Better...

So definitely been feeling so much better after giving Cassie to God. Also, on this morning's devotion. It talked about how God's timing is always perfect, and it listed some examples and stuff. It just re-iterated to me the fact that i gotta chill a bit, I've been rushing some things, and definitely over-thinking everything. The right things will happen at the right times, I just need to stop worrying and stuff.

I've been thinking more about doing another painting, I really liked how my first one came out and I was thinking of doing a lighthouse on a cliff, either in a storm or at night, with one piercing light shining across the sky/storm. Mostly blues and blacks, I was thinking of silhouetting the lighthouse and the cliff so its just black, It'd have to be a pretty impressive sky then... I don't know if I can pull it off though......

YAY LIFE!!!!!

So. After last night's small out burst. It was tough, but as I was just laying in bed talking to God, I decided to give Cassie to God, it wasn't my problem anymore, it's in God's hands. Coincidentally, after over a week of silence, she txted me today. Basically, wanting to say hi, but she thinks that it's better for both of us if we don't talk. I asked her why and she said that she makes me worse. So I asked her to ignore my feelings, and I wanted to know "How do I make your life worse?" (direct quote). She didn't respond to that. Frankly, I don't care. God is in control now, I'll try my best to do everything in love, and God will do the rest. I don't need to worry about her, or anybody. As long as I'm doing my best to love every chance I get to everybody, things will be fine.

Anyways, that's just a little blip on the radar compared to the super awesome, exciting project of doom. (Sussy Zombie film). Created by Johney and Josh. They called me tonight and we spent over an hour discussing plot, character, specific shots, scenes, houses, actors, storyline. the whole deal. I am very impressed with the outcome and I'm VERY excited for the summer.

I don't really care about over-all plot. They can handle that crap and whatever. I just want to direct/ tweek every shot for perfection. I want to add the little things in the background, or come up with cool irrelevant scenes. The kinda stuff that makes a movie re-watchable, so that everytime you see it you notice something different, or you clue into something a little eariler based on subtle dialogue.

As long as this project is going, this summer is going to be nuckin futs.

Work is super chill and getting pretty sweet, part time will be really good later on.

1st Day

day number 1 at RuH. It's nice and slack, and the people are quirky and pretty chill. My job is easy and will be a perfect part-time job. I don't know if I could handle it for 8 hours, but 4 will be good i think. Brian is my boss. He's about 50, obese. but fairly witty and pretty cool. I'll post more when stuff starts to happen.

So for some reason, Cassie just won't get out of my head. She was in my dream last night. I haven't talked to her in over a week, and she dumped me over a month ago, but a lot of the time i have so much anger about her. I just want answers, it doesn't make any sense to me, there appears to be no logic involved. and it's driving insane. Why can't people make sense? or more importantly, why can't they at least make sense to them self? Even if it's a bullshit reason, I, at least, want A reason. So far none.

If she asked for forgiveness and wanted me back. Would I take her? %100. I think I could hold myself off and start over and slower. But I have never felt as amazing as i did with her next to me. I hate it because it's not fair, why did I have to lose that feeling? I just want to know why. Why did this all happen? Why can't I win?

Of everything on this planet. Finding that "person" has always been the most important to me, I've always tried so hard, to search, to know what I want, to be someone that other's would want. What am I doing wrong?

Three Evils (Embodied in love and shadow)

Nothing to report, nothing exciting happens, nothing to say. I just want to feel better, and I just want to heal, and mostly, I just want to be able to do something for someone. Unfortunately none of that is happening. Weekends suck because I have so much free time to think, and to remember. I have nothing specific to look forward to, or to distract me. This isn't fair.

NOTHING and everything

RED-Nothing and Everything
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Broken truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again

What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

I'm still the same, pursuing pain
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)

It's breaking me
It's breaking me

I'm falling apart
I'm falling apart

Interesting Day

So today was the last day of my training, and just like all the other days it was boring and 99% common sense. However, I was sitting there all bored like and such, mostly feeling sorry for myself about Cassie. When I thought about all my own mistakes and so i made a list of everything i think I'm bad at (in terms of relationships). After coming up with around 10 of them I started feeling a lot better and i drew 2 pictures of scenery. The first was of a sunset with some cliffs in front and some clouds in the sky, similar to my painting. The other was of a lighthouse at night, with its single light cutting through the darkness. Both are small little pictures, but they were done completely with ONE PEN. I'm fairly impressed with myself, I think I'll cut them out and tape them to my wall. And then I named them, and wrote down some lyrics around them that i like, and also thought of different improvements I could make to the pictures and wrote them around each one. (If you haven't noticed I like to improve things)

I also thought about how I've been doing a fair bit of complaining about "deserving" someone to love and to love me (I still think i deserve it). But it occurred to me that it's just going to fail again if I go into something with the same mind frame. I have to like my life before I should have a woman because they're supposed to ENHANCE life, not make it. I should be happy and fairly content before hand or else dependencies are created, and those always lead to some kind of abuse, or needing. Either way, it robs both people of their dignity in the end, and doesn't solve anything. Our unhappiness is a symptom of us falling away from true love (God's love). And no matter how many people love us, or how many cars we get or whatever you think will make you happy, it doesn't matter. Because none of them are solving the problem, we're just trying to treat random symptoms. Which change all the time. That made we feel better, temporarily.

I still want to find someone to love, I'm just not going to be sad all the time. (I'm going to get weak every once and a while). But overall.
I KNOW that i have a great capacity for love, and that I have a lot of REALLY good qualities, I just suck at utilizing them often. But i know they are there, and that I need to tweak them a bit.

Mostly I keep getting held back because Cassie is sitting on the fence and every time she lies to me again i get caught up for a couple days, she's going to Ottawa till next Friday i think, and she hasn't said or txted anything to me since Monday. So by then i hope to be stronger, because I'm growing fast, It's just that she pulls me down so much. So hopefully, She won't say anything to me for a while so I can fix myself some more before i struggle with myself and her.

Quick update

So went to that new xmen movie. The action was kind of cool, but other then that it was pretty bad, I don't have any care for the series or anything, i just like to see logic and consistency in directing. Which this movie had none. My friends tell me about how far off they got the characters, but I don't care about that. I didn't like the fact that guy who's power was to alter his momentum, (aka hit stuff really hard) could take a tank shell for no reason. Just a lot of little stuff like that, that wasn't thought out properlly. Well the 5 day training comes to a close today, I can't say I learned alot. More posts will probably come soon, I'm avoiding life, which is to say, I'm trying my best to stop caring about stuff, and just drift.