wtf

What the hell? Life is bullshit, I hate this random game of chance, why must it all be a stupid game of dice? Why do the sincere get burned? Why do the wicked get happiness?

I tried to play my cards the best I could, but I guess someone stacked the deck against me.

Slipping out the back sounds like a great idea, unfortunately someone slipped out the back on me, and now I'm left broken, and all I can think about is that I should slip out the back the same way.


Fort Minor- Slip out the back
You know me, I used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so I could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it's really worth it
Forget perfect, I'm trying not to be worthless
Since I last saw you I been looking for a purpose
Well I met this kid who thought like I did
He had a weird way of looking at it
This is what he said

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

I don't remember where I met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was just too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair, it doesn't care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you I want someone to say its OKAY
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody's afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that were scaring ourselves
You understand when I'm saying that you always did
But its different in the words of a cowardly kid

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know
All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be
But I had to protect you from me
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fair
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care

The Flame in all of us

Thousand Foot Krutch-My Own Enemy

Hold up,oh no, who let them in the door? it's like a freak show, shake it like a photo

Hate, is only what you say, not what you mean
And pain, is whats inside of me, not when you're bleeding
I, will fall, I'll fall and take your breathe away
We, could change it all and take your breathe away

This anger changes me, it effects the way I see, effects every part of me, and makes you my
enemy, but when it falls apart, it's like a brand new start, and I cant remember why I ripped
everything apart

I'm still my worst enemy,
the world around me all can see what they want to see,
I need some help, because I'm still my worst enemy,
no matter where I am, I'll still get the best of me,
I'm my own enemy

Shake the world inside of me, until it cant be shaken,
Wake, the words inside of me,before it's all too late,
I will fall, and take you breathe away,
We, could change it all and take your breathe away

this anger changes me, it effects the way i see, effects every part of me, and makes you my
enemy, but when it falls apart, its like a brand new start, and i cant remember why I ripped
everything apart

I'm still my worst enemy,
the world around me all can see what they want to see,
I need some help, because I'm still my worst enemy,
no matter where I am, I'll still get the best of me,
I'm my own enemy

my own enemy... my own enemy

Friday Night

So I realized that I listen to more music then I do sleep. I listen to over 200 full songs everyday, which adds up to about 12-13 HOURS worth of constant music. All from my ipod, I'm not talking McRadio cheap stuff that sucks and you can't hear.

I don't think I could survive without my music anymore, tonight is gonna be fun, staying home and playing halo the whole time.

I can't decide if I'm being sarcastic or not, I like halo, and our team definitely needs a lot of practice before the tournament. But that is a shit load of Xbox. Well I'll need to build up my endurance, lol, cuz that saturday (june 27) is a full freaking day of gaming.

Can't Repeat

Life is getting so routine that I almost don't want it to change, pulling in $125 a day, takin it easy, staying home everyday with no contact with anybody. It's nice, strange how the more I want to do something of importance the more I find myself getting isolated, not even intentionally. I would love to do something awesome, even if it's just for 1 person or something.

Whatev

So at Edmonton we went to something similar to ruckers, where you get tickets and stuff for cheap stupid little prizes...and we bought too many for how much time we had before we needed to go eat. and so we started playing that circle game, where you put a token in and the light goes around and you try and hit the button when the light is on the jackpot place. Turns out I'm the master, I hit 2 jackpots. No one else hit any, lol pwn.

Halo tournament finally got scheduled, its june 26-27-28. Most likely at centennial like last year. I'm not sure how its gonna go down, but I think we can get top 5. Going to be hardcore practising till then.

Also I got accepted into residence for next year. 6,500 bucks for 8 months, right in voyeguer place, So really close to CC... WIN.. jk, i'll have a laptop and whatever so I prolly won't go there anyways.

Why Can't I Breathe?

Thousand Foot Krutch-Breathe You In
Taking hold, breaking in
The pressure's all need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, and not impersonate

[Chorus:]
I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breath you in
I want to breathe you in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me

[Chorus]

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it's you

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
‘Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to, I want to
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe; I want to, I want to
Want to breathe
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe

Edmonton

Back from a good trip to Edmonton, Started with a quick 5 hour drive, went by really fast, singing RED and talking about random stuff was fun. Got there at 1:30 and went to West Ed, Stayed there till 8, watched the new terminator, it was good.

The bands were ok, I wasn't there really for the music, or the speakers, I came because I needed to get closer to God somehow, and a lot to try and escape the memories of Cassie.

Well i succeeded in one of those things, I'm a lot closer to God now, for some reason, this was the worst weekend for thinking about Cassie yet. Every couple minutes she'd pop back in, I have no idea what's going on. It seems as if I'm torturing myself, subconsciously, bringing back as much pain as possible, why? I'm not exactly sure. Maybe I'm not doing that...

Maybe I'm supposed to think about her? The closer I get to God it seems the more the memories of Cassie stay in my head. I don't believe that, but it has crossed my mind.

I have no idea....anyways, one of the speakers talked about something I've been saying for years. People don't need more rules, or more time at church. People simply need more Jesus. Once you're close to Jesus, righteousness, love, wisdom. Those things will come into your life, not the other way around. God and Jesus are the starting point, not the end. By the Love of God we become able to love right, we become whole.

got to go to soccer,,, ill finish off the trip and stuff later

Source of Pain

So I haven't posted in a bit because I thought something might happen that was worth posting. Nothing really did, so this is just a quickie about my banal life.

Saw Dennis (my Psych) again yesterday. Good stuff, we joke around alot, he's sweet. But we talked about focusing my effort only on things that fit these two criteria 1. Is it =true? 2. Is it helpful?

So if its not both of those things im not supposed to think about it. lol. That's fairly easy to say.

Cassie stays in my mind alot more then just because she broke my heart and lied and whatever. It's also because she's in a position of great influence and has oppertunity to help alot of people based on her childhood, it's unique. I know she doesn't use it properly, and that shes definately greatly misguided (if guided at all).

I was given an oppertunity to become a positive influence in her life, she has a huge potential in life, yet uses so little of it, and for the wrong things. And I failed. Not that I made a couple stupid mistakes or something minor. I messed up huge, and I know that I don't get a second chance, I failed. Period.

I could have showed her the love of God, how she could reach her potential, she could have reached so many people who would never have known. And it kills me to know that I fucked up so bad.

So, for the record, it's alot more then just "She hurt me". Even after 3 years with Inna, that break up was alot less painful because I knew it had to be done, we had given it a shot and it wasn't right and didn't work properly. We flew the plane for a couple hundred feet and then bailed out before it crashed.

It feels like with Cassie that we bombed even before we got to the runway, sittin in the hanger waitin to test the new prototype out when the hanger explodes.

Forever starts TODAY

RED-Forever
I try to run, I try to hide from a voice that couldn't satisfy
That was me, always needing more
But letting go of all I had before
Cause it feels like the end
A wound that I can't mend
I just can't fight any longer

You waited 'til I sobered
You came when You knew that the game was over
I didn't even want to be found

But you chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever
Forever

I ignored the signs, opened every door
But I couldn't find what I searched for
I try to fight but I turn and run
Every move I make is the wrong one
You patiently wait for my next mistake
I know it won't be much longer

You waited 'til I sobered
You came when You knew that the game was over
I didn't even want to be found

But you chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever

You gave me so much more
Than I could ever ask for
But I turned and followed
A road the left me hollow
And still you waited for me to come back home
You brought me home...

You chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever
Forever

time

time goes so slow sometimes. I find each day doesn't go by so bad, I mean, I get home in a good time and I sleep all night and I'm usually not bored all evening, I have people I hang out with or games to play. Yet it feels as if the weeks just refuse to budge, this trip to Edmonton should have happened weeks ago, not that I'm super uber stoked. It'll be a good time for sure, I just mean that It's been "coming up" for what seems like forever. I just want time to pass please. I'm not doin so bad, I mean of course my mind is still kind of in a whirlwind.

Matter of fact, Cassie was in a dream I had the previous night, I can't remember what happened in it at all, it's just a blank. But I do remember it seemed like a nightmare. I remember that it was one of those dreams where all I could do was pray to God, over and over and over. I don't remember if I was doing it after I woke up or if i was still in my dream.

But when I was a little kiddie and I used to have nightmares, the ones that were really terrible were the ones where I couldn't do anything but pray, constantly, It didn't really make me feel any better, but I couldn't do anything else.

So anyways, dream last night. I remember feeling completely powerless in it, I can't remember if I was frightened or super hurt. But I just remember praying short quick prayers until it disappeared. I get a lot of comfort by knowing that as long as I'm doing everything through God, that his timing is always perfect. And even though I don't like what's going on around me, If I can remain strong in God, well then what I need will happen when I need it.

Another Thursday

Midway State- Never again
Hey, you surround me like a blanket in my bed,
The look in your eyes has stayed inside me,
In my head,
Outside its snowing its odd for this time of year,
You're light through the darkness,
Getting smaller oh I fear,

[Chorus]
Love love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh i wonder,
It's a long long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?G

Hey you’re my weakness,
Still my lover in my mind,
And you still control me,
Summer I put you so high,
Hey did you forget you could never get enough,
Well I’ll always love you,
No matter how far you run,

[Chorus]
Love, love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh I wonder,
It's a long, long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?

There is a lover down inside all of our gates that we cant protect, forever cause,
He’s sucking at the air from our lips,
I felt him tremble when I first picked you up driving honey,
We drove for hours I remember when I first let him kiss,
You and your mouth the taste of love if filled me up to the tips,

I couldn't sleep for weeks,
fevered at one hundred and six,
You surround me like a blanket in my bed,

[Chorus;; X2]
Love, love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh I wonder,
It's a long, long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?

nasty

that was a terrible night. Me and Galen and Inna and Cam went to the duece. Met up with Steve, Trevor and Minshull randomly. They gave me the nastiest shots ever. Which then led me to throwing up for an hour. Not cool. Still feeling really crappy, aka not at work today. I can feel it, today is gonna be a rough day.

HBD

happy birthday myself, lol.
anyways.
first outdoor soccer game yesterday. It felt so good to be running again, although I've become fat and out of shape I played good. First Blood! first goal of the team and of the season. We won 3-0, it was pretty sloppy. One of Cassie's friends was on the other team, Kyle, from JH. I said hi but he didn't seem to recognize me, which is weird cuz i know she's been trying to turn everyone against me. Matt's told me stories. I guess it's mostly her school friends. meh, whatever. Kyle's a good guy.

Already over pt. 2

Weekends seem to be turning into the bane of my existence. So much time to do nothing. Stuff just isn't as fun anymore, I don't know whats going on. Halo is still fun. I'm starting to think that the tournament might never come. It would be a nice distraction for a month or so, plus a fun weekend. I'm not counting on it though. Other then that, more stuff with Cassie, Details aren't gonna be provided, maybe I'll never talk to her again. But i don't believe that will happen, somehow she keeps comin up. I gave it my best shot, whatever. I see no logic.

How can this last forever?

Take a good look at that painting above. What does it tell you?
It says to me that every one of us personally put Jesus on the cross, we ALL held that mallet and that spike, and we hammered it through his wrists, we ALL hoisted him on that hill that night.

The crazy part is that even if we were the only person ever created, he would have done it for us. He loved us so much that he WILLINGLY took that burden for us, He loved us so much he took all our pain away, he loves us so much he will carry you when you are about to collapse.

say Owen. aren't you being a little pretentious? maybe even a lil "holier then thou"?
NO

I fell down like I never thought could happen, EVERY SINGLE fear i ever had came true, everything i worked so hard to prevent from happening happened. All my barriers were destroyed, all my love was taken from me. I shot myself in the chest with a BB gun to try and take away the pain. I thought about swerving into traffic constantly, I would cry and cry and cry, wishing someone would hear me pleading, hear me screaming. Someone did hear me screaming, they tried to help. But I was too much to handle, I ended up destroying the only thing that had been keeping me going for months, all I thought about and all I wanted.

Gone, in a single afternoon.

It was when I lost the only thing that I had left that I let go. I jumped off a cliff and just hoped to die, I fell, and fell, and fell. There was no bottom, I was ready for the collision, I WANTED the impact. I wished the ground would take mercy on me and meet me halfway.

Instead, when everything was gone, those two arms grabbed me. They held me up, just above the desert floor, He whispered in my ear, "I Love You."

It was all I needed, it saved me. I looked into the abyss. And i jumped.

No one was waiting for me, No one wanted to catch me (Although Meagan, you did slow my fall for that one night, thank you.) Love caught me, pure, true, simple. Love. It didn't manifest itself in anyway shape or form. There was no person in came out of, there was no specific action that showed it to me.

It was inside of me.

I just knew that it was there, that it was all that's important. That it's all i want to be: pure love. And by that I mean God of course, for he is pure love. He carried me through my brokenness. He saw me for who I really was: A desperate boy looking for love, so desperate I'd rather die then live without "love". And when everyone was too busy, when everyone was unable or unknowing or uncaring. He wasn't.

For you know everything about me,
And still you love me as I am.
I can't change everything around me,
but you can make me whole.
(blocking out the sun, The Send)

Don't be mistaken, my heart still hearts. My head still spins. My mind still drifts some days. I am nowhere near a perfect man. I just know what it's like to be shattered. I have no fear of death, or of pain, or of sacrifice. For I looked every fear in the eye, and blinked, i lost every battle. I stood up and got kicked down. over and over. Most of the time by myself, by my unreasonable expectations, by my own disillusions (They seriously kicked THE SHIT out of me). But also by the people i thought I could trust. And i will never forget that feeling.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this, i just sat down and started typing. I hope this makes some sense, or maybe helps someone somewhere someday. I'll just leave off with a song
that fits me, and fits that painting.
RED- Pieces
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole

Better...

So definitely been feeling so much better after giving Cassie to God. Also, on this morning's devotion. It talked about how God's timing is always perfect, and it listed some examples and stuff. It just re-iterated to me the fact that i gotta chill a bit, I've been rushing some things, and definitely over-thinking everything. The right things will happen at the right times, I just need to stop worrying and stuff.

I've been thinking more about doing another painting, I really liked how my first one came out and I was thinking of doing a lighthouse on a cliff, either in a storm or at night, with one piercing light shining across the sky/storm. Mostly blues and blacks, I was thinking of silhouetting the lighthouse and the cliff so its just black, It'd have to be a pretty impressive sky then... I don't know if I can pull it off though......

YAY LIFE!!!!!

So. After last night's small out burst. It was tough, but as I was just laying in bed talking to God, I decided to give Cassie to God, it wasn't my problem anymore, it's in God's hands. Coincidentally, after over a week of silence, she txted me today. Basically, wanting to say hi, but she thinks that it's better for both of us if we don't talk. I asked her why and she said that she makes me worse. So I asked her to ignore my feelings, and I wanted to know "How do I make your life worse?" (direct quote). She didn't respond to that. Frankly, I don't care. God is in control now, I'll try my best to do everything in love, and God will do the rest. I don't need to worry about her, or anybody. As long as I'm doing my best to love every chance I get to everybody, things will be fine.

Anyways, that's just a little blip on the radar compared to the super awesome, exciting project of doom. (Sussy Zombie film). Created by Johney and Josh. They called me tonight and we spent over an hour discussing plot, character, specific shots, scenes, houses, actors, storyline. the whole deal. I am very impressed with the outcome and I'm VERY excited for the summer.

I don't really care about over-all plot. They can handle that crap and whatever. I just want to direct/ tweek every shot for perfection. I want to add the little things in the background, or come up with cool irrelevant scenes. The kinda stuff that makes a movie re-watchable, so that everytime you see it you notice something different, or you clue into something a little eariler based on subtle dialogue.

As long as this project is going, this summer is going to be nuckin futs.

Work is super chill and getting pretty sweet, part time will be really good later on.

1st Day

day number 1 at RuH. It's nice and slack, and the people are quirky and pretty chill. My job is easy and will be a perfect part-time job. I don't know if I could handle it for 8 hours, but 4 will be good i think. Brian is my boss. He's about 50, obese. but fairly witty and pretty cool. I'll post more when stuff starts to happen.

So for some reason, Cassie just won't get out of my head. She was in my dream last night. I haven't talked to her in over a week, and she dumped me over a month ago, but a lot of the time i have so much anger about her. I just want answers, it doesn't make any sense to me, there appears to be no logic involved. and it's driving insane. Why can't people make sense? or more importantly, why can't they at least make sense to them self? Even if it's a bullshit reason, I, at least, want A reason. So far none.

If she asked for forgiveness and wanted me back. Would I take her? %100. I think I could hold myself off and start over and slower. But I have never felt as amazing as i did with her next to me. I hate it because it's not fair, why did I have to lose that feeling? I just want to know why. Why did this all happen? Why can't I win?

Of everything on this planet. Finding that "person" has always been the most important to me, I've always tried so hard, to search, to know what I want, to be someone that other's would want. What am I doing wrong?

Three Evils (Embodied in love and shadow)

Nothing to report, nothing exciting happens, nothing to say. I just want to feel better, and I just want to heal, and mostly, I just want to be able to do something for someone. Unfortunately none of that is happening. Weekends suck because I have so much free time to think, and to remember. I have nothing specific to look forward to, or to distract me. This isn't fair.

NOTHING and everything

RED-Nothing and Everything
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Broken truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again

What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

I'm still the same, pursuing pain
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)
It's everything (It's nothing)

It's breaking me
It's breaking me

I'm falling apart
I'm falling apart

Interesting Day

So today was the last day of my training, and just like all the other days it was boring and 99% common sense. However, I was sitting there all bored like and such, mostly feeling sorry for myself about Cassie. When I thought about all my own mistakes and so i made a list of everything i think I'm bad at (in terms of relationships). After coming up with around 10 of them I started feeling a lot better and i drew 2 pictures of scenery. The first was of a sunset with some cliffs in front and some clouds in the sky, similar to my painting. The other was of a lighthouse at night, with its single light cutting through the darkness. Both are small little pictures, but they were done completely with ONE PEN. I'm fairly impressed with myself, I think I'll cut them out and tape them to my wall. And then I named them, and wrote down some lyrics around them that i like, and also thought of different improvements I could make to the pictures and wrote them around each one. (If you haven't noticed I like to improve things)

I also thought about how I've been doing a fair bit of complaining about "deserving" someone to love and to love me (I still think i deserve it). But it occurred to me that it's just going to fail again if I go into something with the same mind frame. I have to like my life before I should have a woman because they're supposed to ENHANCE life, not make it. I should be happy and fairly content before hand or else dependencies are created, and those always lead to some kind of abuse, or needing. Either way, it robs both people of their dignity in the end, and doesn't solve anything. Our unhappiness is a symptom of us falling away from true love (God's love). And no matter how many people love us, or how many cars we get or whatever you think will make you happy, it doesn't matter. Because none of them are solving the problem, we're just trying to treat random symptoms. Which change all the time. That made we feel better, temporarily.

I still want to find someone to love, I'm just not going to be sad all the time. (I'm going to get weak every once and a while). But overall.
I KNOW that i have a great capacity for love, and that I have a lot of REALLY good qualities, I just suck at utilizing them often. But i know they are there, and that I need to tweak them a bit.

Mostly I keep getting held back because Cassie is sitting on the fence and every time she lies to me again i get caught up for a couple days, she's going to Ottawa till next Friday i think, and she hasn't said or txted anything to me since Monday. So by then i hope to be stronger, because I'm growing fast, It's just that she pulls me down so much. So hopefully, She won't say anything to me for a while so I can fix myself some more before i struggle with myself and her.

Quick update

So went to that new xmen movie. The action was kind of cool, but other then that it was pretty bad, I don't have any care for the series or anything, i just like to see logic and consistency in directing. Which this movie had none. My friends tell me about how far off they got the characters, but I don't care about that. I didn't like the fact that guy who's power was to alter his momentum, (aka hit stuff really hard) could take a tank shell for no reason. Just a lot of little stuff like that, that wasn't thought out properlly. Well the 5 day training comes to a close today, I can't say I learned alot. More posts will probably come soon, I'm avoiding life, which is to say, I'm trying my best to stop caring about stuff, and just drift.