no cheeses for us meeses

I've never been a huge Christmas fan, every year as a child I was rushed around different households to have a quick celebration before it was off to an airplane to fly to the states for more Christmas  and it all seemed to be a forced expression that spent more time caring about an ideal than about the real people involved. 

Though these visits were pleasant and (mostly) not spent arguing and fighting with anyone. Anyhow, so despite my lack of enthusiasm I still have a favourite Christmas movie: The Muppet's Christmas Carol. Classic literature (even though I've never actually read any Charles Dickens yet) and puppets. I've seen it dozens of times and it's great. But I particularly enjoy the introduction of Scrooge (Michael Caine).   

Merry Christmas

Tighten Up

"....little black submarines. Operator, please, put me back on the line.... told my girl I'd be back. Operator... Please, this is wrecking my mind."

      Dan gripped the receiver tighter, but all the desire in his head couldn't will a sound to emit from the other end of the line. Silence, no proof if his message had been heard, but the words needed to be cried out regardless of whether anyone listened or cared.

"Oh can it be? The voices calling me get lost and out of time. Operator please."

      But only the echoes of his desperation existed to provide solace in the unfamiliar phone booth.

"Call me back, when it's time. Stolen friends! And disease! Operator, please... Patch me back to my mind."

      The strangeness in his own voice made him pause, his thoughts were fuzzy. Dan leaned back on the glass, sliding down to a crouched position. In one hand, a pure black phone receiver, in the other, his sweating brow. He struggled to remember how he had gotten there and who he was crying out to on the other line. All he knew was the urgency.

"Treasure maps! Fallen trees! Operator please. Call me back when it's time."

      The silence overcame him, and his limbs went limp as the receiver fell from his hand. The device clattered as it swung into the glass, providing the only answer to the multitude of questions. Dan arose and replaced the receiver in its cradle, a quarter clinked into the change return slot. The metallic sound lingered in the stillness.

      He picked up the phone once again, placed the quarter in its home, and pressed 0. The machine clinked, but nothing altered the black, dead, receiver. He spoke anyway, bargaining with nothing.

"You know me. I had plans... but... they just disappeared to the back of my mind. Operator... please... The voices calling me, I...." He paused. "They get lost and out... I, I... can't remember."

      Dan's concern escalated as he listened to what he was saying. Although it had always been this way, verbalizing it brought him panic. He had no reason to believe that someone, if not something, could hear him. But Dan did believe, because the only other option was too difficult to imagine, so he pushed it from his mind.

End of part 1.

      I'm procrastinating on campus as per usual and I decided to write a short story (it's not over) because of a song. One of my favourite part of lyrics is the lack of punctuation, merely putting in commas and periods can completely alter the meaning of the words. So I decided to mess around with lyrics but in a narrative structure. I'm not sure where this will go or when I decide to continue it. But I hope it caught your attention and was intriguing. Here's the song by the way.
Little Black Submarines- The Black Keys

Plans & Reveries

I spend a lot of time on campus these days starting and finishing term papers in the solitude (hopefully) of the arts computer lab. And again, here I am, another day looking over research to play the games of university, grades over intelligence, repetition over analysis, regurgitation over creation. Though it does push me to adapt and play by others' rules, and "everyone" knows how much I hate doing that.
Anyways, I'm writing a paper on the negativity bias (the tendency for adults to be more affected by negative information than positive) and there are a lot of interesting things regarding behavior that I hadn't thought about in this manner. For example, one of the findings is that negative memories are told with regard to introspection and a focus on emotion while positive memories are told with more attention to events. It's obvious, it's common sense, and yet I hadn't fully considered the fluid role of memory in regard to our emotions.

Building upon the notions of memory, young children have great memories, 3 year olds will remember with vivid detail the events of vacations and pain for occurrences for months and years. Yet, other than a few distinct instances (some of which are false memories constructed to fit our present 'self', for further reading start with Adler) these memories fade and blur. It's almost like our conscious lives as children is completely foreign to our current conscious state. Like that time spent as kids was an entirely different life, a life that left a great deal of residue in the present, but that is separate, untouchable, nearly alien.

Each brick becomes a permanent part of that structure we call our 'self', but how much of reality of the brick matters? is the core of the event what matters, the "material" of the brick. Or does the sloppy paint job we've thrown over it matter more? Does the metaphorical brick become cement if painted that way?

On an unrelated note, go watch Jacob's Ladder immediately, it's a psychological horror film made in the early 90s, it uses zero post production effects, once you have, come talk to me about it.

Chasing Kaleidoscope Dreams

So I was driving back from Banff starting at 4:30am after a number of sleep deprived nights and I was listening to a high school CD and I came across a band that I had forgotten about a couple years ago: Motion City Soundtrack.

What a beautiful emo band- 2 songs stick out as my favourites from the time

L.G. Fuad- I was always attracted to this song, (who wasn't as a teen?). But I think in hindsight it is even more relevant than I first thought. Especially during my 18th year of living.

When You're Around- (acoustic version) This song went hand in hand with LG Fuad (in discovery), though it isn't as recklessly self-destructive as the last. In retrospect I think it marks my 19th year pretty well. I'm not really a fan of the original version though.


B-B-B-BONUS TRACK

The Future Freaks Me Out
Because this song is way too damn classic from my neck of the woods

Shout-out to Ross for introducing me to this band an odd 10 years ago (though he doesn't know this blog exist)
According to Wikipedia this marks the Tin/Aluminum anniversary (That is, if I had married the band on the first date)

Gotta Knock A Little Harder

I was reading TheLastPsychiatrist at work today and I came across a perfect paragraph:

"Words are always and forever beautiful lies, the enemies of logic, when you hear them you should run away, seal your ears with wax or drown them out with a lyre's song, lest you be seduced to your death;  they don't tempt your body, they tempt your spirit, and no one can resist them." -TLP

There are two sides to why I love this quote so much, first is because of the poetry, not necessarily flow, but it expresses this over-the-top romantic idealism of Shakespeare. Referencing things like "lyres", using words like "lest, seal, wax" or metaphors "enemies of logic". But it is the culmination of all these elements which is perfected by the exaggeration: "forever beautiful lies". It's so meaningless. It's the type of line I'd find in a grade 9 kid's bad poetry book. I love "meaningful" things, but I can still laugh at them even if I completely understand them, I'm not insulting doing dramatic emotional expression, hell, I did that. But in retrospect I still can laugh at my, sometimes, overly-dramatic teenage emotions.

And yet, it also conveys a philosophical truth about communication. Words are symbols used to express concrete objects or abstract ideas. But because everyone person has a slightly different connotation to every word, especially for abstract ideas like emotions that require introspection. But, I think everyone knows that feeling of ambiguity about our own feelings or opinions. Our understanding of our self is flawed, and then we try to put that flawed understanding into words, and these words are interpreted by another person who has different heuristics. And then bang, not a single word is true, it's just impossible. But we believe we have the truth, and yet we are ignorant of our ignorance: the worst blockage to growth. For the person cannot grow if they do not recognize a weakness. They are all forever lies. Beautiful if we let them bring us joy, which they do. 

It's both a ridiculous exaggeration while remaining a fundamental 'truth' about communication. Efficient and intelligent. Perfect.

edit: 100th post. 

No Dawn, No Day, I'm Always In This Twilight

Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love

A falling star fell from you heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore though them and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat 
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped and I was in the darkness 
So darkness I became 

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out 
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart.

I don't even know where to start right now. Obviously there is a song posted right above, it's not brand new but it is quality, and charged with so much emotion. The pounding drums simulating the pounding heart communicate the perfect desperation for how I feel now. There is so much I want to say about this song, so I'll start with the beginning.

The introduction is perfect, it starts off sounding so romantic "a falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes". Oh, I get it, the singer is in love. wait, what's that? "I screamed aloud, as it tore through them and now it's left me blind". I love the extended metaphor about vision. The eyes have always been associated with knowledge, fore sight. The classic example is Prometheus from Greek mythology (no, not the alien prequel). So not only does this song play on the classic cliche that "love is blind" but it connects the two symbols together by bringing up the stars and moon.

At first it seems like an extension of the blindness, but these cosmic bodies symbolize the singer's future dreams. It's brilliant, the singer loses their sight (aka fore-sight) and thus can no longer see what her future will be. All expressed in 4 lines. Brilliant.

Continuing with the chorus, the reference to times of day is hopefully pretty obvious (a "new day" never comes, aka she is stuck in the "twilight": sadness, ambiguity). Although I believe in the individual responsibility of each person, I love how the singer says "left me in the dark" rather than a more accusing or angry response, it seems factual, not angry, or resentful, but the simple truth: I am in the darkness now, and you left me there to suffer. It's not your duty to help me out, but your heart casts a shadow over my existence.

I don't know about anyone else, but I've always felt that one specific period of my life has always cast a shadow over everything that has come after it. 

Moving on, again, this song loves to continue with it's metaphors by referencing sound because the singer has lost their vision. beating heart: not just another person, but the love of another person. The singer is wandering helplessly looking for the sound leading them to the one person. But they cannot, so they become the darkness they feel they cannot escape. 

The 2nd verse is filled with hope as the singer finds her own way back to where she belongs, perhaps she's in the darkness, perhaps forever, but she is no longer lost. it's appropriate for the song, and it fits well with the metaphors. However, as a personal opinion, I find it too idealistic, I don't know how many times I tried to find my way out of the darkness, how many maps I've drawn. In fact, every time I look at a map of myself I realize how lost I am. It reminds me of the forest dream I wrote about months ago. Not only that, but who is kidding themselves into thinking the people who hurt us the most are ever coming back to help us out of the darkness. Trust me, it doesn't happen.

Sorry, this post is getting a little cynical, gotta build some walls sometimes. Hope is important, hope is the only thing keeping everyone functioning. Once upon time I lost my hope. It never came back. I made more, but it was never the same. 

There is this one past life I once had, sometimes I think about who I would have became, how I'd feel now if that life hadn't died. The problem is that starting new is impossible, and I carry that death inside of me where ever I go. Maybe carrying death makes me stronger, maybe it constantly sabotages my present, I'm not really sure but this quote from Spike Spiegel (from Cowboy Bebop) seems appropriate: "I've been seeing the past in one eye and the present in the other. So, I thought I could only see patches of reality, never the whole picture. I feel like I am watching dream that I can never wake up from."

I say all these things because I was reminded of something that can never be put into words. No matter how many times I've tried to communicate these ideas and emotions it always comes out wrong. I cant shake this feeling of being so close to where I've always wanted to be, but never could belong. 

belong

that concept has always evaded me

But I will keep on going, that's what life is right? Even if I never fully belong I will always find a temporarily relief, just enough to keep improving.

The Words Have Gone, But The Meaning Will Never Disappear

So I haven't been writing frequently, which is good. I'm back because of a song, well, poem really. I want to remember this poem in the future when I look back here. The song is called Lovers' Carvings and I love how the lack of punctuation allows for different readings ever so slightly, and I love how the poem manages to communicate such universal feelings of love and loss without overwhelming one side (aka it was neither depressing nor cheesy).

Lovers' Carvings
Lovers' names, carved in walls
Overlap, start to merge
Some of them underneath
Maybe they appear
In graveyards
Maybe they fade away
Weathered and overgrown
Time has told
Meaningful hidden words
Suddenly appear from the murk
Maybe they're telling us
That the end
Never was
Never will
The words have gone
But the meaning will never disappear
From the wall

It's a good chill song too - Lovers' Carvings- Bibio

But I prefer this remix, it's similar - Lovers' Carvings - Bibio (Bruno Be & Eddie M Remix)

I absolutely love the lines "The words have gone / But the meaning will never disappear". I have been reading a lot about psychology, psychiatry, and applicable medicine (SSRIs, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers  etc.), and the one thing that constantly trumps medication is choice, not just an immediate choice, but habits, thought patterns. What we think about, how we think, what media we consume, who we interact with, our "identity" comes down to what we do. Research has shown that even the briefest glance at a picture will prime for a future association (about 93% in one study). This means that if we constantly occupy our time with thoughts and media of anger, resentment, fear, then these will prime our future interpretations of events which effects our behavior, what we consume and think change how we act. and you get to to choose what you dwell on.

This applies to the line because the majority of our thoughts, our actions, who we spend time with, who we've loved, who has hurt us, nearly everything, ever, becomes a part of our identity, but we get to choose how. Do you dwell on the pain? do you focus on growth and trust or harbor doubt and fear?

what it should say is:
The words have gone, but their meaning to us will never disappear

(it shouldn't actually say this, it would ruin the poetry, but for the point I'm trying to make it should)

Curbside Goodbye

I suppose it's time to once again blow the dust off this blog and use it to immortalize how shitty I feel. I understand that I've already filled pages upon pages with rants and frustrations. I know how futile this, but for some reason I am compelled to write more. I woke up this morning with an overarching feeling of uselessness. As if everything I strive for and everything that is important to me is merely the ravings of a lunatic.

Obviously, I wouldn't be writing unless I felt depressed, that's the purpose of this ol' blog. However, this time, I have nothing to reflect upon, nothing to improve. Spoiler alert: I got dumped. Summary: my personality is so shitty that anything short of a complete overhaul of my identity would have been futile. I didn't make any giant mistake, I JUST AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER. Everything she liked about me in the beginning are the reasons she didn't want to be with me anymore. And if there is a way to insult a person more than by saying you hate everything about their personality, someone post it in the comments. HAHA, the joke's on me, no one reads this or comments.

"Good", as I understand, is subjective and it's equally useless to try and live up to some criteria where all of a sudden your life magically changes. And, I understand that qualities in people are not polarized nor are they "correct". People have preferences about what they want in another person. Of course there are commonalities that are cited often (funny, smart, honest, blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah). But once again, even though people use the same word, everyone has a unique definition for what they mean when it's used.

For me, this is extremely frustrating because apparently I just fucking suck. And this isn't the first person to not want to date me because apparently my personality is garbage, and they both explicitly said it. I'm not sure why so much of my happiness and stability relies on woman. I've mentioned this before, but not that they do anything for me, just being in a relationship makes me more confident and happier about everything, always. Even when I purposefully was single I just felt like garbage all the time.

My relationships constantly end in disaster and it's my fault because I choose them and because I bring my own problems too. I don't hate myself, but when I date people different from me they hate me, and if I met someone who was like myself, I'd probably hate them.

I don't know if that last part is true. Actually, I don't know if any of this is true.

Fuck, this year turned around so quickly, such a happy start, looked promising. Goddamn I'm a miserable bastard.

so I learnt from you

Some days I forget how much most people don't like me, and then I become sad.

Smoke and Mirrors

I don't like the fact that people refuse to understand themselves. They listen to whatever nonconscious influences they have developed without knowing where they came from or what function they have.

Some people get distant when confronted with conflict, others get emotional, or fearful, or abusive. All these behaviors are adaptive and do not represent reality, but merely the defense mechanisms they learned to use. Yet, people treat them as truth. This becomes particularly frustrating when people tell you what they think is truth, and they're not lying per se. But, because they don't understand themselves, they don't know that they have been lying until someone has already been devastated, be it someone who cares for them or themselves.

I am guilty of this before and I am dearly sorry for any and all pain that I have caused others. I have always worked diligently to know myself, I may not have been successful, but I did the best I can.

I have this sinking feeling that this concept is going to end up hurting me very much soon. I want to believe people, and I do, so when the truth surprises both parties I take the fall harder because I trust completely, essentially gambling. The worst part is that I'm probably creating problems that never used to exist. My insecurities are my self-destruction.

I may not be that different from other people, but I think I know what I don't know, which is a lot more than most people can say. Hopefully, it brings me closer to the truth (whatever that means). I'm just a chauffeur and a tag-along, and I guess that would be okay if other people acknowledged it. But they tell me lies of grandeur, and I don't appreciate my hopes being crushed, because I believe their siren songs, at least for a little while.

I might not understand all that I say, but I know that I mean it.

Trying to Find a Balance

In the days of kings and queens I was a jester,
treat me like a god, oh they treat me like a leper.
-Slug

I don't necessarily feel this way 100%, the intensity of the song really attracts me to it.

101 Dalmations

So this is the One hundred and first post, which I didn't realize last post. I guess that is in itself a cause to celebrate. I am surprised and happy that it has endured this long, but this is not the cause for my writing now.

I started dating lindsay a little more than a week ago (common knowledge) and it's going great. However, we were talking about our past shittiness and she felt that I had too many painful experiences with women. Not that I was super messed up or anything, just surprised at the volume. We kept talking and we (or I) came to the conclusion that I give everyone the benefit of the doubt at a detriment to my own emotional state. She was surprised by my vulnerability and said that, essentially, I had gotten hurt through my own choices and attitudes, that I should have adapted to prevent them.

She's right, but I like to pretend that this is caused by my unwavering commitment to providing everyone with the benefit of the doubt. This is probably not true, but it's what I tell myself, so it is true to me. I know it has shaped who I am today, for good or for bad. I do not regret my decisions, I am only trying to understand them, peace.

edit: 101st draft. not actually post. Woops.

Regulation

So I'll start off this post by supplying a little back story to the last couple weeks. My average dropped by around 6 percent for the semester because I fucked up a couple assignments after working moderately hard the rest of the semester. So I've been somewhat frustrated with myself. Then with Christmas coming, I left my shopping until the last couple days which didn't help. My dad arrived late on the 27th and being around him and Diane takes more effort than normal. then on top of that, I picked up a sore throat, managed to overcome that quickly though.


So I've been stressed and tired for the last couple weeks and hopefully I've provided enough context to account for the last post. I swear I'm not as crazy as these posts, I usually only feel motivated to write when I'm upset, thus, if someone only read this blog they would probably avoid me.

Continuing on, I changed paces by having one fantastic New Years Eve. Unfortunately I wasn't allowed the day after to recover (which I needed) and spent more time with my dad. finally arrived at home with adequate time to sleep, when all of a sudden I find myself unable to switch off. I lay in bed thinking for hours and even with a little sleep incentive (pills) I still awoke many times during the night. I was not even stressed, my thoughts were about trivial moments.

I've always had a rather intense aspect when getting started with women and generally come on too strong. This has seen a fair amount of disaster because by the time I level out to my usual self they think I'm bat-shit crazy and peace out. This area of my life has always been a weak spot that I try to regulate. It's bad for my own emotions (highs and lows) and prevents relationships (friend or romantic) from growing.

This is particularly disappointing to me because I strongly believe that everyone deserves a fair opportunity before judgement is passed. Back to the present, despite my stress and fatigue I feel that I am doing much better than previous encounters and am excited about this new development. I feel quite hopeful about it, but need to remain cautious.

Josh is leaving to Calgary tomorrow and his going away is tonight at O'Shea's. Hopefully I will be able to sleep after that. Sleep deprivation is terrible to a person's mental health and I don't want to come off as needy, or crazy, or undesirable simply because of stress and lack of sleep.

I will leave off with a part of a song that is similar to my current feelings
The Cave - Mumford & Sons
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again