Mroz's bday

So we went out to James' then to Winston's for Matt's 21st. Josh and Megan came down for the weekend and its nice to see them. For no particular reason I just wasn't feeling into hanging out in Winston's. Either go to a bar and actually party, or stay in James' and hangout and talk, going somewhere just to pay more and make it inconvenient to get home doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I guess more people showed up that wouldn't have come to James', so it makes sense, I just wouldn't have done it.

I was about to walk home just before 10 but they noticed me leaving and offered to give me a ride, which I couldn't refuse. I don't seem to enjoy large table discussions unless I'm in a good mood. When I'm feeling crappy I prefer a 1 or 2 people to talk to instead. So I caught a ride home with the first driver, Britt, which turned out better than expected.

I did a lot of talking and I was happy to have a listener for the first time in a while. And, despite the conversation not breaking through any problems, she reminded me that some questions don't have answers, and expecting or wanting them is futile. If I can manage to control my thoughts a little more I hopefully I can solve the sleeping problem.

I guess the biggest take-away was to not let my first thoughts and instincts to control anything, because mine are self-defeating. I have a choice how I react but I was allowing myself to float along.

Hopefully I take these reminders seriously and that they stick, unlike the last time I learned them.

New Layout

So I changed the title and the pictures of the Blog. I felt it was time to upgrade. I really like the staircase picture that I found, it's the perfect metaphor along with being a quality picture. Blogkillington (the old title) was nonsensical and so I came up with something a little more mature, although I can't think of something that great, Partially Whole will have to do. I think it's appropriate.

The description under the header is from the last post, I'm quite happy with it.

Anyway,

I'm starting to consistently have trouble sleeping. I've fallen into habits from previous years where I have trouble turning off my brain. I think myself in circles, mostly analysing scenarios from years ago that have no effect on me today. Worse yet, I've been re-opening wounds from before that, although I knew had never healed, I thought they had at least been cauterized. If that sentence makes sense, it does to me anyhow.

I'm not really sure how to fix it, whenever I don't have something positive to occupy my thoughts (a person) I tend to default to self-defeating ones. And I know this is treating the symptom and not the disease, but I don't know what the disease is. And frankly, this is how I've always been, and wouldn't changing this change the core of who I am?

A Good Part

This short breakdown in a song I've been listening to pretty much sums up how I feel towards myself. Although the whole song isn't that good.

This part is perfect: from 3:50-4:15

These words of mine are trite and so cliché.

Still, we find a place in everything.

It's just to break the silence that has been crushing me.

Half of me is dead, already gone.

Half is screaming everyone is wrong.

Finally asking now, will you just hear me out?

Heeerrrrreeeee's Johney

I've decided to come back and start writing again, not because I need a place to rant to or because I want people to read about me. Nor do I need a crutch to support myself. There are two main reasons (and I'm sure a bunch of reasons I'm not conscious of) for coming back.

1. Removing my thoughts from the infinity of intangibility and forcing them into a physical form, one that can be criticized and which lets me look at myself from a third person perspective. This will help me overcome any bias that I have about myself.

2. Cataloguing, I don't like to be in pictures because I'm not very photogenic but I don't want to forget any part of my past, everything I am is a linear accumulation, and if I have nothing to cue memory retrieval it becomes distorted and forgotten.

That's all I want to write right now

Can't Stop The Killer

and things never change...

Buried Beneath

Finally breaking,
So where are you now?
It's been such a long time
but I've tried to live without.
I'm suffocating, I need you to breathe.
So reach down and pull me up,
Pull me up before I am buried beneath
________________________________________
So tell me where were you
when everything fell down like thunder.
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn't get out from under.
You left me for dead inside my head,
couldn't you see I was still breathing?
Screaming, I reached for you,
I couldn't get out from under
________________________________________

You try to tell me you can heal me
but I'm still bleeding.
________________________________________
I won't forget,
I cannot forget this,
I won't forget,
I'll never forget this.
________________________________________
I've lost so much along the way
________________________________________
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours.
I find everything I lost before.
You call my name,
I come to you in pieces
so you can make me whole
________________________________________
I've come undone,
but you make sense of who I am,
like puzzles pieces in your hand.

Belated Anniversary

So I forgot to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of this blog, the first post was on April 19, 2009. Feels like just yesterday, yet also a distant fairy tale at the same time. I think I'll keep it going for a while, every month or so I like to come back here.

It's become a sort of reminder to myself of what's happened and a constant refocus to remember what is truly important in my days. And most importantly to keep my dignity and integrity through anything.