Ain't That A Bitch

I guess the most important and pertinent thing I've learned in a long time is the affect of illusions on mental stability. Particularly, the fact that illusions (specifically relational) ones increase mental stability. This was not only shocking, but completely personality changing because I always strived for the marriage of truth and happiness.

I always assumed if I found ultimate truth I would find happiness as well. However, I have learned that truth is different. Finding complete and absolute truth IS NOT happiness. "Happy" belongs to self-deception and LIES. Truth is misery, truth is uncomfortable.

People need to lie to themselves, people need to pretend that falseness is truth or else we cannot exist in an ideal situation.

Now I know why truth never brought me happiness. I was never meant to be happy, I was meant to be honest. Woe to me. I've begun to think that maybe I could live my life alone. After reading these studies I'm positive that I can, even if I don't want to. I can accept the truth, even if I hate it.

Sleep, The Only Time I Cannot Protect Myself From Myself

Last final this morning, yay. My sleep schedule has been a little messed up as of late (going to bed ~4am) but regardless of this fact my lying awake problem never completed subsided. Even at 4 I'd stay awake for a while thinking, less so then when I tried sleeping earlier though so I kept staying up really late. Obviously with the final today I couldn't stay up till 4am and right at 9am so I went to bed at 1am this time.

My thoughts were still there but I managed to keep them at bay by looping a single a line from a song over and over and over until I fell asleep ("One day, will this be over?" The Silent Comedy - All Saints Day. Even with this strategy it still took 30-45 minutes, but that's a huge improvement. I still ended up waking up 5 or so times in the early morning (~5am) in the middle of my dream, where I would fall asleep again and be right back in the dream.

Once again my dreams taunted me with Cassie. I'd write it out here, but I don't think I want to remember it. I'd rather let it fade into nothingness.

The Shield of Achilles

So Matt posted this excellent song (Bartholomew - The Silent Comedy), but one paragraph explains my ultimate decision to dedicate myself to understanding myself and then others. Essentially it is the reason for being in Psychology now, enough build up, here it is.

I rambled with the worst of them
fell in love with a harlequin
Saw the darkest hearts of men
And I saw myself staring back again and I saw myself staring back again.

When I first went through my troubles and what-not I had always seen myself as an exception to the norm, but as I continued to live and learn about others I realized how typical my experience was (or a more extreme version). I was just another person among a multitude and the more I learned about the "crazy" people the more I saw parts of myself in everyone and vice versa. I am no longer surprised by anyone's actions, ever. Murder, empathy, sacrifice, suicide, all are within every person, it just takes a certain type of circumstances to bring them to light. The more I try and type out my reasoning the less sense it makes. It sounded better in my head.

Anyway, another thing that fits with this theme is an extremely famous and popular quote by Nietzsche that I'll leave off with. Enjoy, or become frightened, your choice.

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you"

The Colossus

I think I found a song which encapsulates part of the last post's song. So last time I briefly talked about being someone you don't like or doing things you disagree with. The song chalks it up to circumstance, but as all things in life, they are never that simple.

Anyways, so this song seems to capture the concept of external, hurtful circumstance in relation to internal naivety which exacerbates the problem.

Rumored Nights - The Academy Is...

I walked you home most days
To beat the traffic after class
With all my best intentions
But when the weather changed
Like fine print, you were hard to read
Blindfolded, eyes wide open
Staring through me...

I never heard the words that were spoken
Witht the rumored nights, with the rendezvous
I never thought the whispers were true till now...

I saw things that I shouldn't have tonight, tonight
I know now what I couldn't have
I've gone too far to turn it back
I've gone too far to turn it back

Followed you home halfway
Over the fence to your backyard
With all my best intenetions
And through your window frame
Outstretched and lying on your bed
Blindfolded, eyes wide open
Staring though me...

I never heard the words that were spoken
With the rumored nights, with the rendezvous
I'll never look at you like I used to now...

I saw things that I shouldn't have tonight, tonight
I know now what I couldn't have
I've gone too far to turn it back
I've gone too far to turn it back

Uninvited, no one knows
How much I care, how bad you are
How good we'd be, but you won't let me in
Goodnight, I'm leaving

I never heard the words that were spoken
With the rumored nights, with the rendezvous
I never thought the whispers were true till now...

I saw things that I shouldn't have tonight, tonight
I know now what I couldn't have
I've gone too far to turn it back
I've gone too far to turn it back

I walked you home most days
I had the best intentions
I walked you home most days
I had the best intentions
I walked you home most days...

I like the idea of a single event completely altering the main character's perspective. Change, especially personality change, is obviously more complex than single events. However, I love the poetic simplicity it presents, and it fits with how people remember (or at least re-tell) important moments in their life. Even when I look back at defining moments of my character and things that shaped who I am now I like to simplify complex stories into single evenings and events in my memory.

I know that it's not that simple, but it is nice to pretend even for a moment that everything was external circumstance, that despite the 'best intentions' disaster was inevitable. The worst part is how necessary it all was, I don't have the luxury to look back and wish things had happened differently because I despise who I was and who I could have become.

These questions become increasingly important when we have to rationalize future disasters. Will we look back in regret or relief that what happened changed us? That is, considering who I am now, when I change into someone (thing) else will I be glad I'm different (like how I view my past now) or will I futility wish to return?

As with how I reacted before, I will probably once again bask in my 'new found' wisdom while criticizing the ignorance of the past. This brings up its own set up questions, for example, am I really better now or do I just rationalize my current scenario to prevent myself from being frozen in regret? Is there any real change occurring or is it an elaborate self-illusion to keep myself functioning?

Rumored Nights

I've been listening to a lot of music while I write my plethora of papers, specifically the the softer and more relaxed songs that don't interrupt my thoughts but help the time pass. So I'm writing about just world beliefs and the damage they cause how we relate to others and society, but the paradoxical quality of them because they are necessary to maintain an internal locus of control which is related to mental health and efficacy. Basically damned if you, damned if you don't.

Anyways, so a song came on that I have heard many times but I guess I never payed a lot of attention to the themes of the song because all of a sudden it grabbed my attention and I realized it expressed a lot of ideas that I believe but have trouble putting into words sometimes.

Believe me -Seabird

I try to keep up, I swear that I do.
But every time I look up I lose site of you.
I never wanted to be the way that I am,
But it's not my fault, it's just my circumstance.

Chorus
Believe me, believe me when I say,
I never wanted it this way. Believe me when I say,
I always tried to do my best. I gotta get this off my chest.

I wanted to be just where you are
Cause you're a beacon of light that awakens the stars.
I see you holding a fire, deep in your heart,
I know I'm not the one but I'll play the part.

Chorus

Someday soon, I'll be alright again.
I pray you've not forgot. Someday you will see the light again,
And find all that you've lost.

Chorus

Especially if you listen to song itself the mood of the song is very somber but hopeful. I really like the idea of regretting actions and their consequences but knowing that the decisions are necessary. Likewise with the psychological paradox about just world beliefs. It's the idea that sometimes we don't like who we are or what we do, but we still have to be that person or do that action. We don't want what's happening but we don't get to make that decision, only what to do next.

Someday soon we'll be alright again.

1000 Leagues

So I had this dream a couple nights of go that I thought I'd write down here, well what's left of it. Obviously after so long I have forgotten most of it, but I remember the moments before waking up clearly and the general idea of the rest of it. Seeing as how I haven't updated since my rage fest, thought this was the most pertinent activity as of late.

Speaking of that rage fest, I talked to the professor about my 'concerns' about the grad student's grading methods. And, although I didn't want it to be about a grade change (because it's not) it seemed as if that's all he heard. He was fairly dismissive and didn't want to understand my point of view but keep the prof/student barrier in place. I was out of there in 60 seconds when I was expecting something more like a 5-10 minute conversation about my concerns.

The main focus of the dream revolved around this video game, but it was real at the same time. It's contradictory but I'll try and explain how it worked. The game was a giant sandbox style game about the ocean. The player was just some diver who had some sort of handheld device that allowed clear vision in the water as if it were mere air. This came in handy as sometimes the water would become so cloudy you couldn't see more than 6 inches in front of you.

The dream had a bunch of different characters, Jason was there for a short period, and I had conversations with Cole and Matt too. The next thing I remember is Inna is playing the game, but not really. Because we're both in the water in diving suits in super cloudy water, she's got the handheld vision device so I can't see anything. So we're swimming farther down for some reason when I ask to see whats going on. I take the device and look through it only to have a giant squid beak be the only thing in the lens as it lunges at me.

At this point I can't use any words that properly convey the terror that shook me. I immediately woke up and for the next couple hours, after I had gotten over the shock, I was 100% convinced this was a real game I owned. Not until later in the morning during my routine was I sure it was purely a dream. This is unusual because although the emotions of dreams have been known to stick with me for a little while, the distinction between reality and fantasy has always been perfectly clear seconds after I awake.

on a side note, holy fuck is the ocean a scary place, dream aside, there are so many things and ways to get murdered down there. And there's nothing you can do to stop it.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore

"When I awoke there was nothing real in this life, but dreams are so intoxicating."

I'm getting real frustrated with University these days, particularly papers. I know that my prose is fairly loose and I don't pretend to be great. But my efforts haven't been correlating with grades, I might as well just fuck around with each paper because the marks are coming back random anyways.

This frustration was sparked by a paper I just got back that was graded by a grad student who left no correction marks on the essay. For fuck's sake, she doesn't have the experience grading enough papers to "just know" what a good paper is. AND, even she did, you still need to two things 1) justify the grade you give by exposing weaknesses and 2) help improve the students writing skills by offering suggestions.

Our education system is supposed to be about EDUCATION, that means teaching people things, through lectures, tests, and papers. People can only learn if they know what they did wrong. Arbitrary numbers should NOT be the focus, but it is. I'm going to school to get credits for a degree, university and society doesn't care if I learn anything. They want me to get "good numbers" and not "bad numbers". But the assigning of numbers is so fucking subjective, yet in the long run everyone takes them as objective.

I hate this fucking planet and the people that inhabit it.