So Dawn Goes Down To Day

A very intelligent poet, Robert Frost, wrote a succinct but poignant poem called "Nothing Gold Can Stay". In 8 short lines he summed up the essence of being human. 

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to lead,

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day

Nothing gold can stay.

I've been dwelling on all the contradictions of life, the necessities that "life" (within the  Canadian middle class) has thrust upon me. The cliche garbage about social status, life accomplishments, the unspoken metrics of "satisfaction". How they require me to abandon questions in lieu of heuristical answers, soundbites. Classification overtakes exploration. But what is worth it? What is value? I don't know. Maybe nothing is. Maybe I don't want there to be answers. Perhaps I prefer the freedom to be nihilistic. That the ability to shoot down ideology safeguards my narcissistic individualism. 

But maybe I find that any answer inherently and unfairly excludes groups of people in favour of personal self-justification. I have a suspicion that every answer, including the rejection of an answer, is merely a rationalization of a worldview synthesized through self-preservation. There is so much grief in this world that even the thought of focusing on my own life feels like pure, unbridled, insanity. While psychology pushes people back into cultural conformity, into a hierarchical worldview that exists to justify the greed of the few. The greed of us. 

Maybe the fact that nothing gold can stay is a savior. Saving us from having to stare unblinkingly at what we really are. 

Regardless, there is a fantastic song inspired by Robert Frost that fleshes out some of his themes.

Stay Gold- First Aid Kit  It's worth listening to. 

Tighten Up

"....little black submarines. Operator, please, put me back on the line.... told my girl I'd be back. Operator... Please, this is wrecking my mind."

      Dan gripped the receiver tighter, but all the desire in his head couldn't will a sound to emit from the other end of the line. Silence, no proof if his message had been heard, but the words needed to be cried out regardless of whether anyone listened or cared.

"Oh can it be? The voices calling me get lost and out of time. Operator please."

      But only the echoes of his desperation existed to provide solace in the unfamiliar phone booth.

"Call me back, when it's time. Stolen friends! And disease! Operator, please... Patch me back to my mind."

      The strangeness in his own voice made him pause, his thoughts were fuzzy. Dan leaned back on the glass, sliding down to a crouched position. In one hand, a pure black phone receiver, in the other, his sweating brow. He struggled to remember how he had gotten there and who he was crying out to on the other line. All he knew was the urgency.

"Treasure maps! Fallen trees! Operator please. Call me back when it's time."

      The silence overcame him, and his limbs went limp as the receiver fell from his hand. The device clattered as it swung into the glass, providing the only answer to the multitude of questions. Dan arose and replaced the receiver in its cradle, a quarter clinked into the change return slot. The metallic sound lingered in the stillness.

      He picked up the phone once again, placed the quarter in its home, and pressed 0. The machine clinked, but nothing altered the black, dead, receiver. He spoke anyway, bargaining with nothing.

"You know me. I had plans... but... they just disappeared to the back of my mind. Operator... please... The voices calling me, I...." He paused. "They get lost and out... I, I... can't remember."

      Dan's concern escalated as he listened to what he was saying. Although it had always been this way, verbalizing it brought him panic. He had no reason to believe that someone, if not something, could hear him. But Dan did believe, because the only other option was too difficult to imagine, so he pushed it from his mind.

End of part 1.

      I'm procrastinating on campus as per usual and I decided to write a short story (it's not over) because of a song. One of my favourite part of lyrics is the lack of punctuation, merely putting in commas and periods can completely alter the meaning of the words. So I decided to mess around with lyrics but in a narrative structure. I'm not sure where this will go or when I decide to continue it. But I hope it caught your attention and was intriguing. Here's the song by the way.
Little Black Submarines- The Black Keys

Chasing Kaleidoscope Dreams

So I was driving back from Banff starting at 4:30am after a number of sleep deprived nights and I was listening to a high school CD and I came across a band that I had forgotten about a couple years ago: Motion City Soundtrack.

What a beautiful emo band- 2 songs stick out as my favourites from the time

L.G. Fuad- I was always attracted to this song, (who wasn't as a teen?). But I think in hindsight it is even more relevant than I first thought. Especially during my 18th year of living.

When You're Around- (acoustic version) This song went hand in hand with LG Fuad (in discovery), though it isn't as recklessly self-destructive as the last. In retrospect I think it marks my 19th year pretty well. I'm not really a fan of the original version though.


B-B-B-BONUS TRACK

The Future Freaks Me Out
Because this song is way too damn classic from my neck of the woods

Shout-out to Ross for introducing me to this band an odd 10 years ago (though he doesn't know this blog exist)
According to Wikipedia this marks the Tin/Aluminum anniversary (That is, if I had married the band on the first date)

Gotta Knock A Little Harder

I was reading TheLastPsychiatrist at work today and I came across a perfect paragraph:

"Words are always and forever beautiful lies, the enemies of logic, when you hear them you should run away, seal your ears with wax or drown them out with a lyre's song, lest you be seduced to your death;  they don't tempt your body, they tempt your spirit, and no one can resist them." -TLP

There are two sides to why I love this quote so much, first is because of the poetry, not necessarily flow, but it expresses this over-the-top romantic idealism of Shakespeare. Referencing things like "lyres", using words like "lest, seal, wax" or metaphors "enemies of logic". But it is the culmination of all these elements which is perfected by the exaggeration: "forever beautiful lies". It's so meaningless. It's the type of line I'd find in a grade 9 kid's bad poetry book. I love "meaningful" things, but I can still laugh at them even if I completely understand them, I'm not insulting doing dramatic emotional expression, hell, I did that. But in retrospect I still can laugh at my, sometimes, overly-dramatic teenage emotions.

And yet, it also conveys a philosophical truth about communication. Words are symbols used to express concrete objects or abstract ideas. But because everyone person has a slightly different connotation to every word, especially for abstract ideas like emotions that require introspection. But, I think everyone knows that feeling of ambiguity about our own feelings or opinions. Our understanding of our self is flawed, and then we try to put that flawed understanding into words, and these words are interpreted by another person who has different heuristics. And then bang, not a single word is true, it's just impossible. But we believe we have the truth, and yet we are ignorant of our ignorance: the worst blockage to growth. For the person cannot grow if they do not recognize a weakness. They are all forever lies. Beautiful if we let them bring us joy, which they do. 

It's both a ridiculous exaggeration while remaining a fundamental 'truth' about communication. Efficient and intelligent. Perfect.

edit: 100th post. 

The Words Have Gone, But The Meaning Will Never Disappear

So I haven't been writing frequently, which is good. I'm back because of a song, well, poem really. I want to remember this poem in the future when I look back here. The song is called Lovers' Carvings and I love how the lack of punctuation allows for different readings ever so slightly, and I love how the poem manages to communicate such universal feelings of love and loss without overwhelming one side (aka it was neither depressing nor cheesy).

Lovers' Carvings
Lovers' names, carved in walls
Overlap, start to merge
Some of them underneath
Maybe they appear
In graveyards
Maybe they fade away
Weathered and overgrown
Time has told
Meaningful hidden words
Suddenly appear from the murk
Maybe they're telling us
That the end
Never was
Never will
The words have gone
But the meaning will never disappear
From the wall

It's a good chill song too - Lovers' Carvings- Bibio

But I prefer this remix, it's similar - Lovers' Carvings - Bibio (Bruno Be & Eddie M Remix)

I absolutely love the lines "The words have gone / But the meaning will never disappear". I have been reading a lot about psychology, psychiatry, and applicable medicine (SSRIs, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers  etc.), and the one thing that constantly trumps medication is choice, not just an immediate choice, but habits, thought patterns. What we think about, how we think, what media we consume, who we interact with, our "identity" comes down to what we do. Research has shown that even the briefest glance at a picture will prime for a future association (about 93% in one study). This means that if we constantly occupy our time with thoughts and media of anger, resentment, fear, then these will prime our future interpretations of events which effects our behavior, what we consume and think change how we act. and you get to to choose what you dwell on.

This applies to the line because the majority of our thoughts, our actions, who we spend time with, who we've loved, who has hurt us, nearly everything, ever, becomes a part of our identity, but we get to choose how. Do you dwell on the pain? do you focus on growth and trust or harbor doubt and fear?

what it should say is:
The words have gone, but their meaning to us will never disappear

(it shouldn't actually say this, it would ruin the poetry, but for the point I'm trying to make it should)

Trying to Find a Balance

In the days of kings and queens I was a jester,
treat me like a god, oh they treat me like a leper.
-Slug

I don't necessarily feel this way 100%, the intensity of the song really attracts me to it.

Field of Daggers

Woe to the King of Nothing.

I see a clean blood running! Brothers of sorrow,

Here is your kingdom coming.

Bring life to tired hopes, buried in fields of flowers.

Bring many sons of battle to glory.

A Good Part

This short breakdown in a song I've been listening to pretty much sums up how I feel towards myself. Although the whole song isn't that good.

This part is perfect: from 3:50-4:15

These words of mine are trite and so cliché.

Still, we find a place in everything.

It's just to break the silence that has been crushing me.

Half of me is dead, already gone.

Half is screaming everyone is wrong.

Finally asking now, will you just hear me out?

Broken mess

The Classic Crime- Broken Mess
He can't sleep, he can't eat
He keeps thinking about her behind the locked door of her bedroom
As she knowingly tortures the shell that is left of her bridegroom
And what did he do to deserve
This whore of a wife who parades her disgrace to his face now
When he loved her and gave up his life in more ways than she knows how
And all I can say is that

Love is a terrible art, it’s a hook in the heart
That can drag you on broken glass
And as you protest the shards in your flesh
The hook tears out your chest until you’re just a broken mess

Where is God in this rot?
Depraved she commits the most heinous of sins and breaks her vows
But he loves her despite all the crimes she devises in his house
Where is God? I’ve been taught
That He’s close to the broken, it's true I have spoken with Him some
When I look in my brother's eyes I can see where his love comes from
And all he can say is that

Love is a terrible art, it’s a hook in the heart
That can drag you on broken glass
And as you protest the shards in your flesh
The hook tears out your chest until you’re just a broken mess

But he has mercy on her lover and does not bleed him dry
A credit to his self control, if it were me that monster would probably die

Love is a beautiful thing, she can make your heart sing
When you’re walking on broken glass
She will open your eyes, make your heart feel alive
Point you toward the sunrise
Help you leave all this broken mess behind

Love is a beautiful thing
Will you leave this broken mess behind?

Forever starts TODAY

RED-Forever
I try to run, I try to hide from a voice that couldn't satisfy
That was me, always needing more
But letting go of all I had before
Cause it feels like the end
A wound that I can't mend
I just can't fight any longer

You waited 'til I sobered
You came when You knew that the game was over
I didn't even want to be found

But you chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever
Forever

I ignored the signs, opened every door
But I couldn't find what I searched for
I try to fight but I turn and run
Every move I make is the wrong one
You patiently wait for my next mistake
I know it won't be much longer

You waited 'til I sobered
You came when You knew that the game was over
I didn't even want to be found

But you chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever

You gave me so much more
Than I could ever ask for
But I turned and followed
A road the left me hollow
And still you waited for me to come back home
You brought me home...

You chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever
Forever

Another Thursday

Midway State- Never again
Hey, you surround me like a blanket in my bed,
The look in your eyes has stayed inside me,
In my head,
Outside its snowing its odd for this time of year,
You're light through the darkness,
Getting smaller oh I fear,

[Chorus]
Love love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh i wonder,
It's a long long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?G

Hey you’re my weakness,
Still my lover in my mind,
And you still control me,
Summer I put you so high,
Hey did you forget you could never get enough,
Well I’ll always love you,
No matter how far you run,

[Chorus]
Love, love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh I wonder,
It's a long, long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?

There is a lover down inside all of our gates that we cant protect, forever cause,
He’s sucking at the air from our lips,
I felt him tremble when I first picked you up driving honey,
We drove for hours I remember when I first let him kiss,
You and your mouth the taste of love if filled me up to the tips,

I couldn't sleep for weeks,
fevered at one hundred and six,
You surround me like a blanket in my bed,

[Chorus;; X2]
Love, love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh I wonder,
It's a long, long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?

NOTHING and everything

RED-Nothing and Everything
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Broken truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again

What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

I'm still the same, pursuing pain
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)

It's breaking me
It's breaking me

I'm falling apart
I'm falling apart

Another Day

Another day is done, I'm trying to make the days go by as fast as possible. I'm not sure I know when or where i want to be, but it's anywhere but here. I don't have much to say, it's all inside and it's all stuff that needs to just fade away. But I will leave off with a song.

RED- Overtake You
Time
It's eating me alive
Unable to rewind
Sink deeper while I'm climbing
Never to arrive

I gave you everything
But still you need to feed
And underneath it all I'm screaming out

Just carry on
Just prove me wrong
I know that I'm dying right now
And it seems that I'm so far gone
But not for long
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now I will overtake you

Just one that you can use
One risk but you can't lose
Play the victim while abusing
Anyone you choose

Painful consequence
Of standing on your lies
I'm barely breathing but I'm screaming out

Just carry on
Just prove me wrong
I know that I'm dying right now
And it seems that I'm so far gone
But not for long
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now I will overtake you

The song that hits me the hardest

Lately, as most of you (aka myself) know I have been struggling with different feelings and people over different questions, mostly "why". I've been listening alot to a new band. recommended by mroz (ty). RED- most of the songs are easily spun in some way that i could use them in my life, the choruses are excellent, the versus are mediocre, the lead singer is awesome and the use of strings adds character and emotion to a rather typical sound...however, I digress. one perticular song hits home with me everytime i listen to it, it brings back strong memories of sadness and constantly asking "why". I say this song hits me the hardest because one morning when i was listening to it before work i was overwhelmed by the lies that were affecting me, that i had believed, that i couldn't get over. My thoughts were immedietely flooded and i just cried and sang and screamed.
"Out From Under" -RED

Knocked off my feet
The earth moved beneath
The edge of a dream and a nightmare

Open the door
Fell through the floor
Slipped through the cracks into nowhere

So tell me where were you?
When everything fell down like thunder
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn't get out from under

I took the fall
I took it all
My smile's just an illusion

Cut me, I bleed
Reveal me, I need
I finally broke in the pressure

So tell me where were you?
When everything fell down like thunder
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn't get out from under

Left me for dead inside my head
Couldn't you see that I was still breathing?
Screaming, I reached for you
I couldn't get out from under

Where were you?
I reached for you
The pressure broke me down

Where were you?
I reached for you
The pressure broke me

Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
I reached for you

PRESSURE