Gone too Far to Turn it Back

I've come to hate reality. The truth did not unlock my shackles but instead mutilated the bindings. Understanding how people interact and, thus, how I interact, has put another reason for why I can blame myself. I know other's mental weaknesses, I know that they are controlled by their desires, biological tendencies, heuristics. I see the confirmation bias every second, yet I do not exploit this knowledge. Rather, I watch myself become stuck in the same ruts I've always been in while others fall prey to their bias (natural, cultural, biological, or whatever it may be).

I convince myself that my values are different from the standard weaknesses and biological tendencies. That one must become aware of their weaknesses so that they can overcome them, and then maybe they will see the value that I have (or think I have). I know that I can't say I'm 'better' than anyone else because everything is subjective. But I desperately want someone to have the same subjective values that I hold.

Yet I am weak, especially now, and would settle for any such comfort, no matter how temporary or fake. In the end, deception is not the determinant for right or wrong, contentment, empathy, helpfulness, charisma, leadership, intelligence. All these traits are valued, but whether they are honest is never questioned by others, nor does it matter to ourselves. People do not care if they have 'the best' girlfriend, or job, or anything, as long as they feel as if they do, they do. Subjective truth is the foundation of human psychology.

And now that I know this truth, I can never go back to before. Subjectively I would be wrong, willingly ignorant, something I refuse to be. Thus, everyone else can find contentment in their lies, but I have lost that ability.

Some days I miss being depressed and suicidal, it had more answers than disappointment. But just like before, subjectively, I can't go back anymore. I conquered self-destruction to become trapped in nihilism.