rant rant rant rant rant

So I guess I'm here writing again, well this is kind of awkward to say the least...

I mean I haven't really been very faithful to the blog, and it's comparable to that friend you only talk to on rare occasions, and they think you're using them. But you're not, because when the shit goes down they're the only person you call, even if you don't see them very often. But you feel bad for using them only in need. Yet you appreciate them more then 90% of the friends you see everyday.

That's this blog.

Anyhow, onto buisness, I wouldn't be writing in here unless there was something up, right?

Right.

I don't really know where to start: Obvious generalization seems like a good place:
I'm still sad.

K, now that that's out of the way let's move on to deeper thoughts into it and different possible reasons on a given day: K, sounds good.

I'm trapped in a self-perpetuating death spiral of guilt, plus I'm a pessimist. But more on that later.

CassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassieCassie

WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH YOU OWEN!?!?!

I've got some guesses, but nothing good enough to explain why it still hurts. I must be just straight f-ed. I mean, let's look at the facts:
1. Havent seen, heard, ANYTHING about her for 3 months
2. Got dumped 8 months ago
3. She only used me for the 5 month period after dumping me
4. Despite all my best efforts to help her escalating substance problems, she didn't give a fuck
5. She's probably still dating the "love of her life", who she basically dumped me for. But it's clear he doesn't actually give a flying fuck.
6. I am all "growed" up, and these are trivial adolescent angsts that happen to immature high schoolers.
7. I believe in a God that not only protects me, but has a specific plan for me.

that's just off the top of my head. Of course there are more reasons I could name, but I'm tired of that list.

I went back home last month when Mitch was sick as most of you know. When I was there i reread old love letters from her (ya, I know)..

It's not that it made me see anything new or rekindled old feelings. I've thought about her at least once a day, EVERYDAY..... Sometimes its a 5 minute moment of weakness. Sometimes its 3 hours during the day. And sometimes it keeps me from sleep all night long.

Mostly, I think it's because that this past year was obviously my shittiest year to date. And in the middle of the shittiness is when I met her. And even though I messed up a bunch early on. She didn't let that stop a relationship (albeit, a short one) from growing. And she still appreciated me, for being me. Right up until the end, and everything since then doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

I guess it's the fact that I always feel a constant pressure to perform "Up to potential" "To norms", etc etc... I know I have good potential and shit. But when I fall down, I don't care about the future, or about what other people think. I just don't want a crushing feeling of being alone and for being wrong for feeling that way. Which is what I feel day to day.

I guess it's why I feel so sad about the whole happenings. It was the first time that I could mess up, and still feel wanted. Which is one thing that makes me sad, another is I still believe it's my fault she's gone. Which means I, myself, am responsible for losing my favourite feeling of all time. And that sure as hell makes me feel worse.

So in short, A past mistake, that probably didn't even affect the eventual outcome of the relationship. Makes me take all responsibility for losing a girl, who, obviously, didn't really love me. Yet it brings me down to my knees daily.
Self-diagnoses says that I'm pretty much as crazy as I, personally could get. There is so much wrong with that story. But I can't break it. And deep down, I'm not sure I want to.

I mean, I want to be happy, and with the right person, whoever that might be, I'm not still trying to go back. But it feels impossible and almost wrong to do it alone. I've always moved on by "changing targets" so to speak. But when there's no prospects, I lose hope fast and my thoughts always drift back to her.

I bet that if i found someone new, I would instantly stop thinking about Cassie. I just don't have a future I can look into, it's all hypothetical with no evidence or potentials of it actually happening. So I look back

Then there's the issue of since her. NOTHING. I am incapable of attracting someone. Which then makes me question if there's anything that would attract a girl inside me. And a lot of the times I come to a flat "no" conclusion.

Sure I want t

People all around me say things like "Why would a girl want you how you are right now?? Depressed, uncaring about life, timid, shy, introverted. You have to change and become better first"
FUCK...... THAT!!

Ok, maybe I don't disagree 100%, but to a point. I just want to be appreciated and WANTED for what I have to offer right now. I want to make someone happy. I want to feel close, and needed, not just another aimless person.

A lot of me doesn't want to become better without finding someone. Because I would never know if they liked me, or if they liked my abilities, my potential, my skills. But not me.

And if that ever happened, I don't know if I could deal with it when the lie was finally exposed.

I've always wanted this "person". Even back to elementary school. And when I had opportunities. I took them, I developed. I wanted to become someone who was "a good boyfriend". I busted my ass trying to become that sort of person. But not because it was forced. I WANT to be that person.

The most satisfying compliment I hope to get is "A good husband and father"... I guess that's the bottom line

And if I was able to be happy without being on the path to achieving that. It would have to mean that it lost some of its importance. And that's something I CANNOT let happen, no matter the cost.

Unbelievable

Last night we went out to the keg for mroz's 19th birthday. To celebrate the occasion we all dressed up in suits and headed out.
When we got there, the first thing that disappointed me was that we were the only people dressed more then t-shirts and hoodies.

Now, I understand this is Saskatoon and stuff and that the keg isn't THAT fancy a place. But still, it's better then any other lounge. So why not treat it like so? anyways, not a big problem, we got lots of comments and questions about the suits and frankly we felt alot more confident because we knew that we looked at our best.

The night was fun, sitting around and chatting for a couple hours. Josh, being awesome. Picked up the $160 tab for all 10 of us. ty.

after we decided to stop for some cheap wingnuts before heading off to bed. There, we found the stupidest group of guys I've ever met.

So we're just sitting around eating and talking some more. There's only 5 of us left at this point and we start talking about video games. Every once and a while one of these 3 guys would call us nerdy or some other form of trash talk. Whatever, we flipped em off and kept talking. We all start leaving and when its just me and matt inside. One makes the comment about us being "women" for wearing suits.

WTF! I didn't realize looking good was something to be insulted about. These low class retards sitting in their cliche jeans and hoodies. A bunch of trend whore fucks sitting insulting people!!! Ridiculous! How can any man deny the clean and awesome look of a suit?!?! really?!?

So we're just about to part when josh goes to the window and starts air-teabagging them. Pisses them off so much one guy comes out and begins to trash talk us as if we're all out of shape...

quote
"when was the last time you guys ran, period?"
or
"I dont play games i have sex with woman"
and
"you guys come from a wedding or something?"

lol, completely retarded. Josh gives him the beat down of course about playing hockey and being in a 2 year relationship and stuff. The guy, maybe realizing hes being an ignoramus, insults his friends and retreats back inside.

afterward, we were pretty confused. We know trolling exists all over the internet. But we didn't fathom people would actually just lay it down for no reason in wingnuts.
Makes me lose faith in humanity.

Surprise!

So I guess I'm writing in the blog again... Surprise surprise....definitely been awhile. It was a form of therapy from the beginning so I guess that's a good sign that I've been away. However, I'm sure my good and faithful readers have been longing for some Owen Brown. lol.

Anyways, I'll some up what's been going on in 1 word
NOTHING
probably one of the worst things that happens to me, I like stuff to happen. I'd rather be overcoming problems and fighting battles or helping people and having fun then doing nothing. The middle sucks, time passes. PERIOD.

don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm sitting at home all alone. I hang with friends and go to work etc etc. But nothing that is important to me and to life is happening. Basically I could do whatever I want to without directly affecting the circumstances. Of course there would be long term effects. But immediately, shit all is happening and I guess that's what's supposed to happen.

I don't like it. I don't want it. But if that's what has to be. Well who am I to question?

Life is happy. Life is sad. And sometimes it's just boring. There's no right way to escape it and no right way to accept it. I'm training for my purpose, I'm mentally and spiritually preparing myself for whatever it is I've got coming.

I don't know when it's my time or what it's going be.

I hope it's enjoyable, I hope it brings joy and peace and love and happiness. But more importantly. I hope I'll be ready.

I don't get it

Rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that i know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream
We thought we'd be there along ago

I want answers....I want promises....I want hope....I want stability....I want happiness

Time Time Time Time Time

Another week went by. Cassie met up with me once on Monday
Her friend needed grocery money so I gave her $160

STFU!!!!! I dont' want to hear anyone's crap about this.

I'm not trying to buy her back of anything. I'm doing the right thing because it's someone in need. You guys have to trust me on this. I know it looks stupid and that I'm just getting used. And maybe I am.

But none the less. I talked about true strength and love previously. And that means giving when its needed and taking punches to the face just for goodness' sake.

And that's what I'm fuckin doing. taking hit after hit with no benefits and just keep getting up. Because it's the right thing to do.

Curse you weekend

Saw Dennis for the last time on Thursday. Last time that is until some other crazy problem comes up that I need help and shit for. It was good. Just kind of a wrap up. He said I need to not do anything using the "O, Whatever" logic.

Also that I'm supposed to think that life is like throwing mud against a wall, and not like rolling dice. I guess that's a negative thought and it's damaging.

I still think it's dice though, I work my ass off compared to other people in terms of personal growth, and generosity, loyalty, willingness to help. etc etc. All those good traits that people "claim" they are looking for in other people.

Yet not only is nothing improving. Some days I feel worse.

Thankfully Church is tomorrow. It seems like forever since last Sunday. It just doesn't come soon enough.

This Poem is not addressed to you

This poem is not addressed to you.

You may come into it briefly,

But no one will find you here, no one.

You will have changed before the poem will.

Even while you sit there, unmovable,

You have begun to vanish. And it does no matter.

The poem will go on without you.

It has the spurious glamour of certain voids.

It is not sad, really, only empty.

Once perhaps it was sad, no one knows why.

It prefers to remember nothing.

Nostalgias were peeled from it long ago.

Your type of beauty has no place here.

Night is the sky over this poem.

It is too black for stars.

And do not look for any illumination.

You neither can nor should understand what it means.

Listen, it comes with out guitar,

Neither in rags nor any purple fashion.

And there is nothing in it to comfort you.

Close your eyes, yawn. It will be over soon.

You will forget the poem, but not before

It has forgotten you. And it does not matter.

It has been most beautiful in its erasures.

O bleached mirrors! Oceans of the drowned!

Nor is one silence equal to another.

And it does not matter what you think.

This poem is not addressed to you.


I did not write this, nor do I know where it came from, it
was just a random word file found on my computer.