The Colossus

I think I found a song which encapsulates part of the last post's song. So last time I briefly talked about being someone you don't like or doing things you disagree with. The song chalks it up to circumstance, but as all things in life, they are never that simple.

Anyways, so this song seems to capture the concept of external, hurtful circumstance in relation to internal naivety which exacerbates the problem.

Rumored Nights - The Academy Is...

I walked you home most days
To beat the traffic after class
With all my best intentions
But when the weather changed
Like fine print, you were hard to read
Blindfolded, eyes wide open
Staring through me...

I never heard the words that were spoken
Witht the rumored nights, with the rendezvous
I never thought the whispers were true till now...

I saw things that I shouldn't have tonight, tonight
I know now what I couldn't have
I've gone too far to turn it back
I've gone too far to turn it back

Followed you home halfway
Over the fence to your backyard
With all my best intenetions
And through your window frame
Outstretched and lying on your bed
Blindfolded, eyes wide open
Staring though me...

I never heard the words that were spoken
With the rumored nights, with the rendezvous
I'll never look at you like I used to now...

I saw things that I shouldn't have tonight, tonight
I know now what I couldn't have
I've gone too far to turn it back
I've gone too far to turn it back

Uninvited, no one knows
How much I care, how bad you are
How good we'd be, but you won't let me in
Goodnight, I'm leaving

I never heard the words that were spoken
With the rumored nights, with the rendezvous
I never thought the whispers were true till now...

I saw things that I shouldn't have tonight, tonight
I know now what I couldn't have
I've gone too far to turn it back
I've gone too far to turn it back

I walked you home most days
I had the best intentions
I walked you home most days
I had the best intentions
I walked you home most days...

I like the idea of a single event completely altering the main character's perspective. Change, especially personality change, is obviously more complex than single events. However, I love the poetic simplicity it presents, and it fits with how people remember (or at least re-tell) important moments in their life. Even when I look back at defining moments of my character and things that shaped who I am now I like to simplify complex stories into single evenings and events in my memory.

I know that it's not that simple, but it is nice to pretend even for a moment that everything was external circumstance, that despite the 'best intentions' disaster was inevitable. The worst part is how necessary it all was, I don't have the luxury to look back and wish things had happened differently because I despise who I was and who I could have become.

These questions become increasingly important when we have to rationalize future disasters. Will we look back in regret or relief that what happened changed us? That is, considering who I am now, when I change into someone (thing) else will I be glad I'm different (like how I view my past now) or will I futility wish to return?

As with how I reacted before, I will probably once again bask in my 'new found' wisdom while criticizing the ignorance of the past. This brings up its own set up questions, for example, am I really better now or do I just rationalize my current scenario to prevent myself from being frozen in regret? Is there any real change occurring or is it an elaborate self-illusion to keep myself functioning?