Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The Coldest Heart
song time.. lyrics are in no order... just as they play in shuffe...spaces indicate different parts of the song.... where as lines indicate song changes.
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Woah I'm losing hope, there's a hole in my heart that's been cut out of stone. Woah, cold comes, cold goes. Could you fill this hole? Because I can't do it alone.
The coldest heart can be brought to life, when it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes
I've got the coldest heart
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A smarter man than me said "there's no bravery, just degrees of fear." but I fear that we're incapable
Where's the kid who went out of his way just know your name?? ( I never should have bothered) We're taking a good hard look at the bald faced crook. Too rich to last, too famous too fast.
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I don't believe that everything you've known about me is gone forever. And I won't forget the things we spent forever, it haunts me.
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In the valley of the dying sun I walk a crooked path alone. I came across a shadow of a man with an angel's breath. "Oh boy." He said to me, "I see your future. Though you long for peace, the sword is your father!"
Bathed in the powder of a thousand guns I am the king of sorrows. Watered by the tears of the innocent ones the river grows, it moves, it swells. "Son." it calls to me, "Your days are numbered, sow the seeds you will, but I am the reaper."
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
Woah I'm losing hope, there's a hole in my heart that's been cut out of stone. Woah, cold comes, cold goes. Could you fill this hole? Because I can't do it alone.
The coldest heart can be brought to life, when it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes
I've got the coldest heart
__________________________________________________________________
A smarter man than me said "there's no bravery, just degrees of fear." but I fear that we're incapable
Where's the kid who went out of his way just know your name?? ( I never should have bothered) We're taking a good hard look at the bald faced crook. Too rich to last, too famous too fast.
__________________________________________________________________
I don't believe that everything you've known about me is gone forever. And I won't forget the things we spent forever, it haunts me.
__________________________________________________________________
In the valley of the dying sun I walk a crooked path alone. I came across a shadow of a man with an angel's breath. "Oh boy." He said to me, "I see your future. Though you long for peace, the sword is your father!"
Bathed in the powder of a thousand guns I am the king of sorrows. Watered by the tears of the innocent ones the river grows, it moves, it swells. "Son." it calls to me, "Your days are numbered, sow the seeds you will, but I am the reaper."
__________________________________________________________________
Monday, March 15, 2010
Cheap Shots
I expect someone to get to know me a lot more before judging me. More then a week, more then 4 conversations. I think once I show my real self to someone, most people will like that. I know I make bad first impressions and come off too strong or strange sometimes. I try not to, I attempt at normality, I'm not normal nor do I want to be normal, but I'm not as far off as I sometimes give the impression to.
I have a strong set of values, and goals, and so much that just takes a long time to understand. I didn't develop who I am through simple ways, it's been long and complex and mostly just really shitty. And I want someone to hear the stories, to try and understand the logic, the actions, the consequences.
Some days I feel like I'm wearing thin, the cogs have been grinding, the wear and tear of this life starts to show some days
I have a strong set of values, and goals, and so much that just takes a long time to understand. I didn't develop who I am through simple ways, it's been long and complex and mostly just really shitty. And I want someone to hear the stories, to try and understand the logic, the actions, the consequences.
Some days I feel like I'm wearing thin, the cogs have been grinding, the wear and tear of this life starts to show some days
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Unnatural Selection
Hello my faithful readers, rejoice for your hallowed leader has returned. lol. I guess I'm back writing what appears to be another blog entry. Update...? bllllaaaaarrrgggghhhh. that's about all I have atm.
well I might as well get into it, luckily the ripples created from these words will not exist, so I don't really have reason to abstain, plus in the future I will enjoy rereading them myself. I feel kinda zombie like. I appear to be waiting for something, but I cannot risk making it specific, for precise goals can fail precisely, but ambiguous ones are harder to lose, so I keep mine as vague as possible and keep looking towards the "future".
Anyhow, so I feel pretty shitty day-to-day (hyphens? heck yes). Can't say I'm very surprised, it's been this way for so long that sometimes I pretend it's always been like this. Alas, I know it has not, yet I suppose that it a main cause for this mood: I once tasted joy, it's been absent for longer than I imagined possible. So long I forget the flavour, and even worse, assume I cannot taste again.
On to a more recent development:
I'm currently pathetically attempting to court a rez girl. Yet I am nearly certain she has forgotten my name by now. I have no ways to really engage her in conversation, and I cannot bring myself to approach her during a meal (the only times I am in the same room as her). So either I get lucky and see her in the hallway, in which case I would extent an invitation to conversation. Or I let this die inside of me, using a mixture of pessimism and depression to kill the hope in my soul.
I hope I run into her at some point.
well this killed a couple minutes, that's good. I am in a never ending chase to acquire the future. The irony is so rich it's nearly unbelievable. For those keeners out there, I might write again within a couple months, I like this blog and it immortalizes the present, trapping it. but I try to write either in time of ecstatic joy, or more sadness. I wouldn't bet your money on the former
well I might as well get into it, luckily the ripples created from these words will not exist, so I don't really have reason to abstain, plus in the future I will enjoy rereading them myself. I feel kinda zombie like. I appear to be waiting for something, but I cannot risk making it specific, for precise goals can fail precisely, but ambiguous ones are harder to lose, so I keep mine as vague as possible and keep looking towards the "future".
Anyhow, so I feel pretty shitty day-to-day (hyphens? heck yes). Can't say I'm very surprised, it's been this way for so long that sometimes I pretend it's always been like this. Alas, I know it has not, yet I suppose that it a main cause for this mood: I once tasted joy, it's been absent for longer than I imagined possible. So long I forget the flavour, and even worse, assume I cannot taste again.
On to a more recent development:
I'm currently pathetically attempting to court a rez girl. Yet I am nearly certain she has forgotten my name by now. I have no ways to really engage her in conversation, and I cannot bring myself to approach her during a meal (the only times I am in the same room as her). So either I get lucky and see her in the hallway, in which case I would extent an invitation to conversation. Or I let this die inside of me, using a mixture of pessimism and depression to kill the hope in my soul.
I hope I run into her at some point.
well this killed a couple minutes, that's good. I am in a never ending chase to acquire the future. The irony is so rich it's nearly unbelievable. For those keeners out there, I might write again within a couple months, I like this blog and it immortalizes the present, trapping it. but I try to write either in time of ecstatic joy, or more sadness. I wouldn't bet your money on the former
Friday, December 25, 2009
Blame it on Bad Luck
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More dreams and dreams and dreams.
1 sec... Sometimes I feel stupid for posting my reality in here. I know it's not like anyone reads it, but on the small chance that someone does, I'd feel real stupid about how absolutely insane these posts make me sound. Don't get me wrong, I'm no where near sane. I think I'm just less shitty then I seem.
anyways back to your regularly scheduled program......dreams, and more dreams about yours fucking truly. (Cassie). I don't understand what's going on. This is absolutely ridiculous, even for myself. I've done some really stupid things and made more then my share of mistakes. But this 9 month (maybe even) "obsession" is straight fucked.
What's even stranger is that I hate it. I hate where I am, how I feel. Yet I am the reason I am stuck in this prison, and me alone. Sure I had some help finding my way here, but it's not their fault. I hate fucking Cassie and wish nothing ever got started. Nothing will ever be worth this torture. I'm trying, but I can't break this.
What's even worse is that my brother isn't fucked, not one tiny little bit, talked with him for an extended period of time to find that he's happy and mentally healthy. We go through the same shit (parental terms), yet it starts me on a collision course with downtown shitville. In my opinion I did have a shittier teenage experience, (I'm just saying that to make me feel better though)
I have no idea what's going on right now, complete chaos. On the plus side of my mental state: I have an EMDR appointment set up with a psych, which hopefully is a start towards some positive change. All that therapy during the summer apparently did jack all, but this sounds like it could produce some actual results.
God help me if it doesn't, help me if it does too for that matter. I need a lot of help.
There is still one thing I love: my music.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Firefly
So I drift into finals season. Not the greatest place, but it's inevitable and really not that bad. I say drift because that's just how I live my days, floating through where ever I am.
I thought I saw cassie in a mall a couple days ago. The woman in question was identical from behind. It put me into a pretty big panic. Even after I knew it wasn't her, I still wasn't recovered.
I'm surprised by my own reaction, I expected more control over myself, but what can you do??
more later, got to run
I thought I saw cassie in a mall a couple days ago. The woman in question was identical from behind. It put me into a pretty big panic. Even after I knew it wasn't her, I still wasn't recovered.
I'm surprised by my own reaction, I expected more control over myself, but what can you do??
more later, got to run
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