Gone too Far to Turn it Back

I've come to hate reality. The truth did not unlock my shackles but instead mutilated the bindings. Understanding how people interact and, thus, how I interact, has put another reason for why I can blame myself. I know other's mental weaknesses, I know that they are controlled by their desires, biological tendencies, heuristics. I see the confirmation bias every second, yet I do not exploit this knowledge. Rather, I watch myself become stuck in the same ruts I've always been in while others fall prey to their bias (natural, cultural, biological, or whatever it may be).

I convince myself that my values are different from the standard weaknesses and biological tendencies. That one must become aware of their weaknesses so that they can overcome them, and then maybe they will see the value that I have (or think I have). I know that I can't say I'm 'better' than anyone else because everything is subjective. But I desperately want someone to have the same subjective values that I hold.

Yet I am weak, especially now, and would settle for any such comfort, no matter how temporary or fake. In the end, deception is not the determinant for right or wrong, contentment, empathy, helpfulness, charisma, leadership, intelligence. All these traits are valued, but whether they are honest is never questioned by others, nor does it matter to ourselves. People do not care if they have 'the best' girlfriend, or job, or anything, as long as they feel as if they do, they do. Subjective truth is the foundation of human psychology.

And now that I know this truth, I can never go back to before. Subjectively I would be wrong, willingly ignorant, something I refuse to be. Thus, everyone else can find contentment in their lies, but I have lost that ability.

Some days I miss being depressed and suicidal, it had more answers than disappointment. But just like before, subjectively, I can't go back anymore. I conquered self-destruction to become trapped in nihilism.

The Death of One Man is a Tragedy, the Death of Millions is a Statistic

So I just finished watching another Hollywood violence filled adrenaline pumping blockbuster and it got me thinking about how impersonal everyone has become (or naturally is). The film began with prisoners being let out of their cells and beating guards. However, it only showed above their torsos as they wailed on him, all the while a main character jokes from a distance.

I realized how many times I've seen some scene like this where people perpetrate insane brutality while breezing over the consequences. That guard would probably die from having his face beat into a pulp, yet the movie kept rolling without ever stopping to think about this man's well-being, let alone his pain, or dreams, or family, or all those things we like to pretend 'bad guys' don't have.

I'm not surprised by this movie as it's a known psychological phenomena that people of 'out-groups' are perceived as carbon copied sub-humans. However, the problem arises when any other person can be placed into an out-group at will. Culture classifies people into race, nationality, language, accent, religion, class, job...... all the way down to hair colour (think 'gingers').

Don't get me wrong, most of the time people don't classify everyone else and beat them horrendously, but the problem arises because we can if we want to. If we need to dehumanize other people to maintain our own self-worth we will. People have been accustomed to dividing everything into polar opposites when the stakes get high (right/wrong, ally/enemy)

These habits of dehumanization and polarization become apparent when people start to get hurt, namely in relationships. I've been on the receiving end of this method before, when people fight or things no longer are going as well as before people stop treating people with the basic dignity they deserve. Yet, ask the perpetrators how they feel and usually (not always) their hurtful actions make them dislike the person they hurt even more. Person A (the perpetrator) has two options, either they themselves are terrible people or person B deserves it. Thus, they choose the second option and feel great about themselves while hating person B even more, causing a self-inducing destructive cycle.

This is where these classifications come in, if we can easily turn anyone into a member of an out-group then the slowly escalating cycle of hate begins. Now I will link this into the digital age of impersonal communication. Take a look at any forum to see how faceless individuals treat each other. Things like ignoring texts, or phone calls has become socially acceptable (if slightly frowned upon), ignoring others' dignity has become a matter of convenience. Slowly we are beginning to classify everyone else as faceless and inhuman whenever the need arises.

And it scares the living shit out of me.

Ain't That A Bitch

I guess the most important and pertinent thing I've learned in a long time is the affect of illusions on mental stability. Particularly, the fact that illusions (specifically relational) ones increase mental stability. This was not only shocking, but completely personality changing because I always strived for the marriage of truth and happiness.

I always assumed if I found ultimate truth I would find happiness as well. However, I have learned that truth is different. Finding complete and absolute truth IS NOT happiness. "Happy" belongs to self-deception and LIES. Truth is misery, truth is uncomfortable.

People need to lie to themselves, people need to pretend that falseness is truth or else we cannot exist in an ideal situation.

Now I know why truth never brought me happiness. I was never meant to be happy, I was meant to be honest. Woe to me. I've begun to think that maybe I could live my life alone. After reading these studies I'm positive that I can, even if I don't want to. I can accept the truth, even if I hate it.

Sleep, The Only Time I Cannot Protect Myself From Myself

Last final this morning, yay. My sleep schedule has been a little messed up as of late (going to bed ~4am) but regardless of this fact my lying awake problem never completed subsided. Even at 4 I'd stay awake for a while thinking, less so then when I tried sleeping earlier though so I kept staying up really late. Obviously with the final today I couldn't stay up till 4am and right at 9am so I went to bed at 1am this time.

My thoughts were still there but I managed to keep them at bay by looping a single a line from a song over and over and over until I fell asleep ("One day, will this be over?" The Silent Comedy - All Saints Day. Even with this strategy it still took 30-45 minutes, but that's a huge improvement. I still ended up waking up 5 or so times in the early morning (~5am) in the middle of my dream, where I would fall asleep again and be right back in the dream.

Once again my dreams taunted me with Cassie. I'd write it out here, but I don't think I want to remember it. I'd rather let it fade into nothingness.

The Shield of Achilles

So Matt posted this excellent song (Bartholomew - The Silent Comedy), but one paragraph explains my ultimate decision to dedicate myself to understanding myself and then others. Essentially it is the reason for being in Psychology now, enough build up, here it is.

I rambled with the worst of them
fell in love with a harlequin
Saw the darkest hearts of men
And I saw myself staring back again and I saw myself staring back again.

When I first went through my troubles and what-not I had always seen myself as an exception to the norm, but as I continued to live and learn about others I realized how typical my experience was (or a more extreme version). I was just another person among a multitude and the more I learned about the "crazy" people the more I saw parts of myself in everyone and vice versa. I am no longer surprised by anyone's actions, ever. Murder, empathy, sacrifice, suicide, all are within every person, it just takes a certain type of circumstances to bring them to light. The more I try and type out my reasoning the less sense it makes. It sounded better in my head.

Anyway, another thing that fits with this theme is an extremely famous and popular quote by Nietzsche that I'll leave off with. Enjoy, or become frightened, your choice.

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you"

The Colossus

I think I found a song which encapsulates part of the last post's song. So last time I briefly talked about being someone you don't like or doing things you disagree with. The song chalks it up to circumstance, but as all things in life, they are never that simple.

Anyways, so this song seems to capture the concept of external, hurtful circumstance in relation to internal naivety which exacerbates the problem.

Rumored Nights - The Academy Is...

I walked you home most days
To beat the traffic after class
With all my best intentions
But when the weather changed
Like fine print, you were hard to read
Blindfolded, eyes wide open
Staring through me...

I never heard the words that were spoken
Witht the rumored nights, with the rendezvous
I never thought the whispers were true till now...

I saw things that I shouldn't have tonight, tonight
I know now what I couldn't have
I've gone too far to turn it back
I've gone too far to turn it back

Followed you home halfway
Over the fence to your backyard
With all my best intenetions
And through your window frame
Outstretched and lying on your bed
Blindfolded, eyes wide open
Staring though me...

I never heard the words that were spoken
With the rumored nights, with the rendezvous
I'll never look at you like I used to now...

I saw things that I shouldn't have tonight, tonight
I know now what I couldn't have
I've gone too far to turn it back
I've gone too far to turn it back

Uninvited, no one knows
How much I care, how bad you are
How good we'd be, but you won't let me in
Goodnight, I'm leaving

I never heard the words that were spoken
With the rumored nights, with the rendezvous
I never thought the whispers were true till now...

I saw things that I shouldn't have tonight, tonight
I know now what I couldn't have
I've gone too far to turn it back
I've gone too far to turn it back

I walked you home most days
I had the best intentions
I walked you home most days
I had the best intentions
I walked you home most days...

I like the idea of a single event completely altering the main character's perspective. Change, especially personality change, is obviously more complex than single events. However, I love the poetic simplicity it presents, and it fits with how people remember (or at least re-tell) important moments in their life. Even when I look back at defining moments of my character and things that shaped who I am now I like to simplify complex stories into single evenings and events in my memory.

I know that it's not that simple, but it is nice to pretend even for a moment that everything was external circumstance, that despite the 'best intentions' disaster was inevitable. The worst part is how necessary it all was, I don't have the luxury to look back and wish things had happened differently because I despise who I was and who I could have become.

These questions become increasingly important when we have to rationalize future disasters. Will we look back in regret or relief that what happened changed us? That is, considering who I am now, when I change into someone (thing) else will I be glad I'm different (like how I view my past now) or will I futility wish to return?

As with how I reacted before, I will probably once again bask in my 'new found' wisdom while criticizing the ignorance of the past. This brings up its own set up questions, for example, am I really better now or do I just rationalize my current scenario to prevent myself from being frozen in regret? Is there any real change occurring or is it an elaborate self-illusion to keep myself functioning?

Rumored Nights

I've been listening to a lot of music while I write my plethora of papers, specifically the the softer and more relaxed songs that don't interrupt my thoughts but help the time pass. So I'm writing about just world beliefs and the damage they cause how we relate to others and society, but the paradoxical quality of them because they are necessary to maintain an internal locus of control which is related to mental health and efficacy. Basically damned if you, damned if you don't.

Anyways, so a song came on that I have heard many times but I guess I never payed a lot of attention to the themes of the song because all of a sudden it grabbed my attention and I realized it expressed a lot of ideas that I believe but have trouble putting into words sometimes.

Believe me -Seabird

I try to keep up, I swear that I do.
But every time I look up I lose site of you.
I never wanted to be the way that I am,
But it's not my fault, it's just my circumstance.

Chorus
Believe me, believe me when I say,
I never wanted it this way. Believe me when I say,
I always tried to do my best. I gotta get this off my chest.

I wanted to be just where you are
Cause you're a beacon of light that awakens the stars.
I see you holding a fire, deep in your heart,
I know I'm not the one but I'll play the part.

Chorus

Someday soon, I'll be alright again.
I pray you've not forgot. Someday you will see the light again,
And find all that you've lost.

Chorus

Especially if you listen to song itself the mood of the song is very somber but hopeful. I really like the idea of regretting actions and their consequences but knowing that the decisions are necessary. Likewise with the psychological paradox about just world beliefs. It's the idea that sometimes we don't like who we are or what we do, but we still have to be that person or do that action. We don't want what's happening but we don't get to make that decision, only what to do next.

Someday soon we'll be alright again.