Sleep, The Only Time I Cannot Protect Myself From Myself

Last final this morning, yay. My sleep schedule has been a little messed up as of late (going to bed ~4am) but regardless of this fact my lying awake problem never completed subsided. Even at 4 I'd stay awake for a while thinking, less so then when I tried sleeping earlier though so I kept staying up really late. Obviously with the final today I couldn't stay up till 4am and right at 9am so I went to bed at 1am this time.

My thoughts were still there but I managed to keep them at bay by looping a single a line from a song over and over and over until I fell asleep ("One day, will this be over?" The Silent Comedy - All Saints Day. Even with this strategy it still took 30-45 minutes, but that's a huge improvement. I still ended up waking up 5 or so times in the early morning (~5am) in the middle of my dream, where I would fall asleep again and be right back in the dream.

Once again my dreams taunted me with Cassie. I'd write it out here, but I don't think I want to remember it. I'd rather let it fade into nothingness.

1000 Leagues

So I had this dream a couple nights of go that I thought I'd write down here, well what's left of it. Obviously after so long I have forgotten most of it, but I remember the moments before waking up clearly and the general idea of the rest of it. Seeing as how I haven't updated since my rage fest, thought this was the most pertinent activity as of late.

Speaking of that rage fest, I talked to the professor about my 'concerns' about the grad student's grading methods. And, although I didn't want it to be about a grade change (because it's not) it seemed as if that's all he heard. He was fairly dismissive and didn't want to understand my point of view but keep the prof/student barrier in place. I was out of there in 60 seconds when I was expecting something more like a 5-10 minute conversation about my concerns.

The main focus of the dream revolved around this video game, but it was real at the same time. It's contradictory but I'll try and explain how it worked. The game was a giant sandbox style game about the ocean. The player was just some diver who had some sort of handheld device that allowed clear vision in the water as if it were mere air. This came in handy as sometimes the water would become so cloudy you couldn't see more than 6 inches in front of you.

The dream had a bunch of different characters, Jason was there for a short period, and I had conversations with Cole and Matt too. The next thing I remember is Inna is playing the game, but not really. Because we're both in the water in diving suits in super cloudy water, she's got the handheld vision device so I can't see anything. So we're swimming farther down for some reason when I ask to see whats going on. I take the device and look through it only to have a giant squid beak be the only thing in the lens as it lunges at me.

At this point I can't use any words that properly convey the terror that shook me. I immediately woke up and for the next couple hours, after I had gotten over the shock, I was 100% convinced this was a real game I owned. Not until later in the morning during my routine was I sure it was purely a dream. This is unusual because although the emotions of dreams have been known to stick with me for a little while, the distinction between reality and fantasy has always been perfectly clear seconds after I awake.

on a side note, holy fuck is the ocean a scary place, dream aside, there are so many things and ways to get murdered down there. And there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Forests of Nightmares

So I'm still working on that sleeping thing, getting better. Only spent an hour or two awake this time. Ironically, this night it was being asleep that was the weird part. I had an epic dream that continued even after waking, I'd awake get up, fall asleep and re-enter the story.

I got up 30 minutes ago so the details are going to be a little fuzzy now, but I remember the important parts

It started with me in a past girl's new house, and for some reason I was still head over heels for her in the dream, we just talked for a while and although I remembered every detail about her. She couldn't even manage to remember my name except that it's, "short and rough sounding." She starts warning me that I should leave before her friends, who she knows hate me, show up. But right as I'm about to leave the whole place gets flooded with her friends. I vaguely remember them surrounding me and ushering violent threats. But I can't remember exactly what happened next.

But all of a sudden I'm back in High School, and although she never literally went to my school, she's there in my class, but as a 'guest' of mine who is attending my classes, yet she is being equally as disinterested and uncaring as before. The apathy feels like a crushing weight. Everyone breaks for lunch and while eating I recognize some of my real life high school friends over at a table, I don't have time to talk to them because I realize that she's gone, and for some reason it's urgent that I find her. I pull out my phone and txt her, and she replies with something vague about another world or dimension, it's kind of fuzzy right now.

Anyway, So now I get sucked into this other world, and there's 3 people now, me, her, and I swear doc brown. Not him exactly, but some strange scientist I don't recognize. But we're in this gigantic forest, and doc tells us that the place is growing extremely quickly and is trying to kill us. So we all start running, apparently there are "cities" and safe spots or something, so there is hope of living. We run like mad from growing entangles that are trying to grab us, and brush coming out of nowhere. Trees are thickening like giant redwoods, while vines lash out. She mentions something about finding the best exit, or safe zone or something of that sort. But at this time I've lagged behind a bit, probably 5 metres and it's getting worse. I know that they know that I can't keep up and need help. By now they're out of sight. I come to the last known spot where I heard them. But they're nowhere to be seen, and I feel terribly alone. There's a sign showing a make shift map, showing me where I am and the general places of the "cities".

As I read it I understand fully that there is no way I'm going to make it to any of these places, I essentially sit back and wait for the forest to devour me. Left behind.

At this point I'm awake, but it's 45 minutes before my alarm is set, and I lie there, waiting until my alarm before getting up. Just thinking about the horrible apathy.

Dreams are for Dreamers, Buckets for Bleeders

Another dream

This time I was back working at JH. It was the end of Thursday and I was supposed to leave at 4. But Cassie had just started working at 3 and I wanted to talk to her so I told everyone I’d stay an extra hour. I was back to being a merchandiser so I was stocking shelves. But, strangely, it was a supermarket setting, aka I was stocking food. 5 came around and I still hadn’t talked to Cassie, I actually I only saw her once as she walked by, without eye contact. During that time I made a friend with a bro, I didn’t recognize him and I never got his name.

Oddly enough. A zombie apocalypse broke out and everyone was fleeing the store. Cassie was first for her car but fell and for some reason wasn’t getting up, she was saying stuff like “ok guys just go on without me” and stuff in a very sarcastic tone. Everyone else ran by and started driving away. But I came and picked her up. I can’t remember anything past that, or if she even looked at me or said anything to me.

This one wasn't as painful as the usual ones.