Interesting Day

So today was the last day of my training, and just like all the other days it was boring and 99% common sense. However, I was sitting there all bored like and such, mostly feeling sorry for myself about Cassie. When I thought about all my own mistakes and so i made a list of everything i think I'm bad at (in terms of relationships). After coming up with around 10 of them I started feeling a lot better and i drew 2 pictures of scenery. The first was of a sunset with some cliffs in front and some clouds in the sky, similar to my painting. The other was of a lighthouse at night, with its single light cutting through the darkness. Both are small little pictures, but they were done completely with ONE PEN. I'm fairly impressed with myself, I think I'll cut them out and tape them to my wall. And then I named them, and wrote down some lyrics around them that i like, and also thought of different improvements I could make to the pictures and wrote them around each one. (If you haven't noticed I like to improve things)

I also thought about how I've been doing a fair bit of complaining about "deserving" someone to love and to love me (I still think i deserve it). But it occurred to me that it's just going to fail again if I go into something with the same mind frame. I have to like my life before I should have a woman because they're supposed to ENHANCE life, not make it. I should be happy and fairly content before hand or else dependencies are created, and those always lead to some kind of abuse, or needing. Either way, it robs both people of their dignity in the end, and doesn't solve anything. Our unhappiness is a symptom of us falling away from true love (God's love). And no matter how many people love us, or how many cars we get or whatever you think will make you happy, it doesn't matter. Because none of them are solving the problem, we're just trying to treat random symptoms. Which change all the time. That made we feel better, temporarily.

I still want to find someone to love, I'm just not going to be sad all the time. (I'm going to get weak every once and a while). But overall.
I KNOW that i have a great capacity for love, and that I have a lot of REALLY good qualities, I just suck at utilizing them often. But i know they are there, and that I need to tweak them a bit.

Mostly I keep getting held back because Cassie is sitting on the fence and every time she lies to me again i get caught up for a couple days, she's going to Ottawa till next Friday i think, and she hasn't said or txted anything to me since Monday. So by then i hope to be stronger, because I'm growing fast, It's just that she pulls me down so much. So hopefully, She won't say anything to me for a while so I can fix myself some more before i struggle with myself and her.