No Dawn, No Day, I'm Always In This Twilight

Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love

A falling star fell from you heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore though them and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat 
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped and I was in the darkness 
So darkness I became 

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out 
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart.

I don't even know where to start right now. Obviously there is a song posted right above, it's not brand new but it is quality, and charged with so much emotion. The pounding drums simulating the pounding heart communicate the perfect desperation for how I feel now. There is so much I want to say about this song, so I'll start with the beginning.

The introduction is perfect, it starts off sounding so romantic "a falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes". Oh, I get it, the singer is in love. wait, what's that? "I screamed aloud, as it tore through them and now it's left me blind". I love the extended metaphor about vision. The eyes have always been associated with knowledge, fore sight. The classic example is Prometheus from Greek mythology (no, not the alien prequel). So not only does this song play on the classic cliche that "love is blind" but it connects the two symbols together by bringing up the stars and moon.

At first it seems like an extension of the blindness, but these cosmic bodies symbolize the singer's future dreams. It's brilliant, the singer loses their sight (aka fore-sight) and thus can no longer see what her future will be. All expressed in 4 lines. Brilliant.

Continuing with the chorus, the reference to times of day is hopefully pretty obvious (a "new day" never comes, aka she is stuck in the "twilight": sadness, ambiguity). Although I believe in the individual responsibility of each person, I love how the singer says "left me in the dark" rather than a more accusing or angry response, it seems factual, not angry, or resentful, but the simple truth: I am in the darkness now, and you left me there to suffer. It's not your duty to help me out, but your heart casts a shadow over my existence.

I don't know about anyone else, but I've always felt that one specific period of my life has always cast a shadow over everything that has come after it. 

Moving on, again, this song loves to continue with it's metaphors by referencing sound because the singer has lost their vision. beating heart: not just another person, but the love of another person. The singer is wandering helplessly looking for the sound leading them to the one person. But they cannot, so they become the darkness they feel they cannot escape. 

The 2nd verse is filled with hope as the singer finds her own way back to where she belongs, perhaps she's in the darkness, perhaps forever, but she is no longer lost. it's appropriate for the song, and it fits well with the metaphors. However, as a personal opinion, I find it too idealistic, I don't know how many times I tried to find my way out of the darkness, how many maps I've drawn. In fact, every time I look at a map of myself I realize how lost I am. It reminds me of the forest dream I wrote about months ago. Not only that, but who is kidding themselves into thinking the people who hurt us the most are ever coming back to help us out of the darkness. Trust me, it doesn't happen.

Sorry, this post is getting a little cynical, gotta build some walls sometimes. Hope is important, hope is the only thing keeping everyone functioning. Once upon time I lost my hope. It never came back. I made more, but it was never the same. 

There is this one past life I once had, sometimes I think about who I would have became, how I'd feel now if that life hadn't died. The problem is that starting new is impossible, and I carry that death inside of me where ever I go. Maybe carrying death makes me stronger, maybe it constantly sabotages my present, I'm not really sure but this quote from Spike Spiegel (from Cowboy Bebop) seems appropriate: "I've been seeing the past in one eye and the present in the other. So, I thought I could only see patches of reality, never the whole picture. I feel like I am watching dream that I can never wake up from."

I say all these things because I was reminded of something that can never be put into words. No matter how many times I've tried to communicate these ideas and emotions it always comes out wrong. I cant shake this feeling of being so close to where I've always wanted to be, but never could belong. 

belong

that concept has always evaded me

But I will keep on going, that's what life is right? Even if I never fully belong I will always find a temporarily relief, just enough to keep improving.