Forever starts TODAY

RED-Forever
I try to run, I try to hide from a voice that couldn't satisfy
That was me, always needing more
But letting go of all I had before
Cause it feels like the end
A wound that I can't mend
I just can't fight any longer

You waited 'til I sobered
You came when You knew that the game was over
I didn't even want to be found

But you chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever
Forever

I ignored the signs, opened every door
But I couldn't find what I searched for
I try to fight but I turn and run
Every move I make is the wrong one
You patiently wait for my next mistake
I know it won't be much longer

You waited 'til I sobered
You came when You knew that the game was over
I didn't even want to be found

But you chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever

You gave me so much more
Than I could ever ask for
But I turned and followed
A road the left me hollow
And still you waited for me to come back home
You brought me home...

You chased me down and broke in just when
I was done believing
Spun me 'round so close now
I can feel you breathing
Sunlight burns inside and
I feel so alive and
Help me now, tell me how
How can this last forever
Forever

time

time goes so slow sometimes. I find each day doesn't go by so bad, I mean, I get home in a good time and I sleep all night and I'm usually not bored all evening, I have people I hang out with or games to play. Yet it feels as if the weeks just refuse to budge, this trip to Edmonton should have happened weeks ago, not that I'm super uber stoked. It'll be a good time for sure, I just mean that It's been "coming up" for what seems like forever. I just want time to pass please. I'm not doin so bad, I mean of course my mind is still kind of in a whirlwind.

Matter of fact, Cassie was in a dream I had the previous night, I can't remember what happened in it at all, it's just a blank. But I do remember it seemed like a nightmare. I remember that it was one of those dreams where all I could do was pray to God, over and over and over. I don't remember if I was doing it after I woke up or if i was still in my dream.

But when I was a little kiddie and I used to have nightmares, the ones that were really terrible were the ones where I couldn't do anything but pray, constantly, It didn't really make me feel any better, but I couldn't do anything else.

So anyways, dream last night. I remember feeling completely powerless in it, I can't remember if I was frightened or super hurt. But I just remember praying short quick prayers until it disappeared. I get a lot of comfort by knowing that as long as I'm doing everything through God, that his timing is always perfect. And even though I don't like what's going on around me, If I can remain strong in God, well then what I need will happen when I need it.

Another Thursday

Midway State- Never again
Hey, you surround me like a blanket in my bed,
The look in your eyes has stayed inside me,
In my head,
Outside its snowing its odd for this time of year,
You're light through the darkness,
Getting smaller oh I fear,

[Chorus]
Love love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh i wonder,
It's a long long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?G

Hey you’re my weakness,
Still my lover in my mind,
And you still control me,
Summer I put you so high,
Hey did you forget you could never get enough,
Well I’ll always love you,
No matter how far you run,

[Chorus]
Love, love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh I wonder,
It's a long, long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?

There is a lover down inside all of our gates that we cant protect, forever cause,
He’s sucking at the air from our lips,
I felt him tremble when I first picked you up driving honey,
We drove for hours I remember when I first let him kiss,
You and your mouth the taste of love if filled me up to the tips,

I couldn't sleep for weeks,
fevered at one hundred and six,
You surround me like a blanket in my bed,

[Chorus;; X2]
Love, love pulled us down in the gutter,
Can you see us getting out oh I wonder,
It's a long, long lonely fight down inside me,
Can I get you to bring back light or is this never again?

nasty

that was a terrible night. Me and Galen and Inna and Cam went to the duece. Met up with Steve, Trevor and Minshull randomly. They gave me the nastiest shots ever. Which then led me to throwing up for an hour. Not cool. Still feeling really crappy, aka not at work today. I can feel it, today is gonna be a rough day.

HBD

happy birthday myself, lol.
anyways.
first outdoor soccer game yesterday. It felt so good to be running again, although I've become fat and out of shape I played good. First Blood! first goal of the team and of the season. We won 3-0, it was pretty sloppy. One of Cassie's friends was on the other team, Kyle, from JH. I said hi but he didn't seem to recognize me, which is weird cuz i know she's been trying to turn everyone against me. Matt's told me stories. I guess it's mostly her school friends. meh, whatever. Kyle's a good guy.

Already over pt. 2

Weekends seem to be turning into the bane of my existence. So much time to do nothing. Stuff just isn't as fun anymore, I don't know whats going on. Halo is still fun. I'm starting to think that the tournament might never come. It would be a nice distraction for a month or so, plus a fun weekend. I'm not counting on it though. Other then that, more stuff with Cassie, Details aren't gonna be provided, maybe I'll never talk to her again. But i don't believe that will happen, somehow she keeps comin up. I gave it my best shot, whatever. I see no logic.

How can this last forever?

Take a good look at that painting above. What does it tell you?
It says to me that every one of us personally put Jesus on the cross, we ALL held that mallet and that spike, and we hammered it through his wrists, we ALL hoisted him on that hill that night.

The crazy part is that even if we were the only person ever created, he would have done it for us. He loved us so much that he WILLINGLY took that burden for us, He loved us so much he took all our pain away, he loves us so much he will carry you when you are about to collapse.

say Owen. aren't you being a little pretentious? maybe even a lil "holier then thou"?
NO

I fell down like I never thought could happen, EVERY SINGLE fear i ever had came true, everything i worked so hard to prevent from happening happened. All my barriers were destroyed, all my love was taken from me. I shot myself in the chest with a BB gun to try and take away the pain. I thought about swerving into traffic constantly, I would cry and cry and cry, wishing someone would hear me pleading, hear me screaming. Someone did hear me screaming, they tried to help. But I was too much to handle, I ended up destroying the only thing that had been keeping me going for months, all I thought about and all I wanted.

Gone, in a single afternoon.

It was when I lost the only thing that I had left that I let go. I jumped off a cliff and just hoped to die, I fell, and fell, and fell. There was no bottom, I was ready for the collision, I WANTED the impact. I wished the ground would take mercy on me and meet me halfway.

Instead, when everything was gone, those two arms grabbed me. They held me up, just above the desert floor, He whispered in my ear, "I Love You."

It was all I needed, it saved me. I looked into the abyss. And i jumped.

No one was waiting for me, No one wanted to catch me (Although Meagan, you did slow my fall for that one night, thank you.) Love caught me, pure, true, simple. Love. It didn't manifest itself in anyway shape or form. There was no person in came out of, there was no specific action that showed it to me.

It was inside of me.

I just knew that it was there, that it was all that's important. That it's all i want to be: pure love. And by that I mean God of course, for he is pure love. He carried me through my brokenness. He saw me for who I really was: A desperate boy looking for love, so desperate I'd rather die then live without "love". And when everyone was too busy, when everyone was unable or unknowing or uncaring. He wasn't.

For you know everything about me,
And still you love me as I am.
I can't change everything around me,
but you can make me whole.
(blocking out the sun, The Send)

Don't be mistaken, my heart still hearts. My head still spins. My mind still drifts some days. I am nowhere near a perfect man. I just know what it's like to be shattered. I have no fear of death, or of pain, or of sacrifice. For I looked every fear in the eye, and blinked, i lost every battle. I stood up and got kicked down. over and over. Most of the time by myself, by my unreasonable expectations, by my own disillusions (They seriously kicked THE SHIT out of me). But also by the people i thought I could trust. And i will never forget that feeling.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this, i just sat down and started typing. I hope this makes some sense, or maybe helps someone somewhere someday. I'll just leave off with a song
that fits me, and fits that painting.
RED- Pieces
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole