Plans & Reveries

I spend a lot of time on campus these days starting and finishing term papers in the solitude (hopefully) of the arts computer lab. And again, here I am, another day looking over research to play the games of university, grades over intelligence, repetition over analysis, regurgitation over creation. Though it does push me to adapt and play by others' rules, and "everyone" knows how much I hate doing that.
Anyways, I'm writing a paper on the negativity bias (the tendency for adults to be more affected by negative information than positive) and there are a lot of interesting things regarding behavior that I hadn't thought about in this manner. For example, one of the findings is that negative memories are told with regard to introspection and a focus on emotion while positive memories are told with more attention to events. It's obvious, it's common sense, and yet I hadn't fully considered the fluid role of memory in regard to our emotions.

Building upon the notions of memory, young children have great memories, 3 year olds will remember with vivid detail the events of vacations and pain for occurrences for months and years. Yet, other than a few distinct instances (some of which are false memories constructed to fit our present 'self', for further reading start with Adler) these memories fade and blur. It's almost like our conscious lives as children is completely foreign to our current conscious state. Like that time spent as kids was an entirely different life, a life that left a great deal of residue in the present, but that is separate, untouchable, nearly alien.

Each brick becomes a permanent part of that structure we call our 'self', but how much of reality of the brick matters? is the core of the event what matters, the "material" of the brick. Or does the sloppy paint job we've thrown over it matter more? Does the metaphorical brick become cement if painted that way?

On an unrelated note, go watch Jacob's Ladder immediately, it's a psychological horror film made in the early 90s, it uses zero post production effects, once you have, come talk to me about it.

Chasing Kaleidoscope Dreams

So I was driving back from Banff starting at 4:30am after a number of sleep deprived nights and I was listening to a high school CD and I came across a band that I had forgotten about a couple years ago: Motion City Soundtrack.

What a beautiful emo band- 2 songs stick out as my favourites from the time

L.G. Fuad- I was always attracted to this song, (who wasn't as a teen?). But I think in hindsight it is even more relevant than I first thought. Especially during my 18th year of living.

When You're Around- (acoustic version) This song went hand in hand with LG Fuad (in discovery), though it isn't as recklessly self-destructive as the last. In retrospect I think it marks my 19th year pretty well. I'm not really a fan of the original version though.


B-B-B-BONUS TRACK

The Future Freaks Me Out
Because this song is way too damn classic from my neck of the woods

Shout-out to Ross for introducing me to this band an odd 10 years ago (though he doesn't know this blog exist)
According to Wikipedia this marks the Tin/Aluminum anniversary (That is, if I had married the band on the first date)

Gotta Knock A Little Harder

I was reading TheLastPsychiatrist at work today and I came across a perfect paragraph:

"Words are always and forever beautiful lies, the enemies of logic, when you hear them you should run away, seal your ears with wax or drown them out with a lyre's song, lest you be seduced to your death;  they don't tempt your body, they tempt your spirit, and no one can resist them." -TLP

There are two sides to why I love this quote so much, first is because of the poetry, not necessarily flow, but it expresses this over-the-top romantic idealism of Shakespeare. Referencing things like "lyres", using words like "lest, seal, wax" or metaphors "enemies of logic". But it is the culmination of all these elements which is perfected by the exaggeration: "forever beautiful lies". It's so meaningless. It's the type of line I'd find in a grade 9 kid's bad poetry book. I love "meaningful" things, but I can still laugh at them even if I completely understand them, I'm not insulting doing dramatic emotional expression, hell, I did that. But in retrospect I still can laugh at my, sometimes, overly-dramatic teenage emotions.

And yet, it also conveys a philosophical truth about communication. Words are symbols used to express concrete objects or abstract ideas. But because everyone person has a slightly different connotation to every word, especially for abstract ideas like emotions that require introspection. But, I think everyone knows that feeling of ambiguity about our own feelings or opinions. Our understanding of our self is flawed, and then we try to put that flawed understanding into words, and these words are interpreted by another person who has different heuristics. And then bang, not a single word is true, it's just impossible. But we believe we have the truth, and yet we are ignorant of our ignorance: the worst blockage to growth. For the person cannot grow if they do not recognize a weakness. They are all forever lies. Beautiful if we let them bring us joy, which they do. 

It's both a ridiculous exaggeration while remaining a fundamental 'truth' about communication. Efficient and intelligent. Perfect.

edit: 100th post. 

No Dawn, No Day, I'm Always In This Twilight

Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love

A falling star fell from you heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore though them and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat 
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped and I was in the darkness 
So darkness I became 

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out 
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart.

I don't even know where to start right now. Obviously there is a song posted right above, it's not brand new but it is quality, and charged with so much emotion. The pounding drums simulating the pounding heart communicate the perfect desperation for how I feel now. There is so much I want to say about this song, so I'll start with the beginning.

The introduction is perfect, it starts off sounding so romantic "a falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes". Oh, I get it, the singer is in love. wait, what's that? "I screamed aloud, as it tore through them and now it's left me blind". I love the extended metaphor about vision. The eyes have always been associated with knowledge, fore sight. The classic example is Prometheus from Greek mythology (no, not the alien prequel). So not only does this song play on the classic cliche that "love is blind" but it connects the two symbols together by bringing up the stars and moon.

At first it seems like an extension of the blindness, but these cosmic bodies symbolize the singer's future dreams. It's brilliant, the singer loses their sight (aka fore-sight) and thus can no longer see what her future will be. All expressed in 4 lines. Brilliant.

Continuing with the chorus, the reference to times of day is hopefully pretty obvious (a "new day" never comes, aka she is stuck in the "twilight": sadness, ambiguity). Although I believe in the individual responsibility of each person, I love how the singer says "left me in the dark" rather than a more accusing or angry response, it seems factual, not angry, or resentful, but the simple truth: I am in the darkness now, and you left me there to suffer. It's not your duty to help me out, but your heart casts a shadow over my existence.

I don't know about anyone else, but I've always felt that one specific period of my life has always cast a shadow over everything that has come after it. 

Moving on, again, this song loves to continue with it's metaphors by referencing sound because the singer has lost their vision. beating heart: not just another person, but the love of another person. The singer is wandering helplessly looking for the sound leading them to the one person. But they cannot, so they become the darkness they feel they cannot escape. 

The 2nd verse is filled with hope as the singer finds her own way back to where she belongs, perhaps she's in the darkness, perhaps forever, but she is no longer lost. it's appropriate for the song, and it fits well with the metaphors. However, as a personal opinion, I find it too idealistic, I don't know how many times I tried to find my way out of the darkness, how many maps I've drawn. In fact, every time I look at a map of myself I realize how lost I am. It reminds me of the forest dream I wrote about months ago. Not only that, but who is kidding themselves into thinking the people who hurt us the most are ever coming back to help us out of the darkness. Trust me, it doesn't happen.

Sorry, this post is getting a little cynical, gotta build some walls sometimes. Hope is important, hope is the only thing keeping everyone functioning. Once upon time I lost my hope. It never came back. I made more, but it was never the same. 

There is this one past life I once had, sometimes I think about who I would have became, how I'd feel now if that life hadn't died. The problem is that starting new is impossible, and I carry that death inside of me where ever I go. Maybe carrying death makes me stronger, maybe it constantly sabotages my present, I'm not really sure but this quote from Spike Spiegel (from Cowboy Bebop) seems appropriate: "I've been seeing the past in one eye and the present in the other. So, I thought I could only see patches of reality, never the whole picture. I feel like I am watching dream that I can never wake up from."

I say all these things because I was reminded of something that can never be put into words. No matter how many times I've tried to communicate these ideas and emotions it always comes out wrong. I cant shake this feeling of being so close to where I've always wanted to be, but never could belong. 

belong

that concept has always evaded me

But I will keep on going, that's what life is right? Even if I never fully belong I will always find a temporarily relief, just enough to keep improving.

The Words Have Gone, But The Meaning Will Never Disappear

So I haven't been writing frequently, which is good. I'm back because of a song, well, poem really. I want to remember this poem in the future when I look back here. The song is called Lovers' Carvings and I love how the lack of punctuation allows for different readings ever so slightly, and I love how the poem manages to communicate such universal feelings of love and loss without overwhelming one side (aka it was neither depressing nor cheesy).

Lovers' Carvings
Lovers' names, carved in walls
Overlap, start to merge
Some of them underneath
Maybe they appear
In graveyards
Maybe they fade away
Weathered and overgrown
Time has told
Meaningful hidden words
Suddenly appear from the murk
Maybe they're telling us
That the end
Never was
Never will
The words have gone
But the meaning will never disappear
From the wall

It's a good chill song too - Lovers' Carvings- Bibio

But I prefer this remix, it's similar - Lovers' Carvings - Bibio (Bruno Be & Eddie M Remix)

I absolutely love the lines "The words have gone / But the meaning will never disappear". I have been reading a lot about psychology, psychiatry, and applicable medicine (SSRIs, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers  etc.), and the one thing that constantly trumps medication is choice, not just an immediate choice, but habits, thought patterns. What we think about, how we think, what media we consume, who we interact with, our "identity" comes down to what we do. Research has shown that even the briefest glance at a picture will prime for a future association (about 93% in one study). This means that if we constantly occupy our time with thoughts and media of anger, resentment, fear, then these will prime our future interpretations of events which effects our behavior, what we consume and think change how we act. and you get to to choose what you dwell on.

This applies to the line because the majority of our thoughts, our actions, who we spend time with, who we've loved, who has hurt us, nearly everything, ever, becomes a part of our identity, but we get to choose how. Do you dwell on the pain? do you focus on growth and trust or harbor doubt and fear?

what it should say is:
The words have gone, but their meaning to us will never disappear

(it shouldn't actually say this, it would ruin the poetry, but for the point I'm trying to make it should)

Curbside Goodbye

I suppose it's time to once again blow the dust off this blog and use it to immortalize how shitty I feel. I understand that I've already filled pages upon pages with rants and frustrations. I know how futile this, but for some reason I am compelled to write more. I woke up this morning with an overarching feeling of uselessness. As if everything I strive for and everything that is important to me is merely the ravings of a lunatic.

Obviously, I wouldn't be writing unless I felt depressed, that's the purpose of this ol' blog. However, this time, I have nothing to reflect upon, nothing to improve. Spoiler alert: I got dumped. Summary: my personality is so shitty that anything short of a complete overhaul of my identity would have been futile. I didn't make any giant mistake, I JUST AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER. Everything she liked about me in the beginning are the reasons she didn't want to be with me anymore. And if there is a way to insult a person more than by saying you hate everything about their personality, someone post it in the comments. HAHA, the joke's on me, no one reads this or comments.

"Good", as I understand, is subjective and it's equally useless to try and live up to some criteria where all of a sudden your life magically changes. And, I understand that qualities in people are not polarized nor are they "correct". People have preferences about what they want in another person. Of course there are commonalities that are cited often (funny, smart, honest, blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah). But once again, even though people use the same word, everyone has a unique definition for what they mean when it's used.

For me, this is extremely frustrating because apparently I just fucking suck. And this isn't the first person to not want to date me because apparently my personality is garbage, and they both explicitly said it. I'm not sure why so much of my happiness and stability relies on woman. I've mentioned this before, but not that they do anything for me, just being in a relationship makes me more confident and happier about everything, always. Even when I purposefully was single I just felt like garbage all the time.

My relationships constantly end in disaster and it's my fault because I choose them and because I bring my own problems too. I don't hate myself, but when I date people different from me they hate me, and if I met someone who was like myself, I'd probably hate them.

I don't know if that last part is true. Actually, I don't know if any of this is true.

Fuck, this year turned around so quickly, such a happy start, looked promising. Goddamn I'm a miserable bastard.

so I learnt from you

Some days I forget how much most people don't like me, and then I become sad.