Revisted

So I just spent the last hour re-reading every post I've written, and listening to all the songs I posted. There are a couple things that I noticed this time around.

1. My spelling was garbage, so many typos and mistakes, it's embarrassing

2. I've changed so much in my outlook and how I respond to things, I'm surprised by who I've become

3. I filter my words a lot more than I think, I remember exactly how terrible those days felt, but reading them doesn't come to close to expressing the true emotions.

4. Posting song lyrics instead of writing real words was stupid. Sure I still love music and relate to it, but it's a media used to express my message, not a message in it's own right. I think I was too afraid of what people would think if I wrote my real thoughts, because I felt suicidal and destructive, and I acted on it to an extent. You'd never know that through those posts though.

Many may notice the time, and wonder if I'm drunk. I'm not, I'm just lonely and feeling a little sad. I'm not feeling like I want to. I'm not the person I thought I'd be, I think I've failed my years of attempted growth.

I'm smarter, I'm stronger, I'm more resilient, I'm calmer, I have more self-control. But I don't feel different enough. Sure all the little things have improved, but I'm not sure the important parts have. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic in a moment of weakness?

The other night's dream was obviously about Cassie if anyone didn't get that, I didn't want to say it at the time because I feel foolish that she still shows up in my dreams to hurt me. Even though I have no control over that kind of thing, I still blame myself. In fact I blame myself for a lot of things, I don't know how else to function.

Sometimes, I wish I could just purge my insides, clean out the anger, the disappointment, the blame, just cry, and feel ok with who I am and what's going on around me. That I don't need to always improve things. But I can't, this self-perpetuating pain only hardens my features, these scars remind me of the price I paid, to never forget.

Absolving the past would require making peace with it, and I don't think I can ever feel peace for what happened and who was involved. The lessons I learned cost me blood, and I'll be damned if I ever let them fade away.