Dan stared, oblivious to the misty pellets being whipped across his face. Looking ahead but at nothing simultaneously. He thought about how utterly alone he had suddenly become. One moment he went to sleep with a partner, a companion with whom to brave the roughest seas together, the next he was awake and desolate. Dan felt filled with spacers, an empty body waiting for human parts to be put in later.
His mind bombarded him. "You're a useless piece of garbage who only spreads pain. Sarah would have been happier if she had never met you. In fact, I bet someone else would have noticed sooner, helped her sooner, she would be alive if you didn't exist. You were born into pain, you carry pain everywhere you go, and your pain becomes infectious, spreading to everyone, eroding the joy from those you love. It would be better for everyone if your existence ended. In one well swoop you can end your pain, and the all the pain you put onto others. The only reason you live is for selfishness. Your own joy. Your own satisfaction. Your own happiness. Everyone else is just an afterthought. Hurry up and die you worthless piece of shit."
The torrents of self-hate beat Dan into the ground. Falling to his knees, he surrendered to whatever further abuse his mind had in store for him.
But the angry voice had quieted and, instead, premonitions of lost futures invaded his mind. He saw Sarah, engrossed in a book, lounging around a sunny room. Dan felt the burning urge to call out to her, but hesitated, he never could bring himself to interrupt her when she was focused. He noticed her pause and look up toward him. The room blinked and Sarah was gone. Her book lay face down, spread open, the spine damaged, as if someone had intended to continue it, but never came back for it.
Then Sarah was bending over a toddler, buttoning the last button on a rain jacket. In a second she finished, and the child bolted out the door in a flash of excitement, Sarah's worn face turns back to look at him, a glowing smile growing. But her eyes, something is wrong with her eyes. Dan gasped, he was staring into the same eyes he had awoken to earlier: hollow, milky, orbs. He clutched his knees. "everything of Sarah is gone, every shred of hope for happiness has disappeared. Even the memories have been corrupted. This torment will follow me forever." But only a small whimper left his mouth.
Transfixed by her lifeless eyes, Dan rose slowly. He stared over the railing. Enthralled at the churning water. As Dan gazed the rest of his body stood at strict attention. He heard grinding, but never realized the sound came from his own teeth. Every muscle was taut. Knuckles white against the unfeeling rail. A gust of wind splashed across his face. Jolted, a voice inside Dan countered, "Is this how you honor Sarah? Through self-serving sacrifice? You may not have been perfect, but you gave her something to fight for, and hope. Continue to spread those things in her name".
Dan collapsed onto the railing, exhausted, torn between the future and the past. He cursed the water for its apathy, and wished he could feel the same. "Why can't I just let me die?" The idea of Sarah burned inside him. "Because it isn't really about you. Sarah's success now depends on how far you can carry it." With that thought Dan slumped down onto the concrete. He scrutinized the small piece of scrap paper still clutched in his fingers. His confession made in the dark.
Dan began slowly tearing those words which had held power over him for so long into meaningless pulp. As each tiny piece fluttered away tears began to stream down, falling into the rushing river, joining the deluge that flowed unending.
fin
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