Blame it on Bad Luck

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More dreams and dreams and dreams.

1 sec... Sometimes I feel stupid for posting my reality in here. I know it's not like anyone reads it, but on the small chance that someone does, I'd feel real stupid about how absolutely insane these posts make me sound. Don't get me wrong, I'm no where near sane. I think I'm just less shitty then I seem.

anyways back to your regularly scheduled program......dreams, and more dreams about yours fucking truly. (Cassie). I don't understand what's going on. This is absolutely ridiculous, even for myself. I've done some really stupid things and made more then my share of mistakes. But this 9 month (maybe even) "obsession" is straight fucked.

What's even stranger is that I hate it. I hate where I am, how I feel. Yet I am the reason I am stuck in this prison, and me alone. Sure I had some help finding my way here, but it's not their fault. I hate fucking Cassie and wish nothing ever got started. Nothing will ever be worth this torture. I'm trying, but I can't break this.

What's even worse is that my brother isn't fucked, not one tiny little bit, talked with him for an extended period of time to find that he's happy and mentally healthy. We go through the same shit (parental terms), yet it starts me on a collision course with downtown shitville. In my opinion I did have a shittier teenage experience, (I'm just saying that to make me feel better though)

I have no idea what's going on right now, complete chaos. On the plus side of my mental state: I have an EMDR appointment set up with a psych, which hopefully is a start towards some positive change. All that therapy during the summer apparently did jack all, but this sounds like it could produce some actual results.

God help me if it doesn't, help me if it does too for that matter. I need a lot of help.

There is still one thing I love: my music.

Firefly

So I drift into finals season. Not the greatest place, but it's inevitable and really not that bad. I say drift because that's just how I live my days, floating through where ever I am.

I thought I saw cassie in a mall a couple days ago. The woman in question was identical from behind. It put me into a pretty big panic. Even after I knew it wasn't her, I still wasn't recovered.

I'm surprised by my own reaction, I expected more control over myself, but what can you do??

more later, got to run

rant rant rant rant rant

So I guess I'm here writing again, well this is kind of awkward to say the least...

I mean I haven't really been very faithful to the blog, and it's comparable to that friend you only talk to on rare occasions, and they think you're using them. But you're not, because when the shit goes down they're the only person you call, even if you don't see them very often. But you feel bad for using them only in need. Yet you appreciate them more then 90% of the friends you see everyday.

That's this blog.

Anyhow, onto buisness, I wouldn't be writing in here unless there was something up, right?

Right.

I don't really know where to start: Obvious generalization seems like a good place:
I'm still sad.

K, now that that's out of the way let's move on to deeper thoughts into it and different possible reasons on a given day: K, sounds good.

I'm trapped in a self-perpetuating death spiral of guilt, plus I'm a pessimist. But more on that later.

CassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassie

WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH YOU OWEN!?!?!

I've got some guesses, but nothing good enough to explain why it still hurts. I must be just straight f-ed. I mean, let's look at the facts:
1. Havent seen, heard, ANYTHING about her for 3 months
2. Got dumped 8 months ago
3. She only used me for the 5 month period after dumping me
4. Despite all my best efforts to help her escalating substance problems, she didn't give a fuck
5. She's probably still dating the "love of her life", who she basically dumped me for. But it's clear he doesn't actually give a flying fuck.
6. I am all "growed" up, and these are trivial adolescent angsts that happen to immature high schoolers.
7. I believe in a God that not only protects me, but has a specific plan for me.

that's just off the top of my head. Of course there are more reasons I could name, but I'm tired of that list.

I went back home last month when Mitch was sick as most of you know. When I was there i reread old love letters from her (ya, I know)..

It's not that it made me see anything new or rekindled old feelings. I've thought about her at least once a day, EVERYDAY..... Sometimes its a 5 minute moment of weakness. Sometimes its 3 hours during the day. And sometimes it keeps me from sleep all night long.

Mostly, I think it's because that this past year was obviously my shittiest year to date. And in the middle of the shittiness is when I met her. And even though I messed up a bunch early on. She didn't let that stop a relationship (albeit, a short one) from growing. And she still appreciated me, for being me. Right up until the end, and everything since then doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

I guess it's the fact that I always feel a constant pressure to perform "Up to potential" "To norms", etc etc... I know I have good potential and shit. But when I fall down, I don't care about the future, or about what other people think. I just don't want a crushing feeling of being alone and for being wrong for feeling that way. Which is what I feel day to day.

I guess it's why I feel so sad about the whole happenings. It was the first time that I could mess up, and still feel wanted. Which is one thing that makes me sad, another is I still believe it's my fault she's gone. Which means I, myself, am responsible for losing my favourite feeling of all time. And that sure as hell makes me feel worse.

So in short, A past mistake, that probably didn't even affect the eventual outcome of the relationship. Makes me take all responsibility for losing a girl, who, obviously, didn't really love me. Yet it brings me down to my knees daily.
Self-diagnoses says that I'm pretty much as crazy as I, personally could get. There is so much wrong with that story. But I can't break it. And deep down, I'm not sure I want to.

I mean, I want to be happy, and with the right person, whoever that might be, I'm not still trying to go back. But it feels impossible and almost wrong to do it alone. I've always moved on by "changing targets" so to speak. But when there's no prospects, I lose hope fast and my thoughts always drift back to her.

I bet that if i found someone new, I would instantly stop thinking about Cassie. I just don't have a future I can look into, it's all hypothetical with no evidence or potentials of it actually happening. So I look back

Then there's the issue of since her. NOTHING. I am incapable of attracting someone. Which then makes me question if there's anything that would attract a girl inside me. And a lot of the times I come to a flat "no" conclusion.

Sure I want t

People all around me say things like "Why would a girl want you how you are right now?? Depressed, uncaring about life, timid, shy, introverted. You have to change and become better first"
FUCK...... THAT!!

Ok, maybe I don't disagree 100%, but to a point. I just want to be appreciated and WANTED for what I have to offer right now. I want to make someone happy. I want to feel close, and needed, not just another aimless person.

A lot of me doesn't want to become better without finding someone. Because I would never know if they liked me, or if they liked my abilities, my potential, my skills. But not me.

And if that ever happened, I don't know if I could deal with it when the lie was finally exposed.

I've always wanted this "person". Even back to elementary school. And when I had opportunities. I took them, I developed. I wanted to become someone who was "a good boyfriend". I busted my ass trying to become that sort of person. But not because it was forced. I WANT to be that person.

The most satisfying compliment I hope to get is "A good husband and father"... I guess that's the bottom line

And if I was able to be happy without being on the path to achieving that. It would have to mean that it lost some of its importance. And that's something I CANNOT let happen, no matter the cost.

Unbelievable

Last night we went out to the keg for mroz's 19th birthday. To celebrate the occasion we all dressed up in suits and headed out.
When we got there, the first thing that disappointed me was that we were the only people dressed more then t-shirts and hoodies.

Now, I understand this is Saskatoon and stuff and that the keg isn't THAT fancy a place. But still, it's better then any other lounge. So why not treat it like so? anyways, not a big problem, we got lots of comments and questions about the suits and frankly we felt alot more confident because we knew that we looked at our best.

The night was fun, sitting around and chatting for a couple hours. Josh, being awesome. Picked up the $160 tab for all 10 of us. ty.

after we decided to stop for some cheap wingnuts before heading off to bed. There, we found the stupidest group of guys I've ever met.

So we're just sitting around eating and talking some more. There's only 5 of us left at this point and we start talking about video games. Every once and a while one of these 3 guys would call us nerdy or some other form of trash talk. Whatever, we flipped em off and kept talking. We all start leaving and when its just me and matt inside. One makes the comment about us being "women" for wearing suits.

WTF! I didn't realize looking good was something to be insulted about. These low class retards sitting in their cliche jeans and hoodies. A bunch of trend whore fucks sitting insulting people!!! Ridiculous! How can any man deny the clean and awesome look of a suit?!?! really?!?

So we're just about to part when josh goes to the window and starts air-teabagging them. Pisses them off so much one guy comes out and begins to trash talk us as if we're all out of shape...

quote
"when was the last time you guys ran, period?"
or
"I dont play games i have sex with woman"
and
"you guys come from a wedding or something?"

lol, completely retarded. Josh gives him the beat down of course about playing hockey and being in a 2 year relationship and stuff. The guy, maybe realizing hes being an ignoramus, insults his friends and retreats back inside.

afterward, we were pretty confused. We know trolling exists all over the internet. But we didn't fathom people would actually just lay it down for no reason in wingnuts.
Makes me lose faith in humanity.

Surprise!

So I guess I'm writing in the blog again... Surprise surprise....definitely been awhile. It was a form of therapy from the beginning so I guess that's a good sign that I've been away. However, I'm sure my good and faithful readers have been longing for some Owen Brown. lol.

Anyways, I'll some up what's been going on in 1 word
NOTHING
probably one of the worst things that happens to me, I like stuff to happen. I'd rather be overcoming problems and fighting battles or helping people and having fun then doing nothing. The middle sucks, time passes. PERIOD.

don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm sitting at home all alone. I hang with friends and go to work etc etc. But nothing that is important to me and to life is happening. Basically I could do whatever I want to without directly affecting the circumstances. Of course there would be long term effects. But immediately, shit all is happening and I guess that's what's supposed to happen.

I don't like it. I don't want it. But if that's what has to be. Well who am I to question?

Life is happy. Life is sad. And sometimes it's just boring. There's no right way to escape it and no right way to accept it. I'm training for my purpose, I'm mentally and spiritually preparing myself for whatever it is I've got coming.

I don't know when it's my time or what it's going be.

I hope it's enjoyable, I hope it brings joy and peace and love and happiness. But more importantly. I hope I'll be ready.

I don't get it

Rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that i know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream
We thought we'd be there along ago

I want answers....I want promises....I want hope....I want stability....I want happiness

Time Time Time Time Time

Another week went by. Cassie met up with me once on Monday
Her friend needed grocery money so I gave her $160

STFU!!!!! I dont' want to hear anyone's crap about this.

I'm not trying to buy her back of anything. I'm doing the right thing because it's someone in need. You guys have to trust me on this. I know it looks stupid and that I'm just getting used. And maybe I am.

But none the less. I talked about true strength and love previously. And that means giving when its needed and taking punches to the face just for goodness' sake.

And that's what I'm fuckin doing. taking hit after hit with no benefits and just keep getting up. Because it's the right thing to do.

Curse you weekend

Saw Dennis for the last time on Thursday. Last time that is until some other crazy problem comes up that I need help and shit for. It was good. Just kind of a wrap up. He said I need to not do anything using the "O, Whatever" logic.

Also that I'm supposed to think that life is like throwing mud against a wall, and not like rolling dice. I guess that's a negative thought and it's damaging.

I still think it's dice though, I work my ass off compared to other people in terms of personal growth, and generosity, loyalty, willingness to help. etc etc. All those good traits that people "claim" they are looking for in other people.

Yet not only is nothing improving. Some days I feel worse.

Thankfully Church is tomorrow. It seems like forever since last Sunday. It just doesn't come soon enough.

This Poem is not addressed to you

This poem is not addressed to you.

You may come into it briefly,

But no one will find you here, no one.

You will have changed before the poem will.

Even while you sit there, unmovable,

You have begun to vanish. And it does no matter.

The poem will go on without you.

It has the spurious glamour of certain voids.

It is not sad, really, only empty.

Once perhaps it was sad, no one knows why.

It prefers to remember nothing.

Nostalgias were peeled from it long ago.

Your type of beauty has no place here.

Night is the sky over this poem.

It is too black for stars.

And do not look for any illumination.

You neither can nor should understand what it means.

Listen, it comes with out guitar,

Neither in rags nor any purple fashion.

And there is nothing in it to comfort you.

Close your eyes, yawn. It will be over soon.

You will forget the poem, but not before

It has forgotten you. And it does not matter.

It has been most beautiful in its erasures.

O bleached mirrors! Oceans of the drowned!

Nor is one silence equal to another.

And it does not matter what you think.

This poem is not addressed to you.


I did not write this, nor do I know where it came from, it
was just a random word file found on my computer.

Breathe in, Breathe out, to know that you're alive

So I was waiting for something to happen for writing some more on my blog. and finally out of nowhere something did happen. So anyways. Standard work week. Transformers 2 on Tuesday which was exactly what I expected it to be. Giant robot epic death match of excellence. Don't expect a movie, expect action, period. Anything else and you will be disappointed.

Then last night Cassie txted me to go for coffee. So after a couple people bailed on me it left the night open so I said yes and we met at tim's.

I'd say it went fairly well, it's so hard to read her so I have no idea how it actually went. But from my stand point it was good. Talked for over an hour about work, and other stuff. Mostly about her life. It ended in slight disarray.

Simply because I don't know what to expect or what to take from it. I'm doing my best to just lay back a lil and trust God. It's freaking hard though. But so far so good. I guess. It's strange because my mood changes entirely from one day to the next. ATM, I'm feelin pretty good. Hope remains.

Another round of Coffee on tuesday with Mandy. I alway enjoy her company alot.

WOOT

TRANSFORMERS 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Bank Day!

So, had friday off, bank day. (every third week). So i got up at 7. gamed till 830. roller bladed to mcdonalds and met my g-parents for breakfast. McGriddles+has browns+coke= orgasm. I love the grease and the salt and the sugar and the msg... nom nom nom

went home, was pretty bored, boots asked me to chill so went over there, new dota version was messing up or something cuz it kept dropping boots, Cassie starts txting me, I guess it was pretty good txting. Found out that she does want to have coffee sometime, isn't just making it up.
(Or at least that's what she said, and I choose to trust).

Found out I'm still super vulnerable to her. She sent an ambiguous txt that could have meant that she didn't actually want to go for coffee, which, surprizingly, (Even to me) sent me in a mini-panic. Smoothly asked for clarification of her last txt and she said that she DID want to go for coffee and didn't want me thinking she was trying to use me. phew

After the mini-panic decided I needed to get some air, go cruising, run some errands on 8th. Walk outside from boot's.

O goodie, I locked my keyes in my car.
I guess I needed the air anyways, so I walked home and grabbed my spare, mom was home, she dropped me off at car. Went home, chilled. Picked up Mroz, went to 8th, ran an errand, chilled in amazing stories, went into Hi-Tech game traders.

Was SUPER hungry and thought "A snack wrap would be nice atm". go to mcdicks and wait in line. get a txt from loc "We're seated, come one come all." went over to montanas.

ate a good burger, good conversation, beautiful crayon drawings (lol britney). Went home, chilled. Dam Cassie runnin through my head all day! I'm trying to just wait and see her interest level. Definately, not in favour of getting burned again, but if given the choice. I'd probably still take the risk.

Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart

So I guess some big things happened, and I guess that needs me to write them down. So, for some crazy reason that even I'm not exactly sure of. I invited Cassie's sister and her husband and kid to supper somewhere on me. Now if anyone reads this, you might think WTF?!!?!

well wtf indeed, I still don't know why I did it, but that was on Tuesday and so far no response. However, Mandy said that Amanda was freaking out on people who were talking about it, why? I have no idea.

AND THEN

Cassie called me after work on Wednesday, definitely asking "WTF?!?!?!". lol. So I said "dunno". lol. The conversation actually lasted 45 minutes talking about what we've each been doing and stuff. Some of the stuff that's happened to her breaks my heart. It makes me sad that I'm in no position to help, even if I was to gain nothing, I'd still give anything to help.

All in all, a decent conversation I guess, I can't read her over the phone, and so I think that it she was just talking out of obligation and whatnot, which makes me sad, for I still don't understand why I'm someone who should be avoided.

So I definetly didn't see anything happening from a lil supper invite. All i thought was either it was going to be a polite "no" or just no response at all. Cassie thought I was trying to team up with Amanda (sister) to get her back. And Amanda thought I was trying to team up with Cassie to get her back.

Still don't have a good reason, but I guess it's just as simple as trying to be nice purely for niceness' sake. And everyone is second guessing me and being suspecious. When in reality I just want to help or at least, give someone a nice meal, show them the value they have.

So it was the first time in about a month and a half that I had ANY communication with Cassie at all. My head is still slightly spinning. She said she might call me again later. I don't expect that to happen, it was probably just one of those "we should...." bullshit promises that everyone makes these days.

I'd like this to be an oppertunity to help Cassie in someway (How? I'm not sure)... So I just pray about it A LOT. It's in God's hands now. Which are perfect, so what he does with it is right. PERIOD.

so ya. fairly eventful week

Audrey, Start the Revolution

Another day down. Man, for some reason, I'm feeling worse and worse about Cassie. It's so stupid and ridiculous, It's been over 2 months AND I haven't had any communication with her for over a month.

So seriously, WTF?!?!!?!?!?!

How much longer until something happens? How long is the wait for the sun to shine again?

Dismantle, Repair- Anberlin
One last glance in a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Did not want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
Oh, things are going to change

I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
It's only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go

[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

Dreams are for Dreamers, Buckets for Bleeders

Another dream

This time I was back working at JH. It was the end of Thursday and I was supposed to leave at 4. But Cassie had just started working at 3 and I wanted to talk to her so I told everyone I’d stay an extra hour. I was back to being a merchandiser so I was stocking shelves. But, strangely, it was a supermarket setting, aka I was stocking food. 5 came around and I still hadn’t talked to Cassie, I actually I only saw her once as she walked by, without eye contact. During that time I made a friend with a bro, I didn’t recognize him and I never got his name.

Oddly enough. A zombie apocalypse broke out and everyone was fleeing the store. Cassie was first for her car but fell and for some reason wasn’t getting up, she was saying stuff like “ok guys just go on without me” and stuff in a very sarcastic tone. Everyone else ran by and started driving away. But I came and picked her up. I can’t remember anything past that, or if she even looked at me or said anything to me.

This one wasn't as painful as the usual ones.

Weekends!!!!!!

So went camping on Friday, which was a lot more fun then I thought it would be. Standard operation: Late night, drunk people, early mornings, and the best food ever.

I left on Saturday, it's not that I had anything better to do. I don't know exactly why I had to come back. Part of me says I didn't want to get bored with Saturday night being an identical repeat. But I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm fucking insane.

Well, not realy. I just mean that I'm unable to enjoy stuff right now, I need to search, I need to find. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for, I'd love to find the ability to help people, or find my future (curse the present). Or that "someone". But I don't think I'm supposed to find those things.

I look, earnestly, with focus and dedication, and the right state of heart. Yet, I feel as if I'm farther away from my dreams then ever before. Therefore, I must be dreaming the wrong dreams, looking for the wrong things. However, I'm only happy when I come nearer to my dreams.

So do I look for what doesn't satisfy me?? Or do I fight a losing battle???

Speaking of dreams, Another one of Cassie (Woohoo). This one is super messed up, all I know is that any memory of her still hurts me.

So her and I were in a plane crash. I lived and she dissapeared, so I went looking for her, Months later I'm back at the crash site and I see her walking away. I chase after her and catch up with her. She looks at me and says "You should have been there with me"

Then she says "I can't go back." So I immediately responded by saying "I can't go back either. But you can start over."

Somehow we were inside somewhere. She started saying stuff that I can't remember, but reaches for the phone and starts to dial some number. I remember that I didn't recognize it in the dream. So I hit her in the face, it gave her a bleeding nose.

So she is shocked and stuff, and I start crying, feeling really bad about myself. So I hugged her and kept repeating over and over about how sorry I am.

Then I woke up. Feeling really shitty about myself, and about everything in general. I know I'm not the guy to hit anyone. Not even some prick who deserved it, let alone someone I care about. Yet in the dream I did it.

I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm trying to do what's right. I'm trying to move on, to forgive and forget. I just keep getting caught in the undertow, over and over again.

Discovered a new band though, Decyfer Down. Here's a good song by them.

Fading - Decyfer Down
It starts with one time to fit in
Addiction slowly setting in
I drifted off into dismay

(bridge)
Eyes looking back at me
I can't even see your face
The pressure is closing in
It's taking me again.

(chorus)
Wait, It's all that I can take
And every single day
A part of my soul is fading.
But now, by letting go somehow
Unshackled and unbound
I'm calling out your name, I'm fading.
So save me, from what I've become

It's like a force that's fooling you
Its empty promise hides the truth

(bridge)
(chorus)

Wait, just about to break
Help me see the way
I'm shattering to pieces on the floor

(chorus) x2

Learning to Breathe

I am finally realizing the glory and promise that God has made me. It makes me so happy and excited I can hardly contain myself.

I went for coffee with Mandy yesterday. What a great time, I had no idea that it would be so awesome. I did vent about Cassie a bunch, but Mandy was really supportive and intelligent in her responses and it made me feel A LOT better.

and more importantly it gave me a new perspective on the whole situation and I think I finally might be understanding what happened/happening. Which, to me, is the most important part of moving on. (details will NOT be provided)

Also, I read in my morning devotion yesterday, about how if a person is wanting to find the attributes that make them a great person (patience, caring, kindness....etc). That they need to be completely and utterly destroyed.

They're emotional state has to be wiped completely clean before they are able to be "reborn" as a person who is able to develop those good qualities. And I thought "I just got SHIT on, I got wrecked and now I'm rebuilding from scratch."

And finally, I'm starting to see the changes, I can see the awesomeness that being utterly destroyed caused. It's exciting!!!

camping tonight, should be a good time. I can finally be free.

continued

So ya, and then in my dream she had the balls to say "at least we're talking again"...
made me so angry, I wanted to scream.

So in my dream, I woke up, and I was in bed, and somehow my throat got cut, so I was gushing blood everywhere. My reaction:

Meh, whatever. I layed back down, I remember hearing a plane over head and thinking " i hope that crashes into my house and I die."

Then today, one of the people from J&H txted me saying they quit (a friend who I talked to about Cassie a bunch when we broke up). I hadn't heard from her from a long time and I thought she hated me, but I don't know why.

So we're going to go for coffee on thursday and catch up, should be good. but there's another thing that brings back the memory of Cassie. Why can't I just find happiness? Am I being unreasonable? What am I doing wrong?

any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

seriously, WTF?

I am just plain sick of these stupid dreams and of being haunted by memories. The only reason I can think that these are still coming in on me is either
a)Punishment of sins
b)Prompt action
sorry, I'll explain what's going on. Last night I had the nastiest dream about Cassie yet, it started off nice and dandy with me, mroz and cam talking about transformers 2. Very quickly Cassie txted me, she ended up coming over. AND was freaking dating mroz!!!! fucking hell, so painful, woke up too many times last night.

the worst part, everytime I fell back to sleep it was the same dream, I was back to being in the same room when they're cuddling. fuck off, please.

I pray to get over, and to help, and to do God's will, EVERYDAY. Yet, more then ever I'm getting random things of her in my head.

Last sunday my church used a quote that I had only heard because Cassie had it posted before. ping
Driving to work with mom, forgot my ipod holder so i put the radio on, first song that comes on was a song we always talked about. bang

gtg to work....i'll finish the stupidity later.. this is so fucking frustrating

I won't forget this, I'll never forget this

So I guess it's time for an update. Work is going just like work always goes, which is good. I'm very lucky to have that job.

Definitely love going to church, it seems like that's all I wait for all week, it's so weird cuz just a couple months ago I'd wake up looking for excuses not to go, but now it seems like once a week isn't enough. At least at my church, I don't think I could go to most other churches more, I just love mine.

I got replaced on my Halo team, which is pretty sad. The tournament would be in 3 weeks, but looks like I won't be going to that anymore. So maybe I'll come camping with everyone, at least I think the end of june is the plan.

I can't wait to go to university this fall. I want to restart on this life thing, I think I fail at it atm, I need to meet new people and stuff, stop drifting through this joke and at least feel like I'm working towards my future, or working towards anything really. Just as long as I'm not idling.

Someday I hope to find my ordinary world. Until then I'll learn to survive.
Ordinary World-RED

It falls, apart, from the very start, it falls apart, seems like everything i touch, falls apart

Well I guess it's been a while since I posted, my supervisor is getting owned at work, apparently he's a giant douche-bag to everyone else and is super lazy most of the time. I guess he got suspended or he's on stress leave, no one knows which one, but either way I am defaulted to head of the warehouse and I started training someone to help me today, it felt pretty sweet.

Played soccer on Sunday, we won 2-1, they outplayed us but we got a penalty shot. FTW. I love the physical activity, even if I'm not scoring or anything, I just love to run in competition. Soccer gives me a little bit of an escape and happiness, So far I'm doing a great job of drifting and making time pass. Life can pass me by for all I care right now, the faster the better plz.

I just get so angry at people who I feel don't deserve the happiness they have, the people who are selfish and abusive and manipulative. Those bastards. It's almost intolerable sometimes, the randomness of life eats at my soul.

Specifically why I want time to pass, I'm doing things right, I know I'm on the right track, It will just take time for me to become stronger and to find what I'm looking for. If anyone has a spare time machine or something, I have money.

wtf

What the hell? Life is bullshit, I hate this random game of chance, why must it all be a stupid game of dice? Why do the sincere get burned? Why do the wicked get happiness?

I tried to play my cards the best I could, but I guess someone stacked the deck against me.

Slipping out the back sounds like a great idea, unfortunately someone slipped out the back on me, and now I'm left broken, and all I can think about is that I should slip out the back the same way.


Fort Minor- Slip out the back
You know me, I used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so I could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it's really worth it
Forget perfect, I'm trying not to be worthless
Since I last saw you I been looking for a purpose
Well I met this kid who thought like I did
He had a weird way of looking at it
This is what he said

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

I don't remember where I met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was just too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair, it doesn't care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you I want someone to say its OKAY
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody's afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that were scaring ourselves
You understand when I'm saying that you always did
But its different in the words of a cowardly kid

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know
All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be
But I had to protect you from me
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fair
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care

The Flame in all of us

Thousand Foot Krutch-My Own Enemy

Hold up,oh no, who let them in the door? it's like a freak show, shake it like a photo

Hate, is only what you say, not what you mean
And pain, is whats inside of me, not when you're bleeding
I, will fall, I'll fall and take your breathe away
We, could change it all and take your breathe away

This anger changes me, it effects the way I see, effects every part of me, and makes you my
enemy, but when it falls apart, it's like a brand new start, and I cant remember why I ripped
everything apart

I'm still my worst enemy,
the world around me all can see what they want to see,
I need some help, because I'm still my worst enemy,
no matter where I am, I'll still get the best of me,
I'm my own enemy

Shake the world inside of me, until it cant be shaken,
Wake, the words inside of me,before it's all too late,
I will fall, and take you breathe away,
We, could change it all and take your breathe away

this anger changes me, it effects the way i see, effects every part of me, and makes you my
enemy, but when it falls apart, its like a brand new start, and i cant remember why I ripped
everything apart

I'm still my worst enemy,
the world around me all can see what they want to see,
I need some help, because I'm still my worst enemy,
no matter where I am, I'll still get the best of me,
I'm my own enemy

my own enemy... my own enemy

Friday Night

So I realized that I listen to more music then I do sleep. I listen to over 200 full songs everyday, which adds up to about 12-13 HOURS worth of constant music. All from my ipod, I'm not talking McRadio cheap stuff that sucks and you can't hear.

I don't think I could survive without my music anymore, tonight is gonna be fun, staying home and playing halo the whole time.

I can't decide if I'm being sarcastic or not, I like halo, and our team definitely needs a lot of practice before the tournament. But that is a shit load of Xbox. Well I'll need to build up my endurance, lol, cuz that saturday (june 27) is a full freaking day of gaming.

Can't Repeat

Life is getting so routine that I almost don't want it to change, pulling in $125 a day, takin it easy, staying home everyday with no contact with anybody. It's nice, strange how the more I want to do something of importance the more I find myself getting isolated, not even intentionally. I would love to do something awesome, even if it's just for 1 person or something.

Whatev

So at Edmonton we went to something similar to ruckers, where you get tickets and stuff for cheap stupid little prizes...and we bought too many for how much time we had before we needed to go eat. and so we started playing that circle game, where you put a token in and the light goes around and you try and hit the button when the light is on the jackpot place. Turns out I'm the master, I hit 2 jackpots. No one else hit any, lol pwn.

Halo tournament finally got scheduled, its june 26-27-28. Most likely at centennial like last year. I'm not sure how its gonna go down, but I think we can get top 5. Going to be hardcore practising till then.

Also I got accepted into residence for next year. 6,500 bucks for 8 months, right in voyeguer place, So really close to CC... WIN.. jk, i'll have a laptop and whatever so I prolly won't go there anyways.

Why Can't I Breathe?

Thousand Foot Krutch-Breathe You In
Taking hold, breaking in
The pressure's all need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, and not impersonate

[Chorus:]
I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breath you in
I want to breathe you in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me

[Chorus]

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it's you

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
‘Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to, I want to
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe; I want to, I want to
Want to breathe
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe

Edmonton

Back from a good trip to Edmonton, Started with a quick 5 hour drive, went by really fast, singing RED and talking about random stuff was fun. Got there at 1:30 and went to West Ed, Stayed there till 8, watched the new terminator, it was good.

The bands were ok, I wasn't there really for the music, or the speakers, I came because I needed to get closer to God somehow, and a lot to try and escape the memories of Cassie.

Well i succeeded in one of those things, I'm a lot closer to God now, for some reason, this was the worst weekend for thinking about Cassie yet. Every couple minutes she'd pop back in, I have no idea what's going on. It seems as if I'm torturing myself, subconsciously, bringing back as much pain as possible, why? I'm not exactly sure. Maybe I'm not doing that...

Maybe I'm supposed to think about her? The closer I get to God it seems the more the memories of Cassie stay in my head. I don't believe that, but it has crossed my mind.

I have no idea....anyways, one of the speakers talked about something I've been saying for years. People don't need more rules, or more time at church. People simply need more Jesus. Once you're close to Jesus, righteousness, love, wisdom. Those things will come into your life, not the other way around. God and Jesus are the starting point, not the end. By the Love of God we become able to love right, we become whole.

got to go to soccer,,, ill finish off the trip and stuff later

Source of Pain

So I haven't posted in a bit because I thought something might happen that was worth posting. Nothing really did, so this is just a quickie about my banal life.

Saw Dennis (my Psych) again yesterday. Good stuff, we joke around alot, he's sweet. But we talked about focusing my effort only on things that fit these two criteria 1. Is it =true? 2. Is it helpful?

So if its not both of those things im not supposed to think about it. lol. That's fairly easy to say.

Cassie stays in my mind alot more then just because she broke my heart and lied and whatever. It's also because she's in a position of great influence and has oppertunity to help alot of people based on her childhood, it's unique. I know she doesn't use it properly, and that shes definately greatly misguided (if guided at all).

I was given an oppertunity to become a positive influence in her life, she has a huge potential in life, yet uses so little of it, and for the wrong things. And I failed. Not that I made a couple stupid mistakes or something minor. I messed up huge, and I know that I don't get a second chance, I failed. Period.

I could have showed her the love of God, how she could reach her potential, she could have reached so many people who would never have known. And it kills me to know that I fucked up so bad.

So, for the record, it's alot more then just "She hurt me". Even after 3 years with Inna, that break up was alot less painful because I knew it had to be done, we had given it a shot and it wasn't right and didn't work properly. We flew the plane for a couple hundred feet and then bailed out before it crashed.

It feels like with Cassie that we bombed even before we got to the runway, sittin in the hanger waitin to test the new prototype out when the hanger explodes.

Forever starts TODAY

RED-Forever
I try to run, I try to hide from a voice that couldn't satisfy
That was me, always needing more
But letting go of all I had before
Cause it feels like the end
A wound that I can't mend
I just can't fight any longer

You waited 'til I sobered
You came when You knew that the game was over
I didn't even want to be found

But you chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever
Forever

I ignored the signs, opened every door
But I couldn't find what I searched for
I try to fight but I turn and run
Every move I make is the wrong one
You patiently wait for my next mistake
I know it won't be much longer

You waited 'til I sobered
You came when You knew that the game was over
I didn't even want to be found

But you chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever

You gave me so much more
Than I could ever ask for
But I turned and followed
A road the left me hollow
And still you waited for me to come back home
You brought me home...

You chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever
Forever

time

time goes so slow sometimes. I find each day doesn't go by so bad, I mean, I get home in a good time and I sleep all night and I'm usually not bored all evening, I have people I hang out with or games to play. Yet it feels as if the weeks just refuse to budge, this trip to Edmonton should have happened weeks ago, not that I'm super uber stoked. It'll be a good time for sure, I just mean that It's been "coming up" for what seems like forever. I just want time to pass please. I'm not doin so bad, I mean of course my mind is still kind of in a whirlwind.

Matter of fact, Cassie was in a dream I had the previous night, I can't remember what happened in it at all, it's just a blank. But I do remember it seemed like a nightmare. I remember that it was one of those dreams where all I could do was pray to God, over and over and over. I don't remember if I was doing it after I woke up or if i was still in my dream.

But when I was a little kiddie and I used to have nightmares, the ones that were really terrible were the ones where I couldn't do anything but pray, constantly, It didn't really make me feel any better, but I couldn't do anything else.

So anyways, dream last night. I remember feeling completely powerless in it, I can't remember if I was frightened or super hurt. But I just remember praying short quick prayers until it disappeared. I get a lot of comfort by knowing that as long as I'm doing everything through God, that his timing is always perfect. And even though I don't like what's going on around me, If I can remain strong in God, well then what I need will happen when I need it.

Another Thursday

Midway State- Never again
Hey, you surround me like a blanket in my bed,
The look in your eyes has stayed inside me,
In my head,
Outside its snowing its odd for this time of year,
You're light through the darkness,
Getting smaller oh I fear,

[Chorus]
Love love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh i wonder,
It's a long long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?G

Hey you’re my weakness,
Still my lover in my mind,
And you still control me,
Summer I put you so high,
Hey did you forget you could never get enough,
Well I’ll always love you,
No matter how far you run,

[Chorus]
Love, love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh I wonder,
It's a long, long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?

There is a lover down inside all of our gates that we cant protect, forever cause,
He’s sucking at the air from our lips,
I felt him tremble when I first picked you up driving honey,
We drove for hours I remember when I first let him kiss,
You and your mouth the taste of love if filled me up to the tips,

I couldn't sleep for weeks,
fevered at one hundred and six,
You surround me like a blanket in my bed,

[Chorus;; X2]
Love, love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh I wonder,
It's a long, long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?

nasty

that was a terrible night. Me and Galen and Inna and Cam went to the duece. Met up with Steve, Trevor and Minshull randomly. They gave me the nastiest shots ever. Which then led me to throwing up for an hour. Not cool. Still feeling really crappy, aka not at work today. I can feel it, today is gonna be a rough day.

HBD

happy birthday myself, lol.
anyways.
first outdoor soccer game yesterday. It felt so good to be running again, although I've become fat and out of shape I played good. First Blood! first goal of the team and of the season. We won 3-0, it was pretty sloppy. One of Cassie's friends was on the other team, Kyle, from JH. I said hi but he didn't seem to recognize me, which is weird cuz i know she's been trying to turn everyone against me. Matt's told me stories. I guess it's mostly her school friends. meh, whatever. Kyle's a good guy.

Already over pt. 2

Weekends seem to be turning into the bane of my existence. So much time to do nothing. Stuff just isn't as fun anymore, I don't know whats going on. Halo is still fun. I'm starting to think that the tournament might never come. It would be a nice distraction for a month or so, plus a fun weekend. I'm not counting on it though. Other then that, more stuff with Cassie, Details aren't gonna be provided, maybe I'll never talk to her again. But i don't believe that will happen, somehow she keeps comin up. I gave it my best shot, whatever. I see no logic.

How can this last forever?

Take a good look at that painting above. What does it tell you?
It says to me that every one of us personally put Jesus on the cross, we ALL held that mallet and that spike, and we hammered it through his wrists, we ALL hoisted him on that hill that night.

The crazy part is that even if we were the only person ever created, he would have done it for us. He loved us so much that he WILLINGLY took that burden for us, He loved us so much he took all our pain away, he loves us so much he will carry you when you are about to collapse.

say Owen. aren't you being a little pretentious? maybe even a lil "holier then thou"?
NO

I fell down like I never thought could happen, EVERY SINGLE fear i ever had came true, everything i worked so hard to prevent from happening happened. All my barriers were destroyed, all my love was taken from me. I shot myself in the chest with a BB gun to try and take away the pain. I thought about swerving into traffic constantly, I would cry and cry and cry, wishing someone would hear me pleading, hear me screaming. Someone did hear me screaming, they tried to help. But I was too much to handle, I ended up destroying the only thing that had been keeping me going for months, all I thought about and all I wanted.

Gone, in a single afternoon.

It was when I lost the only thing that I had left that I let go. I jumped off a cliff and just hoped to die, I fell, and fell, and fell. There was no bottom, I was ready for the collision, I WANTED the impact. I wished the ground would take mercy on me and meet me halfway.

Instead, when everything was gone, those two arms grabbed me. They held me up, just above the desert floor, He whispered in my ear, "I Love You."

It was all I needed, it saved me. I looked into the abyss. And i jumped.

No one was waiting for me, No one wanted to catch me (Although Meagan, you did slow my fall for that one night, thank you.) Love caught me, pure, true, simple. Love. It didn't manifest itself in anyway shape or form. There was no person in came out of, there was no specific action that showed it to me.

It was inside of me.

I just knew that it was there, that it was all that's important. That it's all i want to be: pure love. And by that I mean God of course, for he is pure love. He carried me through my brokenness. He saw me for who I really was: A desperate boy looking for love, so desperate I'd rather die then live without "love". And when everyone was too busy, when everyone was unable or unknowing or uncaring. He wasn't.

For you know everything about me,
And still you love me as I am.
I can't change everything around me,
but you can make me whole.
(blocking out the sun, The Send)

Don't be mistaken, my heart still hearts. My head still spins. My mind still drifts some days. I am nowhere near a perfect man. I just know what it's like to be shattered. I have no fear of death, or of pain, or of sacrifice. For I looked every fear in the eye, and blinked, i lost every battle. I stood up and got kicked down. over and over. Most of the time by myself, by my unreasonable expectations, by my own disillusions (They seriously kicked THE SHIT out of me). But also by the people i thought I could trust. And i will never forget that feeling.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this, i just sat down and started typing. I hope this makes some sense, or maybe helps someone somewhere someday. I'll just leave off with a song
that fits me, and fits that painting.
RED- Pieces
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole

Better...

So definitely been feeling so much better after giving Cassie to God. Also, on this morning's devotion. It talked about how God's timing is always perfect, and it listed some examples and stuff. It just re-iterated to me the fact that i gotta chill a bit, I've been rushing some things, and definitely over-thinking everything. The right things will happen at the right times, I just need to stop worrying and stuff.

I've been thinking more about doing another painting, I really liked how my first one came out and I was thinking of doing a lighthouse on a cliff, either in a storm or at night, with one piercing light shining across the sky/storm. Mostly blues and blacks, I was thinking of silhouetting the lighthouse and the cliff so its just black, It'd have to be a pretty impressive sky then... I don't know if I can pull it off though......

YAY LIFE!!!!!

So. After last night's small out burst. It was tough, but as I was just laying in bed talking to God, I decided to give Cassie to God, it wasn't my problem anymore, it's in God's hands. Coincidentally, after over a week of silence, she txted me today. Basically, wanting to say hi, but she thinks that it's better for both of us if we don't talk. I asked her why and she said that she makes me worse. So I asked her to ignore my feelings, and I wanted to know "How do I make your life worse?" (direct quote). She didn't respond to that. Frankly, I don't care. God is in control now, I'll try my best to do everything in love, and God will do the rest. I don't need to worry about her, or anybody. As long as I'm doing my best to love every chance I get to everybody, things will be fine.

Anyways, that's just a little blip on the radar compared to the super awesome, exciting project of doom. (Sussy Zombie film). Created by Johney and Josh. They called me tonight and we spent over an hour discussing plot, character, specific shots, scenes, houses, actors, storyline. the whole deal. I am very impressed with the outcome and I'm VERY excited for the summer.

I don't really care about over-all plot. They can handle that crap and whatever. I just want to direct/ tweek every shot for perfection. I want to add the little things in the background, or come up with cool irrelevant scenes. The kinda stuff that makes a movie re-watchable, so that everytime you see it you notice something different, or you clue into something a little eariler based on subtle dialogue.

As long as this project is going, this summer is going to be nuckin futs.

Work is super chill and getting pretty sweet, part time will be really good later on.

1st Day

day number 1 at RuH. It's nice and slack, and the people are quirky and pretty chill. My job is easy and will be a perfect part-time job. I don't know if I could handle it for 8 hours, but 4 will be good i think. Brian is my boss. He's about 50, obese. but fairly witty and pretty cool. I'll post more when stuff starts to happen.

So for some reason, Cassie just won't get out of my head. She was in my dream last night. I haven't talked to her in over a week, and she dumped me over a month ago, but a lot of the time i have so much anger about her. I just want answers, it doesn't make any sense to me, there appears to be no logic involved. and it's driving insane. Why can't people make sense? or more importantly, why can't they at least make sense to them self? Even if it's a bullshit reason, I, at least, want A reason. So far none.

If she asked for forgiveness and wanted me back. Would I take her? %100. I think I could hold myself off and start over and slower. But I have never felt as amazing as i did with her next to me. I hate it because it's not fair, why did I have to lose that feeling? I just want to know why. Why did this all happen? Why can't I win?

Of everything on this planet. Finding that "person" has always been the most important to me, I've always tried so hard, to search, to know what I want, to be someone that other's would want. What am I doing wrong?

Three Evils (Embodied in love and shadow)

Nothing to report, nothing exciting happens, nothing to say. I just want to feel better, and I just want to heal, and mostly, I just want to be able to do something for someone. Unfortunately none of that is happening. Weekends suck because I have so much free time to think, and to remember. I have nothing specific to look forward to, or to distract me. This isn't fair.

NOTHING and everything

RED-Nothing and Everything
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Broken truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again

What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

I'm still the same, pursuing pain
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)

It's breaking me
It's breaking me

I'm falling apart
I'm falling apart

Interesting Day

So today was the last day of my training, and just like all the other days it was boring and 99% common sense. However, I was sitting there all bored like and such, mostly feeling sorry for myself about Cassie. When I thought about all my own mistakes and so i made a list of everything i think I'm bad at (in terms of relationships). After coming up with around 10 of them I started feeling a lot better and i drew 2 pictures of scenery. The first was of a sunset with some cliffs in front and some clouds in the sky, similar to my painting. The other was of a lighthouse at night, with its single light cutting through the darkness. Both are small little pictures, but they were done completely with ONE PEN. I'm fairly impressed with myself, I think I'll cut them out and tape them to my wall. And then I named them, and wrote down some lyrics around them that i like, and also thought of different improvements I could make to the pictures and wrote them around each one. (If you haven't noticed I like to improve things)

I also thought about how I've been doing a fair bit of complaining about "deserving" someone to love and to love me (I still think i deserve it). But it occurred to me that it's just going to fail again if I go into something with the same mind frame. I have to like my life before I should have a woman because they're supposed to ENHANCE life, not make it. I should be happy and fairly content before hand or else dependencies are created, and those always lead to some kind of abuse, or needing. Either way, it robs both people of their dignity in the end, and doesn't solve anything. Our unhappiness is a symptom of us falling away from true love (God's love). And no matter how many people love us, or how many cars we get or whatever you think will make you happy, it doesn't matter. Because none of them are solving the problem, we're just trying to treat random symptoms. Which change all the time. That made we feel better, temporarily.

I still want to find someone to love, I'm just not going to be sad all the time. (I'm going to get weak every once and a while). But overall.
I KNOW that i have a great capacity for love, and that I have a lot of REALLY good qualities, I just suck at utilizing them often. But i know they are there, and that I need to tweak them a bit.

Mostly I keep getting held back because Cassie is sitting on the fence and every time she lies to me again i get caught up for a couple days, she's going to Ottawa till next Friday i think, and she hasn't said or txted anything to me since Monday. So by then i hope to be stronger, because I'm growing fast, It's just that she pulls me down so much. So hopefully, She won't say anything to me for a while so I can fix myself some more before i struggle with myself and her.

Quick update

So went to that new xmen movie. The action was kind of cool, but other then that it was pretty bad, I don't have any care for the series or anything, i just like to see logic and consistency in directing. Which this movie had none. My friends tell me about how far off they got the characters, but I don't care about that. I didn't like the fact that guy who's power was to alter his momentum, (aka hit stuff really hard) could take a tank shell for no reason. Just a lot of little stuff like that, that wasn't thought out properlly. Well the 5 day training comes to a close today, I can't say I learned alot. More posts will probably come soon, I'm avoiding life, which is to say, I'm trying my best to stop caring about stuff, and just drift.

Another Day

Another day is done, I'm trying to make the days go by as fast as possible. I'm not sure I know when or where i want to be, but it's anywhere but here. I don't have much to say, it's all inside and it's all stuff that needs to just fade away. But I will leave off with a song.

RED- Overtake You
Time
It's eating me alive
Unable to rewind
Sink deeper while I'm climbing
Never to arrive

I gave you everything
But still you need to feed
And underneath it all I'm screaming out

Just carry on
Just prove me wrong
I know that I'm dying right now
And it seems that I'm so far gone
But not for long
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now I will overtake you

Just one that you can use
One risk but you can't lose
Play the victim while abusing
Anyone you choose

Painful consequence
Of standing on your lies
I'm barely breathing but I'm screaming out

Just carry on
Just prove me wrong
I know that I'm dying right now
And it seems that I'm so far gone
But not for long
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now I will overtake you

dissapointed, by everything

So just watched the season finale of Heroes tonight. Hate to say it, but it was terrible. What was supposed to be an epic battle was a lame cop-out to keep all the main characters on payroll. Especially that stupid bitch who died 3 times now, they found a way for her to come morphing through the water. And don't even get me started on Nathan, that son-of-a-bitch got what was comin, none of this memory transfer bullshit. First 40 minutes-Awesome. Last 20-Terrible. If season 4 isn't absolutely kickass, heads will roll.

Apart from that, Cassie decided on Saturday that I "NEEDED" (QUOTE) to know some stuff about her life. I won't post it here, it's her buisness and I'm not going to disclose it. However, I will voice my anger about the fact that apparently she still thinks she should tell me things about her life, without actually telling me anything. She gives a snippet, even an invitation of friendship. (Not that I'm so stupid and blind, but if someone wants to honestly be my friend, then i will honestly be there's. and to me that requires listening, and caring, and forgiveness.) Now if any of you know anything about what's happened between us, well then you can guess what happened. NOTHING. She goes through the motions, says the words, but doesn't mean any of it and especially doesn't care. All lies, just like everything before.

Don't get me wrong now, I'm not really surprized, nor am i extremely disheartened. I feel the same feelings i would if anyone pulled that shit on me. I value friendship greatly, especially open, honest friendship. I do get angry that she does this nearly every week, however, I won't let that stop me. Like i said before,

"Strength is getting sucker-punched in the face, but getting up and loving them, and the next stranger, just the same" (or something like that, I can't exactly recall)
I'm just trying my hardest to do everything in love, even deal with this bullshit in love (not perfect, but trying). Well faithful reader, i guess that's the rant for tonight. Before you judge me, thinking I'm weak, or bitchy, or anything negative. Remember- I write this because I'm in my weakest state. To me, this is a journal, and I try to not have barriers, so it's open to people. So the stuff that bothers me the most gets in here. It's mostly negative, but thats how i view life right now, so suck it.

ugh

Weekends, what fun! (FUUUUCCCCKKKK).... I hate all this bullshit. I hate the lies, i hate the fake smiles, i hate the free time, i hate the thoughts i have, i hate so much. Mostly i just hate that I'm not happy. And when that happens, you hate everything else, because it doesn't matter to me. I have no purpose ATM, i want to help people, but no one wants my help, i want to be helped my people, but no one wants to help me. Time is getting killed without any reason. I run through the motions of life, without living.

I'm freaking useless, and i hate it. Life is about love, as of right now, No one wants my love or wants to give me love. and I don't mean romance. I need a reason to keep doing this shit. unfortunately, i dont have a reason, but im just going to keep doing it. Don't ask me why, (No one will read this anyways so what am i worried? lol). but it kills me on the inside. THIS ISN'T FUCKING FAIR!!!

I know it isn't. I knew it wasn't going to be. I said I'd take it anyway. and fuck me sideways, cuz i will. I'll just hate every second of it. (FUCK) [I wish there was a stronger way to communicate suffering]

I have this dream, where I'm bleeding.
We're in your car, I start to panic.
Waves are crashing. Over head, stars are shining.
You left me for dead. Down by the shore.

Woot

So, as i always thought. Got fired from Bike Doctor for a good reason. Now because of it I can start the job at RuH sooner, and at full time hours for a couple weeks (at $16) so that'll be good cash, and then i guess i look for another part timer to fill in the gaps once those weeks are over.

Take it all away (i wasn't serious)

Some of you may notice the time, oh, look its 11:47!! Aren't you supposed to be at work?!?! Why yes... I am, minus the fact that i no longer have that job.

So while i had done all my duties, i asked my boss
"hey Dave, got anything for me to do?"
"You picked up all the bikes?"
"yup, did that already"
"ok, well i have to talk to you"
...............................
I'm sure you can use your imagination how the rest went. Well maybe not, so I'll summarize. Because i have a second job in the afternoon and only work there in the morning, they found someone who wanted to do my job in the morning and then sell bikes for them in the afternoon. And because I was not off probation yet, they can fire me in a second and without reason. So out of the blue on a friday. BAM! Now I'm out a job and looking for another part time to fill in the blanks where my RuH job doesn't take up. I can't say I'm extremely dissapointed or anything, it was far from a dream job, it just fit nicely with my other one.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

SOAP IN THE EYE!!!! For frick's sake. I've had soap in my eyes countless times, and it was annoying and i just washed them and dried them and everything was ok. This had to be acid shampoo.
one conclusion can be drawn from this situation- Obviously.....Someone is trying to kill me.
lol, jk. But that soap was nasty, 20 minutes later its still burning when i look around.

RED-Take It All Away
You've stripped me down, the layers fall like rain
It's over now, just innocence and instinct still remain
You watched me while I slowly disappeared
I reached for you to save me; you were frozen in your fear

Take it all away [x4]

Circling the pain inside my soul
I reached inside your silence to steal what you won't show
I tried to find the answers in my fears
But what was found is lost again as soon as it appeared

Take it all away [x4]

I'm breaking; I can't do this on my own
Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?

You take away [x10]

Grow Up

People seriously need to grow up now a days. And I don't meant that everyone is immature, i mean everyone is so underdeveloped emotionally that its getting very frustrating. My Grandma made a good comparison today, about 50-year old men acting like 2 year old children. The 2 year old is trying to tie his shoe, along comes mom or dad and asks if the kid needs help. Being a stubborn brat, the boy yells at his parents, "ME TIE SHOE!!!! ME TIE SHOE!!!! ME TIE SHOE!!!!". instead of letting someone with knowledge and experience TEACH them how to tie the shoe, they are so bent on independence that they end up knotting they're shoes together and the parents have to forcefully intervene to fix the problem.

How many "Mature" people do we know these days who are unable to accept help? who can't break down their barriers? who NEED to do it by them self? WAY TOO FUCKING MANY!!!! Like the 2 year old, these people are not taking advice and like children and simply yelling "ME TIE SHOE". And then in the end, they fucked it all up and have no one to blame but them self. The even sadder part: They DON'T get it. They trip them selves so many times that they think its normal, or that its inevitable. When in reality: Their own stubbornness and ignorance. OPEN YOUR EYES people, life is not a solo journey, tons of people are placed in all our lives who can help us, who can guide us, or even just listen. Let your heart be open and accept the help that you need. If it's as simple as the parents in our lives, to the friends, to the caring acquaintances, to the co-workers, wherever you turn, there are people who can help.

Questions Questions Questions

So yesterday Matt and Cam finally learned the entire story of my recent past. Definitely thought Cam would be a little more understanding, and I didn't think Matt would be so vicious, my goodness, straight to the sister? Dirty shit bud (seriously though, DON'T DO IT). It made me think yesterday, was i really doing what i was supposed to? Was i listening to God's voice or was i making it up? As i was thinking about it i decided to finish the sermon i downloaded from Lake view cuz i had already listened to half of it.

I'm fairly certain it gave me the answer: "If you give through God's love and not your own, then you can never run out, because the source is infinite". Well that's the answer I'm taking, cuz it makes sense to me. I'll give when i think there is a need, and rely on God to do what he will with it, if my help changes no one, or everyone, is not my concern, Mine is to merely give what i can when i can. So, to Matt and Cam- I'm doin what's right and i think i better be a little more careful, but I'm not stoppin. Another thing,
Romans 12:20-21
If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink,
and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you.
Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.

So in yo face. I will always concentrate on doing good and let God do the rest.

A Good Example

I was at work when this started. no editing, these are all the txts that happened between me and some kid named Braiden, if he exists and isn't Cassie in disguise....however i doubt that...11:21-1:15

Note- 880-0117 is Cassie's cell number
Also Note- I hadn't txted her at all that day or last night, and when i did txt her, it was all small talk bullshit ending with her saying she would call me last night if she got the chance. The last contact to me was 3:56pm the day previous. a txt.

11:21am
880-0117- Cassie wants me to tell you that i have her phone.
Owen-And who r u?
880-0117-Braiden
Owen-And y do u have her phone?
Braiden-Long story.
Owen-im bored....lets hear it
Braiden-Don't worry bout it.
Owen-lol....im not worried...whatever floats ur boat bro
Braiden-Not worried? Why wove you be?
Owen-Wove??
Braiden-Would. Obviously.
Owen-Not so obvious in my world.. Obviously i said it in response to ur "dont worry about it".
Braiden-Well whatever. She just wanted you to know so you don't get all bitchy that she didn't call you yesterday.
Owen-Holay....all bitchy he says...i cant say i care that much...i just think if shes gonna say shes gonna do somethin she better do it
Braiden-Whatever dude. Get a life.
Owen-haha....she's just trashed me behind my back to u guys...ur funny...i didnt realize honesty was a terrible thing... u dont even know me bro
Braiden-She hasn't said shit. I have her phone buddy. I see the pathetic shit you say to her so really. Get over your phony angst.
Owen-lol... 1. u have no idea buddy so chill....2. Attempted suicide isnt a phony angst....so back off.u dont know me
Braiden-Deal with it. Your shit ain't nothing.
Owen-Ok...all knowing asshole...whats my shit?
Braiden-Your parents divorve. Your dad moving. Your misguided sense that you'll save the world. Your other girlfriend.
Braiden-Fuck man. You're so naive.
Braiden-You're so fucked. You need more help. Stop kidding yourself. You're not gonna save shit.
Owen-Got that all from the txts??? Fuck you bud...she never knew me then....let alone now... I got the help... Im not stupid...change the world??
Owen-Never said that to anyone...nor do i believe it...do i want to die now??? No...am i in alot of pain??? No
Owen-Im a good guy living a good life...im trying merely to be friends with someone i cared about...and shes still lieing to me
Owen-So how does that make me the pompous asshole???
Braiden-Theres this little thing called reality. And i hope it hits you in the face and knocks you on your ass. But other then that, i've got nothing to say.
Owen-Haha i know more about reality then any of you people...tell me....what am i faking??? What am i lieng about that the truth will reveal??
Owen-U dont know me....u have no idea who i am...its ur lil friend there who is constantly running and lieing...so back off faggot
Braiden-Lol. You obviously don't know me either.
Owen-I never said anything about you....you've been attacking me the whole time...i've been trying to explain but u keep assuming u know it all

3 possible motivations for Braiden's behavior arise
1.Trash talk- Cassie has trashed me so much to this kid that he thinks I'm some asshole who deserves to be attacked.
2.Protection- He sees Cassie as a vulnerable virgin who needs a knight in shining armor, she's painted him the picture that I'm a dragon and she's the maiden, this guy sees it as his duty to protect the weak and fight the evil.
3.Emotions- He has a thing for/with Cassie, from the stories he's heard about me, I'm an asshole and either A. Trying to catch Cassie's attention or B. Feels compelled to always take her side, he doesn't know my side (and doesn't care) so just attacks me relentlessly.

Regardless of the motivation we can draw an obvious conclusion.
Cassie has no integrity- I have given her no rational reason to insult me, yet obviously she's talked serious shit to me to this guy, and probably all her friends/family. She disrespected my trust of my personal information and has no problem insulting me. (I bet the words that were spoken to Braiden by Cassie when she learned of the exchange were "You're my hero".)

I have no idea who this kid thinks he is...somewhere in his tiny little mind this must just get him off. This exact mentality is where the world is going wrong, to him life is a struggle, someone has to win and someone has to lose, if he really wanted to talk me about this shit he could have easily asked, instead of attacking. Also he says "Deal with it. Your shit ain't nothing."...life isn't about comparisons, its about helping everyone with the problems they are experiencing, if the problems are big or small is not our judgment call. Perspective plays the biggest role in life and suffering, we need to look at problems in someone else's shoes, for not everyone has the same tolerance as we do. His world must (assumption) have always been a battle, with him always losing or caught in the middle. That is what life is, but its not what it should be and its not what we should strive for. Someday i hope Braiden learns that the goal is to love everyone, until then he will be surrounded in battle.

A little bug in my head

For some unknown reason i am unable to give up, i hate it, I can't do it, no matter what, i can't give up on people. I get lied to, and i get played, and i get used, and for some reason I'm still givin' er. It's fucking stupid, my cognitive brain can see very plainly without subjection the truth. I know it's a waste of time, i know I'm just going to hurt more, I don't even have feelings for guess who, she's treats me like dirt, I'm who she txts [no talking(i dunno y{I've tried})] when she has free time, she says A and then does Z.

The strange part is how it doesn't change anything, (almost unfortunately) is the fact that I want to help everyone, and yes, guess who is included in that. The weird part is that the one week where i did give up. Was probably the most peaceful week I've had in almost a year. Life was straight, it made sense, i had a goal. Then through some bizarre coincidences, guess who is back in my life and my head is spinning all over again. FML

Now before any of you people start harpin on me for bein a bitch or anything. I KNOW that this is trivial, it's pointless and very insignificant. I'm not stupid or self-absorbed, I just wanted to get it out of my head, somehow that justifies it. but realy, it's not that big of a deal to me, it's like a mosquito, everyone bitches about mosquitos, but its a minor annoyance. Strange, i feel better already.

ugghhh

its the words you say that drive me insane...
struggle+effort+confusion+starting cold+waking up in middle of night=tired

Fence Sitters

The people who drive me the most insane (most of u are guilty >:( just not as much as these people) are the people who have no identity, who can't make decisions, they flow with the river and sit on the fence. They never pick a side and they tell you everything you want to hear. They always tell you how cool you are and how you guys should hang out. But they'll never take the initiative and most of them time even reject all your initiative. WHAT FUCKERS!!!! how dare they deny the simplest right of humans: THE TRUTH. They use, and manipulate, and lie, all so that they never have to confront a problem, so that they always seem like the "good guy".

Truth is in the actions. You can tell me you care about me a million times, if you leave me when I'm broken down then you DON'T GIVE A SHIT. That's the reality, they will make excuses, their words and actions hardly ever match up. This behavour can come out of a two different root problems:
1.Fear, they are afriad of commitment, or of vulnerability, or of responsibility, of everything. They need to remain in control. They put up walls in their relationships to prevent anyone getting close to them. They run from all forms of conflict, even if it's simply an arguement at a food store, what appears to be comprize or selflessness is actually fear. On the surface it appears as if these people are always "there" for friends, that they put other's needs above their own. LIES!!!! Unfortunately the motivation is always cowardice. And when the shit hits the fan, they are nowhere to be seen, they clam to be "too busy" when its realy "too afriad", or "too selfish". They disguise themselves as the meek, while in fact they actually VERY weak.
2.Selfishness, they realy don't care about anyone else, everyone is a stepping stone to achieve their own happiness. these type of people are rare and are actually sociopaths. Nearly soulless humans without ANY form of compassion or caring. I hope the people i know aren't that, because there's no way to change this, they are literally born without a conscience.

Everyone is afraid, everyone doesn't want to be responsible, doesn't want to be vulnerable, but it's better for youself later, but more importantly it allows you to help others without hesitiation. The world is crumbling because of selfishness, which usually stems from fear. Let us break the cycle of fear and transform our surroundings into love and caring. Chances are if you read this and disagree, YOU'RE that asshole, don't try and justify anything to me, give a good, hard look into your actions and objectively see what you do when a confrontation happens, or when friends have problems, feelings don't matter, look to your actions as truth.