentioned this before, but not that they do anything for me, just being in a relationship makes me more confident and happier about everything, always. Even when I purposefully was single I just felt like garbage all the time.

My relationships constantly end in disaster and it's my fault because I choose them and because I bring my own problems too. I don't hate myself, but when I date people different from me they hate me, and if I met someone who was like myself, I'd probably hate them.

I don't know if that last part is true. Actually, I don't know if any of this is true.

Fuck, this year turned around so quickly, such a happy start, looked promising. Goddamn I'm a miserable bastard.

so I learnt from you

Some days I forget how much most people don't like me, and then I become sad.