Smoke and Mirrors

I don't like the fact that people refuse to understand themselves. They listen to whatever nonconscious influences they have developed without knowing where they came from or what function they have.

Some people get distant when confronted with conflict, others get emotional, or fearful, or abusive. All these behaviors are adaptive and do not represent reality, but merely the defense mechanisms they learned to use. Yet, people treat them as truth. This becomes particularly frustrating when people tell you what they think is truth, and they're not lying per se. But, because they don't understand themselves, they don't know that they have been lying until someone has already been devastated, be it someone who cares for them or themselves.

I am guilty of this before and I am dearly sorry for any and all pain that I have caused others. I have always worked diligently to know myself, I may not have been successful, but I did the best I can.

I have this sinking feeling that this concept is going to end up hurting me very much soon. I want to believe people, and I do, so when the truth surprises both parties I take the fall harder because I trust completely, essentially gambling. The worst part is that I'm probably creating problems that never used to exist. My insecurities are my self-destruction.

I may not be that different from other people, but I think I know what I don't know, which is a lot more than most people can say. Hopefully, it brings me closer to the truth (whatever that means). I'm just a chauffeur and a tag-along, and I guess that would be okay if other people acknowledged it. But they tell me lies of grandeur, and I don't appreciate my hopes being crushed, because I believe their siren songs, at least for a little while.

I might not understand all that I say, but I know that I mean it.

Trying to Find a Balance

In the days of kings and queens I was a jester,
treat me like a god, oh they treat me like a leper.
-Slug

I don't necessarily feel this way 100%, the intensity of the song really attracts me to it.

101 Dalmations

So this is the One hundred and first post, which I didn't realize last post. I guess that is in itself a cause to celebrate. I am surprised and happy that it has endured this long, but this is not the cause for my writing now.

I started dating lindsay a little more than a week ago (common knowledge) and it's going great. However, we were talking about our past shittiness and she felt that I had too many painful experiences with women. Not that I was super messed up or anything, just surprised at the volume. We kept talking and we (or I) came to the conclusion that I give everyone the benefit of the doubt at a detriment to my own emotional state. She was surprised by my vulnerability and said that, essentially, I had gotten hurt through my own choices and attitudes, that I should have adapted to prevent them.

She's right, but I like to pretend that this is caused by my unwavering commitment to providing everyone with the benefit of the doubt. This is probably not true, but it's what I tell myself, so it is true to me. I know it has shaped who I am today, for good or for bad. I do not regret my decisions, I am only trying to understand them, peace.

edit: 101st draft. not actually post. Woops.

Regulation

So I'll start off this post by supplying a little back story to the last couple weeks. My average dropped by around 6 percent for the semester because I fucked up a couple assignments after working moderately hard the rest of the semester. So I've been somewhat frustrated with myself. Then with Christmas coming, I left my shopping until the last couple days which didn't help. My dad arrived late on the 27th and being around him and Diane takes more effort than normal. then on top of that, I picked up a sore throat, managed to overcome that quickly though.


So I've been stressed and tired for the last couple weeks and hopefully I've provided enough context to account for the last post. I swear I'm not as crazy as these posts, I usually only feel motivated to write when I'm upset, thus, if someone only read this blog they would probably avoid me.

Continuing on, I changed paces by having one fantastic New Years Eve. Unfortunately I wasn't allowed the day after to recover (which I needed) and spent more time with my dad. finally arrived at home with adequate time to sleep, when all of a sudden I find myself unable to switch off. I lay in bed thinking for hours and even with a little sleep incentive (pills) I still awoke many times during the night. I was not even stressed, my thoughts were about trivial moments.

I've always had a rather intense aspect when getting started with women and generally come on too strong. This has seen a fair amount of disaster because by the time I level out to my usual self they think I'm bat-shit crazy and peace out. This area of my life has always been a weak spot that I try to regulate. It's bad for my own emotions (highs and lows) and prevents relationships (friend or romantic) from growing.

This is particularly disappointing to me because I strongly believe that everyone deserves a fair opportunity before judgement is passed. Back to the present, despite my stress and fatigue I feel that I am doing much better than previous encounters and am excited about this new development. I feel quite hopeful about it, but need to remain cautious.

Josh is leaving to Calgary tomorrow and his going away is tonight at O'Shea's. Hopefully I will be able to sleep after that. Sleep deprivation is terrible to a person's mental health and I don't want to come off as needy, or crazy, or undesirable simply because of stress and lack of sleep.

I will leave off with a part of a song that is similar to my current feelings
The Cave - Mumford & Sons
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Gone too Far to Turn it Back

I've come to hate reality. The truth did not unlock my shackles but instead mutilated the bindings. Understanding how people interact and, thus, how I interact, has put another reason for why I can blame myself. I know other's mental weaknesses, I know that they are controlled by their desires, biological tendencies, heuristics. I see the confirmation bias every second, yet I do not exploit this knowledge. Rather, I watch myself become stuck in the same ruts I've always been in while others fall prey to their bias (natural, cultural, biological, or whatever it may be).

I convince myself that my values are different from the standard weaknesses and biological tendencies. That one must become aware of their weaknesses so that they can overcome them, and then maybe they will see the value that I have (or think I have). I know that I can't say I'm 'better' than anyone else because everything is subjective. But I desperately want someone to have the same subjective values that I hold.

Yet I am weak, especially now, and would settle for any such comfort, no matter how temporary or fake. In the end, deception is not the determinant for right or wrong, contentment, empathy, helpfulness, charisma, leadership, intelligence. All these traits are valued, but whether they are honest is never questioned by others, nor does it matter to ourselves. People do not care if they have 'the best' girlfriend, or job, or anything, as long as they feel as if they do, they do. Subjective truth is the foundation of human psychology.

And now that I know this truth, I can never go back to before. Subjectively I would be wrong, willingly ignorant, something I refuse to be. Thus, everyone else can find contentment in their lies, but I have lost that ability.

Some days I miss being depressed and suicidal, it had more answers than disappointment. But just like before, subjectively, I can't go back anymore. I conquered self-destruction to become trapped in nihilism.

The Death of One Man is a Tragedy, the Death of Millions is a Statistic

So I just finished watching another Hollywood violence filled adrenaline pumping blockbuster and it got me thinking about how impersonal everyone has become (or naturally is). The film began with prisoners being let out of their cells and beating guards. However, it only showed above their torsos as they wailed on him, all the while a main character jokes from a distance.

I realized how many times I've seen some scene like this where people perpetrate insane brutality while breezing over the consequences. That guard would probably die from having his face beat into a pulp, yet the movie kept rolling without ever stopping to think about this man's well-being, let alone his pain, or dreams, or family, or all those things we like to pretend 'bad guys' don't have.

I'm not surprised by this movie as it's a known psychological phenomena that people of 'out-groups' are perceived as carbon copied sub-humans. However, the problem arises when any other person can be placed into an out-group at will. Culture classifies people into race, nationality, language, accent, religion, class, job...... all the way down to hair colour (think 'gingers').

Don't get me wrong, most of the time people don't classify everyone else and beat them horrendously, but the problem arises because we can if we want to. If we need to dehumanize other people to maintain our own self-worth we will. People have been accustomed to dividing everything into polar opposites when the stakes get high (right/wrong, ally/enemy)

These habits of dehumanization and polarization become apparent when people start to get hurt, namely in relationships. I've been on the receiving end of this method before, when people fight or things no longer are going as well as before people stop treating people with the basic dignity they deserve. Yet, ask the perpetrators how they feel and usually (not always) their hurtful actions make them dislike the person they hurt even more. Person A (the perpetrator) has two options, either they themselves are terrible people or person B deserves it. Thus, they choose the second option and feel great about themselves while hating person B even more, causing a self-inducing destructive cycle.

This is where these classifications come in, if we can easily turn anyone into a member of an out-group then the slowly escalating cycle of hate begins. Now I will link this into the digital age of impersonal communication. Take a look at any forum to see how faceless individuals treat each other. Things like ignoring texts, or phone calls has become socially acceptable (if slightly frowned upon), ignoring others' dignity has become a matter of convenience. Slowly we are beginning to classify everyone else as faceless and inhuman whenever the need arises.

And it scares the living shit out of me.

Ain't That A Bitch

I guess the most important and pertinent thing I've learned in a long time is the affect of illusions on mental stability. Particularly, the fact that illusions (specifically relational) ones increase mental stability. This was not only shocking, but completely personality changing because I always strived for the marriage of truth and happiness.

I always assumed if I found ultimate truth I would find happiness as well. However, I have learned that truth is different. Finding complete and absolute truth IS NOT happiness. "Happy" belongs to self-deception and LIES. Truth is misery, truth is uncomfortable.

People need to lie to themselves, people need to pretend that falseness is truth or else we cannot exist in an ideal situation.

Now I know why truth never brought me happiness. I was never meant to be happy, I was meant to be honest. Woe to me. I've begun to think that maybe I could live my life alone. After reading these studies I'm positive that I can, even if I don't want to. I can accept the truth, even if I hate it.