Without a doubt I am less happy without her, and the days go slower and my mind wanders to the worst parts of my mind. I was 100% stable and positive and "normal" when we were going out, and it's probably exactly where I should be. I felt really confident and great.
I also find it hard to find someone who is attracted to me. Let alone who will also put up with my chaotic history that pervades my subconsciousness. I spent a long time, in this blog especially, talking about how happy I would be when I found someone after Cassie. And then I somehow came to the conclusion that I should go back to being alone, and I hate being alone. Well, that's not what I thought would happen but it's what ended up happening.
I thought that my confidence and self-esteem would continue, that I would be able to make some serious improvements that had to be made alone. Things that I couldn't do with anyone else. I also don't know enough about people, and I wanted to be a part of others' happiness, and their sadness too, just understand more people and learn more from first hand experience. It had nothing to do with wanting other people or not wanting her, I know I wasn't ready for what I had. But instead, I sit alone and write here.
I guess part of me was afraid to open up to her completely because the 50% that I had shown had hurt her, so I left the other 50% stay hidden, and it didn't allow us to grow together because I had to protect her from myself. I think she will be better off without me, maybe not immediately, but she'll find someone who is ready and who never had any psychosis, I think she will be happy.
Also, I've always been a fanatic of improving and growing, and I felt like I was stagnating. I wasn't ready to stay who I was/am and I guess I needed to go back to pain and failure if I was to continue at all.
Do i miss her? Of course I miss someone to hold and someone who cares about me. but I think this is where I need to be.
I have such a low opinion of myself, and I know this is self-defeating. But when I compare myself to others, although I have a lot of good qualities, I see a lot of gigantic warning signs that would keep people away from me, some major deal breakers.
Although the whole of this song doesn't really fit me or anything, these two lines from the chorus, I feel, ring true.
I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this:
Like every inch of me is bruised
And my greatest fear is that I'm right. That I am too crazy, too bruised, and that eventually everyone will notice that I'm not quite like them.
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